TRESSEL HAYES BORN, PUNCHES DOCTOR.

by Orson on Apr 9, 2007 12:18 PM EDT

Ohio State, we knight you as an honorary member of the SEC:

"Tressel Hayes Huffines -- sounds as sweet as an OSU victory over Michigan," Brent Huffines, 27, said Sunday while cradling the 3-day-old boy in the neonatal intensive care unit at Ohio State University Medical Center.

The parents actually named their child after not one, but two Ohio State coaches, something so completely deranged we'll go ahead and accuse the attending medical staff at the hospital of negligence for not immediately testing the father for tertiary syphilis. We'll also predict that the child will take their first steps at age two, whereupon he will be tackled savagely by a helmetless Earl Everett.

Honey, get down! Get down Tressel Hayes!

Aside from serving as an argument as to why couples with an aggregate age under 50 should NOT have children, the birth also served as the occasion for a whole array of strange incidents:

1. Afterbirth contained lint roller and gambling chit signed by Art Schlicter.

2. Child's first diaper stain?

In the shape of Lloyd Carr's profile, oddly enough. Now for sale on EBay and currently holding steady at $16.95. Will increase in value over time, however, as child will only defecate in styrofoam coolers.

3. Baby grabbed doctor by surgical mask and punched him shortly after exiting the birth canal.

4. Child's natural birth and problem-free vaginal delivery lauded by Big Ten Commissioner Jim Delany in the following statement:

We at the Big Ten congratulate the Huffines baby. We realize that at just under six pounds, the child may be smaller than 10 pound, 7 ounce Urban Spurrier Hernandez, born in Miami yesterday via caesarean section to the Hernandez family of Hialeah, Florida.

We would like to say, however, that in the Big Ten we refuse to compromise the birth of our children with savage C-sections. We also encourage our mothers to eat healthy foods, unlike some people who drink corn syrup straight from the jar during their pregnancies in between drags on their Kool 100s. Finally, we would also like to note that on his birth, adorable little Tressel Hayes will be surrounded by a competent, trained, and caring medical staff, and not brought into the world by a drunken hack with an expired medical license from the Dominican Republic who just put down his bistec y queso sandwich before performing the procedure.

Again, we congratulate both families on their joyous births, even if one of them is doomed to a life of troglodyte obesity and an early death by stabbing in a botched drug deal.

Yours,

Jim Delany

Delany: clearly overjoyed.

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Comments

Bistec y queso sandwich? I think I just figured out my lunch plans.

by DevilGrad on Apr 9, 2007 12:23 PM EDT reply actions

What would happen to a kid in Ohio named Bruce Cooper?

by Gus Witgenstein on Apr 9, 2007 12:24 PM EDT reply actions

It’s not all that odd, I guess. I had a neighbor my age named Woody growing up, and when I worked fast food in high school, there was a guy on the crew named Earle (oh, the misfortune of being born just before the 1980 Rose Bowl).

Well, okay, so it’s not that odd, but it’s still scary.

by Chuck on Apr 9, 2007 12:24 PM EDT reply actions

There’s a notable omission here:

“His wife wasn’t so sure.

But Brent Huffines’ choice won out."

They don’t say how, but it undoubtedly involved a firm backhand and a fifth of Jim Beam.

by mark on Apr 9, 2007 12:25 PM EDT reply actions

my sources are telling me carl monday is the child’s real father.

by bellefay on Apr 9, 2007 12:34 PM EDT reply actions

I don’t think that Mr Huffines is a real buckeye – he has a real wife who gave birth to a real child. Although perhaps the age difference between him and his blushing (child) bride might reflect the time lost to the library’s internet connection.

I noticed that one of the grandfathers made some comment about the unfortunate child not going to Michigan for college – there are geater risks though.

If in 16 years he strays too far north of Toledo he’s going to be pulled over for the old soon-to-be-broken tail-light and then extraordinarily renditioned to a double wide somewhere past the Ojibwa RV Park & Casino on the UP, to be seen again only after 4 straight wins for Michigan over tOSU.

by DC Trojan on Apr 9, 2007 12:39 PM EDT reply actions

#3, those both sound like first names. Here the kid got two last names. While the first is sad, the second is just creepy.

by Jonathan on Apr 9, 2007 12:46 PM EDT reply actions

“Tressel Hayes Huffines was born a month premature, weighing 5 pounds, 14 ounces. He will remain in the hospital for at least a few days and possibly a few weeks.”

If Tressel remains in the hospital for too long, say 50 days, will he blame the hospital for getting his ass kicked by U.M. Hernandez?

by AUAlum on Apr 9, 2007 12:46 PM EDT reply actions

What would happen to a kid in Ohio named Bruce Cooper?

EASY. He would recruit the best possible group of friends — kids who would no doubt go on to be the best workers on their respective assembly lines — but they would inevitably be beaten senseless by average, otherwise underachieving douchebags from the north.

by Run Up The Score on Apr 9, 2007 12:57 PM EDT reply actions

Shouldn’t that be Erickson Schnellenberger Hernandez?

by Mosby on Apr 9, 2007 12:58 PM EDT reply actions

While the child’s first and middle names are stealing the show, there has to be room for a good Raising Arizona joke here with that last name.

by Jeremy on Apr 9, 2007 12:59 PM EDT reply actions

How much you wanna bet Mike Cooper’s middle name is Bruce?

(As an aside, the ad at the end of this thread is for a “Compost Toilet Blog” — I thought it was another of Orson’s jokes at first. But then I realized it would have said “Compost Styrofoam Cooler Blog.”)

by Dave on Apr 9, 2007 1:11 PM EDT reply actions

Paying homage to coaches is okay but Roman emperors is whole other story.

Brad Johnson, Cowboys backup QB, has a son named Maximus Johnson. Now that’s a name to live up to.

by Mike P. on Apr 9, 2007 1:17 PM EDT reply actions

Unfortunately, the Huffines will not get the chance to know young Tressel as Jeremy Foley has just sold him to the ne’er do well nephew of the Yemeni crown prince for the sum of $485,000. The proceeds of the sale will be used to resurface the University of Florida’s three wall racquetball courts.

by YMB on Apr 9, 2007 1:30 PM EDT reply actions

So, am I to assume when this kid grows up he’ll change his name to Tressel Hayes Arizona?

by spartymike on Apr 9, 2007 1:34 PM EDT reply actions

I don’t think you can claim Hialeah as part of the south. Dade and Broward counties are not actually part of the United States.

by Dave on Apr 9, 2007 1:44 PM EDT reply actions

Just think, with a name like that, if he doesn’t make it in football, he’s got a helluva head start as a country/western singer.

by Southern Papa on Apr 9, 2007 1:56 PM EDT reply actions

#15-you beat me to it. And his jammies will have “Yodas and shit” on ’em!

by Because They Can on Apr 9, 2007 2:14 PM EDT reply actions

Biggus Dickus was already taken.

by Harris on Apr 9, 2007 2:28 PM EDT reply actions

Thanks, BTC…but Ding! got there before both of us…I only saw it after I posted. In the Ombudslady thread…

When it comes to college football, satire will always be a couple steps behind real life. Just unreal.

by spartymike on Apr 9, 2007 2:28 PM EDT reply actions

Dave, Broward County north of I-595 is still in the United States. South of there is pretty much Little Havana.

by SunDawg on Apr 9, 2007 2:47 PM EDT reply actions

Those wacky Mormons!!
http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=2830822

by RedDevilEA on Apr 9, 2007 3:07 PM EDT reply actions

threadjack, but still on the FL kicks OSU’s ass theme:

http://www.thesabre.com/message_board/basketball/2007/April/6/909394.php

by ness on Apr 9, 2007 3:11 PM EDT reply actions

Would you buy furniture from a place called “unpainted Huffines?”

by Judge on Apr 9, 2007 3:23 PM EDT reply actions

yawn. Right before the Super Bowl, the Knoxville paper did a piece on the 100+ area kids that have been named after Peyton Manning in the last decade. This is amatuer hour.

by Holly on Apr 9, 2007 3:28 PM EDT reply actions

That’s just an alias….his real name is Nathan Arizona……

by Huggies on Apr 9, 2007 3:30 PM EDT reply actions

Tressel Hayes Arizona [fka Huffines] born a month premature. Much like the annointing of OSU as national champs this year before the game was played.

by Irwin Fletcher on Apr 9, 2007 3:31 PM EDT reply actions

So what did Delaney say that was inaccurate?

(ducks)

by sjs1959 on Apr 9, 2007 7:39 PM EDT reply actions

Isn’t Huffines the name of the furniture salesman in Raising Arizona? I could totally see them naming their kids after a football coach or two. Either that, or naming him Nathan, Jr.

“Would you buy furniture at a store called ‘Unpainted Huffines’?”

by DC Domer on Apr 10, 2007 10:34 AM EDT reply actions

On the PTI show after Kornheiser read this little bit of news, Wilbon said something to the effect that when the kid grew up he probably would get his ass kicked by someone named Urban Donovan something-or-other. Ba-da-bing!

by darthgatorone on Apr 10, 2007 9:12 PM EDT reply actions