Mel Kiper Jr., longtime draft expert and ESPN commentator, believes your family provides very little in the way of serious, reliable draft talent.

“I’ve seen ‘em deep, and I’ve seen ‘em come shallow. But your family is among the worst I’ve seen,” said Kiper today in a video conference with you at 9:15 a.m. “It’s just not there, talent-wise. No skill players. No one with team spirit.”

Kiper gave the bigger picks a lookover. His expert breakdown follows.

Mom:

Mel’s Take: Lacks mobility–has lived in same place for thirty years, and “likes it just fine, thank you,” despite the fact that she’s forever falling down the stairs, complaining about the shitty local grocery stores, and the “shhhh…the Mexicans who keep moving in just down the street!” Not a team player, as she hands off the grandkids the instant they start crying and totally didn’t chip in for your college education. Her forty time is dismal.

Dad.

Mel’s Take: Serious character issues have many talking about this former first round pick not even getting drafted on the first day. That’s his Russian mistress in the photo. Takes plays off, sometimes whole seasons, as evidenced by the time he threw you into the pool to teach you how to swim and then walked away for a margarita. Aggressive blocker, however, as evidenced by his fierce defense during divorce proceedings and fights with Russian mistress. Elusive, as demonstrated by his emotional unavailability and ability to hide money in accounts on the island nation of Nauru. A risk with strong defensive upside.

Asshole Hipster Brother.

Mel’s Take: An offensive talent, having scoffed openly at your nice but clueless aunt’s Christmas sweater and refusing to take off his sunglasses at the dinner table. Speed is an issue, as he’s slow to get up in the mornings, and tends to waffle on options (he’s on his third incomplete master’s degree.) Weak in the upper body, which attracts a slew of underfed 22 year old girls with irregular haircuts and wide white belts. May be a risk for a smaller market team, since he’s forever talking about “moving to somewhere with a real scene, man.” Conditioning is an issue, unless we’re talking about his hair, which is ruthlessly maintained.

Uncle Fred.

Mel’s Take: Lacks size. This may be due to his diet of gin, ritz crackers, and beef stick, but don’t tell him that–trainers despair over his lack of commitment to any routine but his own. Unflappable against the blitz mostly because he can’t see it coming thanks to cataracts. Surprisingly durable: has survived two forms of cancer, pleurisy, syphilis, and syphilis. Did we mention syphilis? Because he will, usually in conjunction with stories you’d rather not hear about his time in Korea during the war. “Ever wonder how an old man gets such a bad back heh heh heh heh?” We don’t, Uncle Fred, because you’ve told us a thousand times how it happens: by banging Korean hookers ’til their wigs fall off. Lower body strength is very, very suspect, according to scouts.

Your Sister the Burnout.

Mel’s Take” Strong start to career petered out in her senior year, as she immediately got pregnant by your future brother-in-law. On-the-field smarts are unparalleled; off-field problems continue to plague her, most notably your brother-in-law and his “home car stereo installation” business. Former honors student, NHS member, and prodigal burnout who now just talks about BABIES BABIES BABIES, overprofesses her admiration for the work of Usher, and says “di-uhnt” even though she knows she shouldn’t. Has read The Secret, and wants you to, too. Surprisingly quick in the shuttle run, though her post-partem depression has slowed her recuperation somewhat.

Your Brother-in-law, Dedrick.

Mel’s Take. An “athletic” qb with speed. Height may be a concern, as is his age; he’s somewhere between 22 and 45, though he’s not helping you nail down any exact numbers. Numerous possession charges have some scouts nervous, and they won’t receive much comfort from Dedrick’s insistence that he’s gotta “stay high-igh-igh-igh,” which he sings only every five minutes for no reason when you’re talking with him while nodding his head.
Shows leadership initiative by owning own home car stereo installation business, which necessitates him spending long hours hanging out in driveways with his friends looking at woofers. Mysteriously well-conditioned for someone who smokes marijuana, drinks a case of Miller Lite in two days, and appears to engage in very little physical activity. All things considered, quite possibly the coolest member of your family. A likely pick of the Cincinnati Bengals in the third round.