YOUR NFL DRAFT MINDFARK OF THE DAY: WALTER THOMAS

by Orson on Apr 25, 2007 11:58 AM EDT

We checked the calendar to see if we'd been Sid-Finched: nope, it's April 25th. Checked the byline: that's the Times, all right, and not terribly prone to making things up under Lee Jenkins' byline. Evidently the whole story on Walter Thomas, dark horse draft pick for 2007, is real and verified fact.

And barring some spectacular photoshopping, this shot of Shamu doing a backflip is real, too.

And Sea World applauds!

If you've ever wondered what all those pesky academic and behavioral regs surrounding college football prevent you, the college football fan, from seeing, Walter Thomas provides an extreme example of just that. Booted from Oklahoma State for a sprained cerebrum after a year (Sooners fans, wait a moment for the guffaws to settle,) Thomas settled at Northwest Mississippi Community College before being arrested on a charge of conspiracy to commit armed robbery. (Kids!) He only played two games in his entire career, but we've decided to love him for the following reasons:

--Runs the 40 in 4.9 seconds
--Is a 6'5" defensive tackle
--Showed up a day late for his interview with Jenkins
--Can bench press 475 lbs and squat 800 lbs.
--Is part of a rap group called "Tre Slide"
--Would be a perfect running mate for Pac-Man in Tennessee:

"Growing up, Thomas was somewhat self-conscious about his size, so he befriended the smallest kids in school. They played a game called "Cut the Cake," in which they found the biggest building in town and raced each other around it."

Smallest kid meets biggest kid? BFF? Two thugs make good? Or destroy whole wards of Nashville during one of their 30th birthday parties? Either way, it must happen, Mike Reinfeldt.

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This has got a ‘Rob and Big’ style show written all over it for his rookie year in the League.

by italiangator on Apr 25, 2007 12:15 PM EDT reply actions

“…Cuz he’s my beeest friend…”

by Brian on Apr 25, 2007 1:42 PM EDT reply actions

I must double comment…Looking at the article, he looks like he’d do well in Jacksonville. Check out the SWEET Jort’s he’s rocking.

by Brian on Apr 25, 2007 1:44 PM EDT reply actions

I imagine after big’un lands that flip, the apartment complex in the background will look like the government buildings in Mexico City after the earthquake in ’85.

by Out of Conference on Apr 25, 2007 2:09 PM EDT reply actions

I liked this kid better when he was in The Blind Side. Seriously, that whole line about him being in his adopted family’s Christmas photos wreaks of a trend.

by Johnnycakes Trattou on Apr 25, 2007 2:12 PM EDT reply actions

It is ashame he was not in the right division for the Fulmer Cup. He could get a team into the Top 10 on his own.

I hope he makes it. I can’t tell if his contrition is real or agent induced, but if the former, he will get his one last chance. Has he paid his debt to society?

by Vairish84 on Apr 25, 2007 3:31 PM EDT reply actions

He has Oakland Raiduz written all over him

I’m calling it right now, Oakland take him in the 4th round.

by Beergut on Apr 25, 2007 3:37 PM EDT reply actions

Interesting in the article, it mentions someone coming out in an Ohio State jersey. Could this kid have been the next Maurice Clarett?

by Southern Papa on Apr 25, 2007 5:30 PM EDT reply actions

Big Walt is one of my best friends. The stories falsify his demeanor. He is a gentle giant and would give you the shirt off his back. They fail to mention that those charges were dropped!!! Further investigation proved he had no involvement in that crime. Check it. They were dropped. The sucker is big. I’m 6’4 245 and he makes me feel small. Most people writing the reports havent even seen him play. He commands double teams every down. Has his whole life. And its not his adopted family. He has a great dedicated family. His “adopted” family is that of an old girlfriend that he dated for 6 years and is still very close to the family. He is a very sweet and good guy. I have a 4 year old boy who loves him. He’ll play trucks all night laying in the living room with him. Gentle giant indeed. Oh yeah that boy can eat!!!! Last night he ate 5 porkchops, 2 baked potatoes, and a whole mess of greens and carrots. Then we ate dinner…..

by Andy on Apr 28, 2007 7:46 PM EDT reply actions

And he does have a little white buddy that is about 5’ flat and 90lbs. isnt that funny?

by Andy on Apr 28, 2007 7:47 PM EDT reply actions

oh yeah. look for Rodrick Johnson coming out of Oklahoma State next year. He’s from Galveston, Texas also, and a good friend of Walter Thomas. He’s a head hunter. Led the big 12 in tackles last year.

by Andy on Apr 28, 2007 7:57 PM EDT reply actions