Everyday Should Be Saturday

April 9, 2007

DAVID IRONS: FORE! ER, FOUR!

David Irons, he of the undying Irons brothers and their genre-defining interview, may want to bring his own shoes to the NFL Draft. More specifically, the ones labeled ‘L’ and ‘R’ that denote which foot to put them on.

Irons tied with Weber State safety Bo Reed for the lowest score on this year’s Wonderlic: a four. To give Irons and Reed an idea of how bad that is, it’s this many:

Vince Young and Chris Leak can now officially tell the world to go suck it–they did twice as well, and that was on the first try. That’s the lowest score we can recall, with only Frank Gore’s 5 coming close. (Though Brock Berlin’s tennish score for a quarterback is, when graded on the qbs curve, somehow worse than all of them…except Leak and Young, of course.)

Lest we begin the Auburn/Sociology degree bashing…linebacker Earl Everett of Florida registered a five on the test, proving that his helmetless attack in the national title game really wasn’t so daring as previously thought. Go Gators!



Filed under: Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Southeastern Conference, sprained cerebrum, woo!  by Orson Swindle

DO NOT THROW WATER BALLOONS AT BYU PLAYERS

BYU players don’t appreciate a lot of things. Don’t rib them for playing for school where tailgaters can’t drink beer; they hate that shit. Don’t joke about them being slow and white, either, since plenty of them aren’t, and if you do they might draw and quarter you in a bowl game you stumble into one middling season. (See: Oregon, 2006 Pioneer PureVision Bowl.)

One new wrinkle: don’t throw water balloons at them, either. A couple of students mischievously tossed some water balloons at attendees of a parking lot dance in Provo late Friday night. (This pales in comparison to what Florida players have been doing in parking lots lately, of course. Fair editorial self-mutilation seeks affirmation!)

Not funny at BYU.

One water balloon hit a woman, who did what all dumb belligerent women do: find dumb huge men to do their bidding.

One woman, 19-year-old Natalie Dew, of Provo, got hit on the leg and became upset.

“Some insults and threats were exchanged between the two above and Dew below and Dew said that she would be returning with some guys,” Edwards said.”

Hooks, Dew and So’oto entered the apartment building and went up to the third floor, but got turned around and confused inside the building and started banging on the wrong apartment door, demanding entrance, Edwards said.

When no one answered immediately, Edwards said Hooks kicked the door in.

Undaunted, they displayed tenacity in finding the rogue balloon snipers and eventually kicked the correct door in, for which they won the prize of a second burglary charge each and an arrest by the apartment’s security guard, an off-duty local policeman.

BYU makes their Fulmer Cup debut with what we’ll initially call a six point offense, subject to further modification pending the total charges assessed. Bronco Hammer Anchordick Magnum Jackfoot Mendehall (totally a fake name), BYU coach, has suspended Terrance Deshawn Hooks and Vitale TaAaga Magauli So’oto, but praised their form in attacking the doors and driving through them with their hips.



Filed under: Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Fulmer Cup, Mid Major Conferences  by Orson Swindle

TRESSEL HAYES BORN, PUNCHES DOCTOR.

Ohio State, we knight you as an honorary member of the SEC:

“Tressel Hayes Huffines — sounds as sweet as an OSU victory over Michigan,” Brent Huffines, 27, said Sunday while cradling the 3-day-old boy in the neonatal intensive care unit at Ohio State University Medical Center.

The parents actually named their child after not one, but two Ohio State coaches, something so completely deranged we’ll go ahead and accuse the attending medical staff at the hospital of negligence for not immediately testing the father for tertiary syphilis. We’ll also predict that the child will take their first steps at age two, whereupon he will be tackled savagely by a helmetless Earl Everett.


Honey, get down! Get down Tressel Hayes!

Aside from serving as an argument as to why couples with an aggregate age under 50 should NOT have children, the birth also served as the occasion for a whole array of strange incidents:

1. Afterbirth contained lint roller and gambling chit signed by Art Schlicter.

2. Child’s first diaper stain? (more…)



Filed under: Big 10 Conference, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Ohio=pwned, bizarro superman says you're welcome, heisemens, sprained cerebrum, your prized overrated quarterback  by Orson Swindle

FULMER CUP UPDATE: THE BIG BOARD MINUS MINNY

The Big Board for this week. Notes and addenda follow.

Notes:

Minnesota’s a-comin’, yah. Large points coming to Minnesota, who welcomed Tim Brewster and his first spring game by discovering that three players allegedly raped an 18-year old in an apartment complex where many of the football players live. The Gophers do not make the board because, for at least another hour, they won’t have charges filed against them since Minneapolis court files the papers at noon.

They do however currently sit in jail with bond set at around 100K, a number which is the only telling evidence thus far in a case with little in the way of details–a hundred thou is not a number a defense attorney would take as indication of a weak case. The three players are facing third-degree sexual assault charges, which per this Star-Tribune article “usually does involve penetration, nonconsensual penetration.”

Ruling: points pending with update to follow.

Florida wants you to feel what it’s like to be scared. Florida clearly needs to avoid parking lots at all costs: first Justin Doe is charged with affray in a parking lot brawl, then his teammate Ronnie Wilson decides to threaten a man with both his 300 pound frame and an assault rifle, which he may or may not have discharged in said parking lot. Getting Florida players on bicycles may be the first environmental campaign all Gator fans can agree on unanimously.

Penn State’s Burglary/Brawl still pending. The points are potentially huge in this case, but no charges filed, a-no points for a-you. Will monitor.

PS: Check out Run Up The Score for the latest updates on the Penn State debacle. It’s Passions–style soap opera quality news.



Filed under: All-Conference, Big 10 Conference, College football, Fulmer Cup, Southeastern Conference  by Orson Swindle

OMBUDSPERSON-LADY: +1.

We’ll get to the alleged train-running in Minnesota–Tim Brewster, mahalo to you!–in a minute. First, however, we would like to do something we don’t do enough around here: say something positive about ESPN.

The new ombudsperson-lady, Lee Anne Schreiber, a former sports editor at the New York Times, actually responded to our emails regarding ESPN Radio personality Colin Cowherd’s deliberate “blowing-up” of TheBigLead.com on Thursday. (It’s back up, btw, and looking for new hosting. Go easy on it.)

Responsiveness is good, even if it is an intern pumping out pat responses or whatever. Schreiber gets another point for actually serving notice to Cowherd in her Sunday column entitled (clearly enough) “Cowherd’s ‘attack’ on blog: ‘Zero tolerance’.” In fact, judging from the column, the whole thing was a special bit just on Cowherd’s behavior, since she mentions at the end of the column that her regular stuff won’t come out ’til Thursday.


More on Cowherd getting his dumb on…again.

The more relevant snippets:

Some of the politer terms my correspondents used to describe Cowherd’s behavior were immature, irresponsible, arrogant, malicious, destructive and dumb. I agree…. (more…)



Filed under: Blog Buddies, ESPN Hollywoodtainment!  by Orson Swindle

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