Things that have, in the past, made us just an eeninesiest bit gay.

1. We’ll pay money for a haircut. Loads of it. This afternoon, we’ll shell out fifty to sixty bucks to get a haircut appreciably different from the one we’d get at Fantastic Sam’s only in its being a.) in a place where they give you free champagne, and b.) in the exorbitantly expensive hair products made from the ground up bladders of actual blue whales. Metro at the least.

Brother Cuddles, on the other hand, went to Great Clips this weekend and paid what we imagine was no more that sixteen dollars for his trim–um, haircut. His hair products are made from the bits of petroleum not supposed to go in your gas tank. Not gay at all.

2. We love the movie Bridget Jones’ Diary. Hugh Grant has the life in that movie: sexually harassing women who welcome it, guzzling beer and watching cricket in his spare time, and hobnobbing with Salman Rushdie in between banging women and fighting his way through Greek restaurants with Colin Firth. It’s only nominally gay, since Hugh Grant’s character is really the ideal of every straight 20 year old English major: an employed, glamorous editor drowning in cash, tail, and booze.

3. Liking this video:

We can’t defend it–no, it’s well past that. It’s obviously a Grease/Brady Bunch/Beach Blanket Bingo musical number takeoff, with goofy transitions, la la la harmonies, and gloriously amateur choreography taken on an overcast day on the University of Florida campus. Butch it ain’t, even with the hot girl who’s standing on the right, baring some midriff, and slapping girl around about not caring about the game. That last bit is what really makes her hot.

However, it is clever, cheekily done, and contains las, which along with hand-clapping make any song a better song. (Make that number four on the list of things that make us a little bit gay while you’re at it.

BUT IT’S THE GAYEST THING I’VE EVAH SEEN!!!

…you scream. Think about that for a second. Ever seen a photo of Liberace? Gayer. Made orzo salad when you could have had ribs? Gayer. Sucked a man’s cock? Totally gayer, even if you called it “Just two guys helping each other out.”

The femme-iness of the thing actually makes sense for our team. Our qb was prettier than 95% of the population. Joakim Noah is half-French, and the first thing he did after winning? Ran up in the stands to find mom. Our colors are like something out of The King and I, our logo is in lacy cursive, and our male cheerleaders, frankly, are just as good-looking as the female cheerleaders. (Um, make that number five while you’re keeping score.)

Anyway, we’re a little gay. So was Rome, and ancient Greece, and those rock-ab’d circuit boys from 300 who turned the tide of history by defeating a group of Persian drag queens bent on turning their Spartan gym into a drag revue and cocktail bar. All flaming, and completely badass. And like all empires, Florida’s reign will end–but for now, we rule you, high heels and all. Kiss the ring, sweetie.

This is Sparta, and we’re kicking bitches down the well.