UCLA must replace 12 and a half sacks along its defensive line thanks to the graduation of Justin Hickman, an end who at one point in the Notre Dame/UCLA game vaulted his man like a pommel horse in front of our very own unbelieving eyes. (Yes, we were drunk, but we did see it.)

One player they’re counting on to fill the void has a good start, if in name only: Nikola Dragovic, originally from Serbia, a name so imperial and Slavic he’s got to live up to it on the field in some fashion: wearing a cape made of bearskin as he plays, carrying a scepter topped with the severed head of an enemy around campus, or growing an Oort cloud of a beard to intimidate his enemies before breaking out into a festive folk dance.

With the nickname “Drago,” though, he may not need it. Fight him. You will lose.