MEL KIPER JR. DRAFTS YOUR FAMILY

I’d draft the mom late as an experiment pick. She could turn into a quality undersized mid-linebacker with the right coaching.

I’d draft the Russian hooker in the third round as a Tight End.

I think you can win with that team. Mom has more in the tank than you think; she is still a leader. Who are you going to draft that’s better, unless top-rated dad Bill Cosby falls in your lap? You’d have to trade the sister to move up for him, and that’s too much to ask.

I was hoping we were going to see people you would actually like to draft into your family, but this worked well. Maybe next year. And if that happens, why don’t we go ahead and say that, like the Sklar Brothers’ stupid bracket, the draft can apply to pretty much everything in life? Let’s mock draft Russian novelists! Cheesy sitcoms! Beer!

I’d draft Dedrick’s hairline to replace Chris Weinke.

SMQ, we’re drafting Dostoyevsky. Anyone who once ejaculated after losing a bet has a compulsive personality we can sympathize with.

Your sister’s baby is a sleeper for the ’08 draft.

Sister’s baby does not seem to remotely share the brother in law’s skin tone.

Either he gets a bump for his misguided loyalty, or a drop for his stupidity.

AND/OR

She gets a bump for convincing him that the bastard is his and raising it.

Was the “Asshole hipster brother” in ‘Withnail and I’?

Dedrick seems to have had a previoous acting career as “Shorty” in Scary Movie – you know him as the Wayans brother that dropped the line, “I’m as high as high nigga pie!” in the movie. You’d have to wonder about his Ricky Williams-esque tendencies.

The brother possess all the tools of a fine kicker.
Style strongly reminiscent of Rolf Benirschke.

ps – " until their wigs fall off? "
how do you come up with this stuff?

Wayne’s family reunion?

I think Dedrick bounces for Moe Thompson’s mother at private parties near the Cola mall, OOC.

You probably saw him there when he and Corey Boyd were frisking you for guns.

if orson and smq are drafting russians, im taking Rasputin.

He displays a veritable Dickensian knack for not giving up on a play, or life. He’d be a great 3rd down back.

Dedrick is Lenny freakin’ Kravitz… think of the ass they’d pull in that dorm!

Coop – that’s just how they roll on Two Notch, dog!

Oh and Cowboycane – you have a great point. I’d draft him just for the rookie cruise on Lake Minnetonka.

I’ll take Tolstoy based on his success in War and Peace. However, one wonders whether he would have acheived the same level of success had he stuck with his original title, “War, What is it good for?”

Orson,

Your brother in law fits the bill perfectly. He has dreads, tattoo’s, smokes a ton of weed, and a criminal record. These are the types of players that win championships.

Now if we can just get the Cincinnati PD to buy into that idea we would have something.

Question: Does your brother in law wear gold teeth? I hope so. That means he is an automatic pro bowler.

Alexander Sergeyevich Pushkin. got the genes but delivers on his own. stands a chance to be the greatest in his position for all time if he can stay in the game.

Tolstoy gets mixed reviews. Endorsed both by Ernest Hemingway in A Moveable Feast, although he admitted he couldn’t put Dostoyevsky down, but killed by Ayn Rand in her Romantics because she hated the realist style.

I’ll go with that motherfucker Khrushchev
that used to beat down podiums with his shoe, as others have gotten away from novelists.

I’ll take Nabakov.
I hear Marcus Vick is a big fan

Soviet Draft Board

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Soviet_people

I Draft Yuri Gugarin, the first human in space.

The bling on this guy would make any rapped shameful:
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/1/19/Yuri_Gagarin_official_portrait.jpg/200px-Yuri_Gagarin_official_portrait.jpg

Re #21: Plus, Tolstoy never got name-dropped by the Police.

if he lasts to the second round, i’m planning on picking up Mikhail Yuryevich Lermontov. that way i’ll have a dominant backfield duo of former-army officer poets who didn’t have much compunction about shooting people on points of honor. and the ladies… they’ll be a-swoonin’.

Godell: " With the third pick in the Russian draft, the Detriot Lions select Karl Marx"

Berman: “Wow! I’m suprised he was taken this early in the first round, though he was the driving force behind the eventual rise of communism.”

Jaws: “He’s not Russian.”

I’m going with Eisenstein then. Gotta love movies about robotic roosters.

Except that Berman would probably call him “Karl If-You-Bite-Me-There-Honey-It-Will-Leave Marx.”

DG, my keyboard just got a good soaking. BTW love your work on MHT – keep up the good work!

Dedrick’s Wonderlic > Vince Young’s Wonderlic

Well played, Brian. Though you know the Russian broad would leave via Free Agency for higher dollars.
That, and the fact that the Russian mob would fix all your games.

Oh, and best post ever.

I don’t know about me, but I hear the Raven’s are taking Stalin in the 5th spot… they fear Ray Lewis may retire after this year

Grr, kleph. I wanted Pushkin. Great value at 19. Since I’m at the bottom of the order, if we have to stick with Russians, I guess I have to go with Gogol. I don’t know anything about him, but he was an all-Sorochyntsi Cossack, so you take what you can get.

If we can go beyond novelists into Russians at large, no way am I passing up Grigori Perelman, obscure safecracker of the Poincare Conjecture. Perelman won the Fields Medal and turned that shit down because he said the committee wasn’t even qualified to say his proof is right:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grigori_Perelman

He lives with his mom.

With the final pick in the 1st Round, the Michigan State community drafts animated Spartan and gay icon Gerard Butler. His beard is included in this pick.

I’m going with Alexander III. We are talking MEASUREMENTS:

1) Tied a silver spoon into a knot.
2) Lifted an entire collapsing roof on a train car.

I’ve got my slavic pass rusher.

if we’re sticking to literature, i’ve got solzhenitsyn, the walter payton of russian literature. one went from jackson state to the rushing record, the other from the gulag to the nobel prize.
outside literature i’ve got yakov pavlov, the machine gun sargent who held position with his unit in a house in stalingrad for two months under constant german attack inflicting massive casualties until finally relieved by advancing soviet lines.

if i am still due my compensatory selection for non-literature russians, i’ll have to take General Mikhail Kalashnikov. hard to beat in terms of an impact player.

I hear that Molotov could whip up some mean cocktails.

Make mine Yevgeni Samiatin. His obscure dystopia “We” makes me wonder if Orwell knew what plagiarism was. Plus, an absolute fucking psycho coming off the corrner.

with the 9th selection, the miami dolphins select Mikhail Baryshnikov

Marshall F’ing Zhukov.

All of the jokes about Russians are taken, but maybe the dad can ‘hook me up’ with one of those Russian mistresses.

My oldest brother used to visit my house all the time to use my PC so that he could visit all of the Russian bride sites. They were not only drop dead gorgeous, but many of them were (wink wink) attorneys, physicians, and engineers.