EDSBS LIVE! SCHRUTEBAG EDITION

So technically the new job entails being at the office during these hours. I am attempting an escape with all manner of chicanery. Should be good television.

1. Najeh Davenport. dude took a shit in his ex-girlfriends closet.

2. it really has to be USC. living in LA is not cheap. neither are the cars, the clothes, and the bling. can’t you see will ferrell slipping a player some cash?

3. my dad’s brother in law. only shows up to family events once a decade. my sister was at a college bar watching some basketball, and he was at the bar, all by himself. a 45 year old, married, redneck at a college bar. i’d be searching his pockets for rufis.

4. I’m a little straight because: i got back from a “TV on the Radio” concert last night at 3 am. i cut my own hair with only a pair of kitchen scissors. i love football. i hate techno. i generally hate gay bars.

1. Pacman Jones is the new king of sketch, with his year off he has plenty of time to make it rain on nappy headed hos.

2. Hands down OSU, with King Tressel. They are the undisputed champions of sketch. Just to name a few reasons: Mo “rap sheet longer than a stolen escalade, gress goose and body armor” clarett, Troy “500 dollars from a booster but of course i don’t get suspended for the michigan game” smith, andy “i can’t read yet somehow i’m at college on a free ride,” katenzenmoyer, A.J. “i look like cro-magnon and I’m associated with brady quinn” hawk. (i would go on but i have work to do) (yes OSU fans i know that you own michigan and LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLoyd carr, and f*ck michigan, etc.)

3. No sketchy family members that I know of.

4. I used to style my hair every day and I try to wear matching outfits. Pretty gay.

Hi Holly. How are you doing?

1. Maurice Clarett. I’m sure he needed all those weapons for a perfectly good reason.

2. USC. C’mon, how they can they get away wit hthat much shit? do they have photos of Myles Bland in women’s lingerie getting fucked by an appaloosa or something?

3. My uncle wouldn’t show up at the hospital to see my grandfather when he was dying. Pretty low.. Especially since it was only a 5 minute drive. AND he lived closer than anyone else in the family.

4. Britney Spears? I’d still hit that.

Holly—make this happen. Don’t let us down.

Ugh, how I wish we weren’t “entertaining” tonight so I could call in…

1) I second the nomination of Clarett.

2) USC – I half expect some of them to be involved in the brewing subprime loans fiasco.

3) My great grandfather was involved in Arkansas politics in the 20s and 30s and was treasurer of the state in the late 20s. Dude had to be mad sketchy to be treasurer in those times.

4) I feel I fully expressed my gayness in the earlier thread where I referenced my usage of products from Lush and my coming appt at the man salon.

1. Either of the Vick brothers. Though I will give Pacman Jones honorable mention seeing that he just got suspended for 8 games due to “behavior” issues. You know your shit is bad when the NFL calls you out.

2. tOSU – the only school to have a documented Escalade Coordinator.

3. My great-grandfather (from the Clampett side of the family) killed his wife, hid the body, and still showed up at family events as if nothing happened.

4. I used to shave my ankles in high school so the tape wouldn’t pull the hair out.

I’m trying, sugar. I’m trying. Ask PeteJayHawk about it tonight if I don’t make it.

1. Who’s the sketchiest football player ever?
Steve Sprurrier…he played didn’t he…

2. Sketch-oid football program?
ECU – They just FEEL sketchy, with the yellow and purple, sorta lying out on the fringe, who knows what they’re up to over there.

3. Do you have a sketchy family member?
I think my grandfather’s father tried to shoot him once when he was younger.

4. How are you gay?
I pay attention to girls’ shoes.

1) Bill Romanowski. It’s one thing to be a menace to society at large or players on the other team. It’s another to be both of those things and also have half the guys on your own team want to kill you.

2) Either D-1 program in West Virginia. Fully sentient human beings don’t enroll at either school without some inducement outside Myles Brand’s rule book or a work-release permit.

3) Well, there’s the distant wing of the family that rides their Harleys to the family reunion . . . .

4) I’ve spent more on opera tickets than football tickets each of the past three seasons. (Partial exculpation: Mid-major season tix are a lot cheaper than upper-tier seats at the Met.)

So, folks, I am deciding right now whether to come back to the office after spin class and stay here till 9 to hear the show and chat (we only have one internet connection at home right now so I can’t hear or participate if I go home.) Y’all going to make it worth my time?

1. Ron Mexico (since Pac Man is too obvious).
2. The “U” in a landslide.
3. Rich brother-in-law. Makes lotsa trips to the Caymans.
4. I like music from musicals/operas like West Side Story and Evita (stage, not the movie version).

1. Jim Thorpe

2. Dartmouth or Miami FL – pick-em

3. We’ve got an ex-member of a religious order who’s a recovering addict
 
4. Huge fan of George Eliot and Jane Austen. $26 haircuts.

You know we wouldn’t let you down, TCOAN.

TCOAN, you might know this… can you call in via skype?

TCOAN, you had better come on back. It’s gonna be a barn-burner.

1. Tony Mandarich
2. University of Houston a.k.a Cougar High
3. The recluse Uncle who got divorced and disappeared.
4. I moistureize.

The EDSBS Babe Dept:

TCOAN steals the show everytime she is on…..

Here is one big vote for Mary Anne “Swindle” to make her weekly contribution.

Just very curious TCOAN: Which celeberty do you look like? (My guess is one of those non-skinny babes with plenty of rack that come on the Spanish channels.)

1. Daniel “Rudy” Ruettiger
2. Oklahoma, the Switzer Years
3. Grandfather. Could of played most the characters in “The Departed” and would not of been acting.
4. I enjoy the aroma of scented candles from time to time.

The Questions Dept:

1. Who’s the sketchiest football player ever?

Lawrence Taylor. A demon on and off the field. Kickers are not football players.

2. Sketch-oid football program?

Free Shoes University

3. Do you have a sketchy family member?

One has three kids with three different women, not married to any.

4. How are you gay?

Each year I purchase subscriptions to two opera houses, but am not a season ticket holder of the ’bestest dang footbaw team evah" – Univ. of Southern Cal. (apologies for fake southern written drawl)

I don’t look like any celebrity, but Orson does have a type, and that type is not underendowed in the curves department.

1. Wow, that’s like picking out the dumbest member of Congress. Umm… I’ll take Dennis Lundy (for $400, natch, followed by Little Vick, Reggie Bush, and Maurice Clarett, in that order.
2. tOSU, Southern Cal, and Gary Barnett’s next coaching job. (no order)
3. I have to go with the great-great-granduncle who partied with Sam Clemens and supplied some of his early material. This guy made bank in the Nevada mines, spent more of it, did some time in the jug for being a drunk — this says something, being the 1870s — and told everyone he was from Pennsylvania instead of Ontario, to dodge mining laws. Sketchy, but in a nice way.
4. I have lived in San Francisco for 20 years and am still single. That alone is reason for people to wonder.

1. Who’s the sketchiest football player ever? Randy Moss. Anyone too sketchy to be a Seminole has to be worthy of consideration.

2. Sketch-oid football program? Has to be Ohio State. Come on, the list of transgressions would be 40 pounds if you had to file it at the county courthouse.

3. Do you have a sketchy family member? If you Google one of my uncles, someone describes him as a “villainous turd.” Not bad.

4. How are you gay? I have shiny silver toenails RIGHT NOW. My girlfriend and I went to a spa for our 2nd anniversary, which included a message (sans happy ending), a facial (sans bukkake), and a pedicure that ended in me saying “WTF” and letting the girl pick whatver color polish she wanted.

1) Special ua hate answer — Justin Levasseur, former te in tucson, got busted for running 87 lbs of weed in a uhaul through Illinois. Nice.

2) I’d say ua again, but in the interests of broadening scope I’ll go with everyone in the old SWC. Weren’t they the ones who inspired the phrase “If you ain’t cheatin, you ain’t tryin?”

3) Have a cousin who apparently is exceedingly sketchy — got my mom to take in him and his wife and toddler daughter while he was house shopping on a new job, and then proceeded to skip town after leaving his stuff at mom’s. Nice.

4) I’ll admit to paying more than is seemly for a haircut, but the most damning evidence has to be my weakness for musicals and romantic comedies. I’ve actually had the Sound of Music and My Fair Lady on my Christmas list for a couple years running now (it’s not as gay if you don’t spend your own money for it, right?)

1. Seconding Randy Moss – How can you get kicked out of FSU in Bobby Bowden’s prime allowance era? I mean, how many had to get knocked off for that?
2. Colorado – had both Neuhiesel and Barnett running corrupt as hell programs.
3. TOCAN knows this one (shared family, ya’ know) . . . The jewish tailor slave pirate.
4. I like pedicures, and I have a love of high quality foreign soaps.

One of these days I’m going to call in….

1. OJ Simpson, Marcus Vick, and the WVU doubleteam of Henry/Jones (I’m like a proud mama)

2. Univ. of Miami

3. My ex-uncle owned a plane, made frequent trips to South America, and didn’t have an actual job. But since we’re not actually related anymore, my grandpa was a division president of the teamsters in the 70s.

4. I would have a 3-way with Scarlett Johansen.

1. Maurice C is the easy answer… but I’m going with Joey Porter. Gets in a fight in Vegas, has dogs that attack people, and took a bullet to the ass. This guy is soooooome shady.

2. SMU – hands down. Any school that is so sketchy that it has it’s football program eliminated by the NCAA (itself MAD sketchy) has to be some shady shenanigans.

3. None! Or all. Hard to tell really.

4. I get my haircut at a place called the Grooming Lounge. But they serve beer. Still… I shell out more than a few clams for this nice mop of stylized sexy.

1. Hart Lee Dykes – sketchy name….and four (4) programs on probation while he goes pro….that’s all time there.

2. U. of Miami IS the easy answer…they should have emeritus status. But I’ll go with Oklahoma…if they had a book about sketchy programs, J. Holloway in fur coat and gold chains would be the cover boy.

3. A cousin who works for the local book. Cleared by the grand jury.

4. I think Erasure kicks ass.

1) Lawrence Phillips. Dragging the girlfriend down the stairs by her hair was bad enough, trying to run kids over in your truck because they talked smack is the rancid cherry on the shit sundae.

2) SC’s too easy, and besides there are perfectly plausible explanations for most of it… reasonable doubt type excuses, anyway. I was tempted to go with the naked mercenary greed of the Notre Dame Athletic Department over their independent status for football, but that’s a philosophical quibble. So Oklahoma it is.

3) Covered this on the broadcast board: my great uncle Bill was a Church of Scotland minister, his wife Euphemia or Effie for short (note the foreshadowing) was a minister’s daughter herself. During WWII he was a chaplain with one of the Scottish regiments in Italy and France. Effie’s contribution to the war effort was to fuck her way through most of the Free Polish Army stationed in Scotland. After the war, Bill’s career as a minister was somewhat dented, so they moved to England so that he could teach theology. She took up with a burly German lesbian called Ute or something, and he moved into his study.

4) The tattered remnants of my RP / BBC accent don’t scream “butch.” Fortunately, I’ve let myself go a bit since the days when my now-wife’s gay housemate thought I was batting for his team. Apparently the monster sideburns and both ears pierced caused a false positive on his gay-dar.

1. Wayne Madkin. How many years of eligibility did this guy get? 9? 11?

2. Nebraska. Nobody ever does time for the throw-girlfriend-down-the-stairs-and-into-the-wall spring endurance drills and the 452 scholarships, they are indeed sketchy.

3. Me. Between being the only one arrested for public intoxication at an LSU home opener (out of 81,000 folks), dressing like Ric Flair (WOOOOOOO!) at last fall’s LSU/UF game and being semi good at lying (but not about the above), even my life long friends aren’t sure of who or what I am.

4. I happily pay almost 40 bucks for my haircut. Tried paying less, but this girl is just too good. And no lingering boobs on my shoulder are ever involved. I just started moisturizing my hands. Hey, it makes a nice difference, whether on my ties or my ladies.

Upon further review the biggest football player sketch-ball of all time has to be Rae Carruth.

its awesome that he was available as wr #21 on the all time CU teams tho.

dude was fast.

1) Lawrence Phillips – For reasons listed above by #29.
2) Historic: Pony Express SMU – The only program to receive the death penalty (although Switzer-era Oklahoma might have also deserved it)
Current: Tennessee, but I have a feeling that with Boone Pickens’ huge donation, Oklahoma State is going to be a major player in the sketchiness sweepstakes.
3) A cousin who has had two prison stints and for a few months we didn’t if he was even alive.
4) “Desperate Housewives” is one of my favorite shows

I should also add under #4 that I’m going to a Bjork concert this summer, but it’s at Red Rocks, which mitigates the gayness with a touch of “hey, no concert at Red Rocks is a bad one.”

Also, the EDSBS Live show was really, really great. Well done, gentlemen.

1.) How was Willie Williams formerly of da U not mentioned?

2.) Also just to be different, Tennessee, the year that inspired the glorious Fulmer Cup.

3.) My Mexican great-grandfather had a second family on the side whose desendents asked us for money 4 yrs ago. Just can’t make that up. So Gabriel Garcia Marquez-ish.

4.) Rihanna’s “SOS” is a great song. That has to be loss of man points.
As George Lopez would say….MAS PUTO.

DC, speaking of Scotland, what, if anything, do you know about Kirkcaldy? Inquiring minds going there next weekend want to know.

1. No votes for Michael “I’m so bad, ESPN had to fire me” Irvin?? Yeah, that was your FRIEND’s crackpipe in the car, right….

2. Now, I’d have to go with tOSU.

3. I’d say my sister, she of the multiple DUI’s, except for the fact that I’m distantly related to Warren G. Harding. That takes the cake.

4. I’m a brand whore, and I’ve carried a Coach manbag (I live in Japan, and worked in Tokyo—heading to work on the subway in a suit, a backpack just doesn’t cut it.) I don’t get expensive haircuts since I shave my head, but I’ve enjoyed the occaisional pedicure. I enjoy watching Ugly Betty. And I’ve also seen Bjork in concert—best live concert I’ve ever seen, by the way. Enjoy it, R.U.T.S.

Yea I think I speak for many people when I say “RajunCajunRebel” aught to have his own show where called “Tales from the Swamps” where he gets loaded and carries on for all to enjoy.

1. Randy Moss – When Free Shoes U says “No thanks.”….

2. SMU ‘80s edition/tOSU Tressell edition – Wish I was old enough to enjoy the SMU teams from that time. Seemed like a bad-ass, don’t give a shit period down there!

3. Wife’s sister – I refer to her as the “Tony Gwinn” of the family due to the fact that she’s had four kids with four different men. The baseball equivelent of “hitting for the cycle” Lives in what could pass for a crack house, always mananges to show up at family functions with a “guy of the week” and no kids at her side and completely shocked that anyone “gives her grief” about her situation. She’s in her 30’s by the way.

4. Scented candles and chap stick/lip balm – In the winter, if there isn’t a scented “sugar cookie” or “apple pie” scented candle burning, I’m grumpy. Wife got me hooked on chap stick. Never realized how “naked” my lips really were. I reapply at least ten times a day.

Seriously, that was hard to follow up, even if I was like 5 callers down the row.

DC, speaking of Scotland, what, if anything, do you know about Kirkcaldy? Inquiring minds going there next weekend want to know.

What in the name of the wee man would take you to Kirkcaldy? About the last interesting thing to happen there was when they started making linoleum. Before that, the birth of Adam Smith.

Seriously, my father’s parents used to live in Fife past Kirkcaldy, and twice a year we had to drive on the effing A915 including the crawl through the Lang Toun. The A92 bypass is the one road I’d pay to use if they’d let me.

I honestly don’t know what to suggest – the local delights are small scale. Perhaps enjoy the names? (Lochgelly, Auchtertool, Coalton of Wemyss for starters.) There’s Falkland Palace near Cupar – good for about 45 minutes of wandering around pretending to be interested, and then the traditional cup of tea and scone round the corner in the village.

Raith Rovers are playing a home game against Greenock Morton on Saturday 14th, how bad could a Scottish Second Division game be?

Failing that, rent a car and go to St Andrews. Or take the train back to Edinburgh.

(Now watch, you’ll go there, have a great time, and conclude that I’m being uncharitable.)

If y’all like RCR, y’all should move here. Not saying RCR ain’t special or dogging him (except for the part about him being a Rebel snicker) but we have quite a few characters like that. It’s part of the extremely short sided positive side of the ledger involved in living in the great state of Louisiana. We may be corrupt/poor/stupid/whatever, but we have great food and interesting people. And hot chicks, can’t forget the wimmen folk.

LSUJoshua- you’ve convinced me. Forget moving back to Austin, I’m headed to Louisiana. I love Cajun food, and I love a Cajun accent even more.

I had a playoff game my soph year of HS in Plain Dealing, LA – that name alone won my heart in regards to the state of Louisiana

Notice Plain Dealing is not in the southern part of the state. (and I’m from the southern part)

Oh Lord, look on google maps 10 south of Plain Dealing.