ONE OF THESE THINGS IS NOT LIKE THE OTHER: NCAA 2008

Game Daily has a blurb or two on NCAA 2008: It's like Madden, but with a built-in fumble button. This new wrinkles to come in '08's iteration of the game that makes us frightened of looking at the "hours played" menu on our XBox, followed by our suggested improvements.

It's time to let your inner sex cannon out: NCAA 2008 is on the way.

--This year's edition includes a "psychological factor." Score a touchdown, everyone gets points for being happy. Fumble on the one, and your team goes up in flames like a Spanish religious effigy.

Improvements: Bonuses should include points for injuring opponents' qb, decking mascot, or wasting coach on a tackle and spinning him stumbling into the bench. Since you can do this on every play anyway, you might as well build it into the incentives system.

Bonuses should also include: impregnating teammate's girlfriend on the low, earning unsportsmanlike conduct penalties (sure sign of a winner,) and successfully running fake punt for a td on first down.

Negative points for impregnating teammate's girlfriend and being caught, allowing camera to catch you shaking out cobwebs, and performing opponent's signature cheer mockingly to camera. (This should actually guarantee a loss, judging from our studies.)

We'd also tag points for a player being a total and irredeemable dick. If he's on your team, everyone loses points. If he's on the other team, everyone gains points for hitting him. Florida fans will identify this as the "Doug Johnson Rule," and the rating will appear as "DF" under the rankings for "Dick Factor."

Dick Factor: 93, thank you very much.

--NCAA's revamped career mode -- also called Campus Legend mode -- makes a comeback this year, letting gamers create a player and start building their skills in four rounds of high school football, Friday Night Lights-style. Perform well, and get recruited to play football at a top college.

Suggestions: If the menu doesn't include "rob liquor store" or "run a train on an underage girl," then EA is already counting the Marcus Vick fans of the world out of the purchasing audience. We cry foul if they're not menu options in this stage.

Taking notes from Madden's mini games last year, players can also choose what they want to do at night (sorry, no frat parties). Activities like playing basketball or going to the movies can either boost attributes (or not).

Suggestions: Ah, the possibilities. If this used the menu choices from our single life at the same stage in life.

1. Watch roommate's vintage Europorn collection and masturbate
2. Watch Beastmaster on TBS for fourth time in three days.
3. Swipe three times the acceptable amount of samples at Whole Foods.
4. Get baked, watch Beastmaster for fifth time in three days.
5. Finish up our thesis on "The Oppression of Testicularity: The Totalitarianism of Starched White Boxers in '50s Cinema.

If the Sims weren't proof enough of this...your life would make a lousy video game.