Auburn scores points for drunk in pub-LICK, as Octavius Balkcom (nice Bond villain name, there) is arrested at 4:40 a.m. this past Saturday in Opelika for public drunkenness. As you may know, if you are drunk and in public at 4:40 a.m. in Opelika, Alabama, then your blood may be used for rocket fuel, because you are likely drunk as haaaaaaiiiiiiiiil.


Powered by booze!

That out of the way…we have Florida points to report, though not so many as previously thought. Last night the student newspaper of the University of Florida, The Alligator, reported that five players were arrested attempting to steal a beer keg from a student in the Cabana Beach Apartments.

(Cabana Beach Apartments should not fool you with its name: it no more resembles tropical paradise than Camelot Apartments resembles the mythical home of King Arthur. Most apartment complexes in Gainesville have hyperbolic bullshit names like this. We’ll respect the one that just comes out and calls itself “Drywall Claptrap Where Your Sex Life Is Your Neighbors’, Too.”)

The details, from Carl Hiaasen’s student newspaper:

On Saturday, a UF student was taking kegs out of his truck when the men approached him. One 6-foot-4, 280-pound man attempted to steal his keg, cutting his neck in the process, according to the report. The cut was 5 to 6 inches long, the report states, and it appeared to be the result of a fingernail or ring.

The other four players on the scene restrained the attacker, who then broke away and assaulted the student again, slamming him into his truck, according to the report.

The Alligator changed its headline overnight, since the incident came out as one player demonstrating assholishness beyond reason restrained by four players who clearly failed in their goal of not ending up in the paper. This is, by the way, the only paper reporting the story.

Nevertheless…

One count of robbery= 3 points.
Two definite accounts of assault=4 points
One bonus point for fucking up at our university=1 point

That’s eight points right there, a substantial sum placing Florida well within striking distance of Illinois’ once impregnable lead. The charges, though, may not even stand. For shame’s sake, though, we award them in hope that our climb up the rankings will push Urban Meyer to do something, anything positive in the way of disciplining a football player for anything.


On the upside…at least he didn’t throw it after he stole it.