THE HAWKINSESESES VISIT FLORIDA.
by Orson on Apr 5, 2007 9:43 AM EDT
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PrintExcitable coach Dan Hawkins and his son Cody visited the University of Florida and Urban Meyer to, in Coach Hawk's words "...to just get out and compare notes and see how other people do things." We have a short snippet of the exchange between two of the most dynamic young coaches in college football today.
Hawkins: Man, it's just awesome of you to have us here today Coach Meyer.
Meyer: Our pleasure, Dan. We run an open shop here.
Hawkins: And congratulations on that national title. That's really an amazing accomplishment.
UM: We owe it all to our players. They really bought in to what we were saying, and with good senior leadership, they were the ones who made it happen.
Hawkins: That's what I'm here to find out about. Now, how exactly did you do that?
UM: Well, it all starts with...
CH: Hey, what's that over there?
UM: Over there? That's our weight room, Dan.
CH: Man, lifting weights gets me pumped--like I could break steel girders with my bare hands.
UM: Um, yeah, Dan. It's a core part of our program here...
DH: Or just like a Jedi, you know. Bending them with my mind with my hand out like this, you know. Just fucking bending the shit out of steel girders with nothing but my Jedi brain. God, it gets me pumped. You win the game with your mind first, right man? Right?
Cody Hawkins, backing up: Coach Meyer, you should back up a bit.
UM: Uh, what's going on here?
Cody Hawkins: He's getting excited. This could take a while.
DH: See! All in the freakin' mind! I'm pulling a train because I'm excited about playing Division 1 football, dammit!
Cody Hawkins: Yeah. He's just getting started. Sorry about this. We should get under something sturdy.
UM: Run! Get back! NOWWWW!!!
DH: YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT POWER YOU CAN UNLEASH WITH YOUR MIND!!!!
UM: Coach, we've got a staff meeting you might want to sit in on in five, and we've really...
DH: I FIGHT THE BEASTS OF THE FORESTS WITHOUT LIFTING A HAND!!! I BRING DOWN THE MOUNTAIN ONE PEBBLE AT A TIME!!!! I AM A LIKE A GLACIER WITH AN M-16 THAT I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO FIRE!!! WAAAAAHHHGGGGHHHH!!!!
UM: He's unhinged. But whatever he's doing for an ab workout works, kid.
Cody Hawkins: I never should have taken him to see that fucking movie. Never.
DH: SPARTANS...TONIGHT WE DINE...IN HELL!!!
No bears were injured in Dan Hawkins' visit to Gainesville. That's a lie and you know it, because Dan Hawkins totally killed that bear before resurrecting it in a Chippewa shaman's ceremony he learned by living with the tribe.
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That is f’n hilarious!!!! Well done sir. Well done.
by Cocky on Apr 5, 2007 9:48 AM EDT reply actions
If you don’t like it, Jerkwheat, go play intramurals!
by Dawg 05 on Apr 5, 2007 10:17 AM EDT reply actions
GAHHH! stupid submit comment button cutting me off..anyway…
THIS IS BLOGGING! IT’S EDSBS! THIS AIN’T !!
by Jerkwheat on Apr 5, 2007 10:36 AM EDT reply actions
I give up, Hawkins isn’t having it apparently.
by Jerkwheat on Apr 5, 2007 10:39 AM EDT reply actions
Hawkins and his Jedi mind tricks are everywhere, evidently. Be afraid, Jerkwheat, be very afraid.
by Beatuofa on Apr 5, 2007 11:02 AM EDT reply actions
Congratulations, D-Hawk. You former team just played the most exciting game of the BCS while you were chillin’ in Boulder, making Gary Barnett look good. Hope you took a few (hundred) pages of notes while at UF.
by Gator KK on Apr 5, 2007 11:03 AM EDT reply actions
So let me just lay down some ground rules: “moldy” He-Man references are hilarious on EDSBS but not so funny on Family Guy, right Orson?? Just wondering…
by Galen on Apr 5, 2007 11:04 AM EDT reply actions
“Our TIm Tebow will blot out the sun!”
“Then our horribly inferior Colorado football team will have to fight in the shade.”
by merrillfantasy on Apr 5, 2007 11:09 AM EDT reply actions
waaaaiiit a tic…Hawkins didn’t call Urban “brother” at all? Not once?
Now that’s weird, brother! SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM, BROTHER MEYER!!
by RaginCajunRebel on Apr 5, 2007 11:11 AM EDT reply actions
Funny is an aspiration of the blog, but never, ever a guarantee, sir. We differ from Family Guy in that we try to vary up our allusions somewhat. McFarlane’s are exclusively from the years 1975—1988.
Hell, we ref Sumeria on this blog. Sumeria, dammit.
And we’d be lying if we said we hadn’t laughed at some things on Family Guy. Like Optimus Prime being Jewish, for example.
by Orson Swindle on Apr 5, 2007 11:13 AM EDT reply actions
Nothing is funny on Family Guy. That’s a good place to start.
by Chg on Apr 5, 2007 11:15 AM EDT reply actions
fulmer cup alert!!!!!!… apparently we gators are also the reigning national champions in shooting firearms:
http://www.gatorsports.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070405/LOCAL/70405003
by rjsplow on Apr 5, 2007 11:45 AM EDT reply actions
Can someone slip Daniel a mickey in his complimentary Gatorade, preferably thorazine?
by Mike P. on Apr 5, 2007 12:00 PM EDT reply actions
There has to be a connection between Jerkwheat’s inability to finish a sentence and Orson’s reference to a Chippewa shaman…but I just….can’t…..quite…..do it.
by PeteJayhawk on Apr 5, 2007 12:46 PM EDT reply actions
Pete – I was gonna make the Chippewa reference too – but it gets confusing for me as well. I blame my time working for the Chippewa in their damnable casino.
Either that or I was possessed by JI
JIM THOME
by Jerkwheat on Apr 5, 2007 1:05 PM EDT reply actions
You know, all the FG bashing around here is funny in and of itself, given that most of what we do is:
“Hey, you remember that time Phil Foolmer was a big fat idiot?”
by PeterPumpkinhead on Apr 5, 2007 1:27 PM EDT reply actions
Couldn’t have said it better myself, Peter.
With all these Family Guy references Orson keeps dropping, I’m beginning to think someone got the box set for Christmas they were clammering for. Made it through season 3 yet, OS?
by Mike P. on Apr 5, 2007 1:52 PM EDT reply actions
hmmm, I think I started something; the Family Guy defenders are going to be out in force. I was merely policing the police my friends, nothing more. Lord knows if not for Seinfeld or Simpsons I would have no contemporary references. By the way Orson, you are correct: the FG references are in large part targeted for someone in their mid 30’s who grew up an 80’s child – like me. I can’t help but laugh at some of the remote references they bring up that I completely forgot about, something eerily similar to EDSBS – but in a different timeframe.
by Galen on Apr 5, 2007 2:16 PM EDT reply actions
We take no offense at any of this—it’s individual taste. If anything, our taste is more outmoded than the average Family Guy fan, since we think The Simpsons runs rings around it even in its weakest seasons.
But it’s humor. Telling people you don’t like something they do is like telling them you wouldn’t fuck their wife. Actually, it may be worse.
by Orson Swindle on Apr 5, 2007 2:23 PM EDT reply actions
Oh, it’s worse…
My point wasn’t to defend FG (though it has its moments). If I had a choice of AS shows to resurrect, I’d have taken Futurama by a long shot, but that’s just me. I just have this uncontrollable urge to point out when deep space calls the kettle black.
by PeterPumpkinhead on Apr 5, 2007 3:20 PM EDT reply actions
Oh, and if you don’t like it, you can bite my shiny metal ass.
by PeterPumpkinhead on Apr 5, 2007 3:21 PM EDT reply actions
Would respond, but too busy watching hypnotoad.
by Orson Swindle on Apr 5, 2007 5:30 PM EDT reply actions
So we’ve got Family Guy fans and Family Guy haters. Does anyone else fit into my group (the people who liked Family Guy before it got canceled but think it’s sucked since it came back)?
I still like some old ones like the Dixie episode, but Family Guy was never on the same level as South Park or the Simpsons.
by Kakistocrat on Apr 5, 2007 6:05 PM EDT reply actions
I liked it when I smoked weed, but after I quit, not so much.
by rob on Apr 5, 2007 7:38 PM EDT reply actions
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