Multiple updates of collegiate football feloniousness and falderol follow…

Florida’s Keg Incident involving an unnamed player, an unnamed complainant, and an alleged failed theft of a beer keg has evaporated in a matter of hours. The alleged victim withdrew their complaint this morning without ever positively ID’ing the assailant.

POOF! Points be gone, though we still hope someone ends up puking their guts out for weeks on end during mat drills as a result of whatever happened in this case–and not because they’re hung over off all the stolen beer sloshing around in their stomach.


Hoping for something like this at mat drills.

Free money in Ames, Iowa! YAAAAYYYY!!! That seemed to the extent of the thought process for three Iowa State players caught pilfering goods from a purse left on a city bus. Caught either by witnesses or videotape, the three players (all redshirt freshmen) are charged with fifth-degree theft, which is just one degree of theft away from a White Elephant holiday party.

A point each equals three for the Cyclones in their slightly lame debut on the board. Welcome to head coaching, Gene Chizik.

Colorado State says fuck your couch, lawya. No Fulmer Cup points for basketball offenses, but we must mention Colorado State for something other than their ability to bulldoze four-year olds in spring scrimmages. Xavier Kilby, CSU basketball player, was arrested on suspicion of felony menacing and prohibited use of weapons following an incident early Sunday morning involving teammate Ronnie Aguilar.

…Kilby and Aguilar got into an argument in the living room and that Kilby pulled out a small revolver, pointed it at Aguilar’s head and then pointed the gun at a couch and discharged the weapon.

Fuck your couch, indeed. Kilby’s been suspended pending investigation. (HT: Rory.)

We really only mention this to take the spotlight off poor CSU receiver George Hill, who was making a diving TD catch during CSU’s scrimmage on Saturday when he encountered a 12th defender, a four year old who was quoted after the hit as saying:

“It was kind of scary ’cause I got bonked by the football. It kind of hurted.”

We pray the reporter writing this made this up, because children do not and should not speak like this. If they do, heaps of assy shame must fall on the parents, who no doubt egged him on by saying “OOOhhhh, isn’t that just precious?” It starts with accepted bad grammar; it ends with him stealing cars and slinging his seed around like so much confetti before ending up in prison or–heaven forbid–business school.

It hurted! Goddammit, bad grammar gets us peeved. You go, George Hill. Hit him again–this time, it’s for Strunk and White.