THE HAWKINSESESES VISIT FLORIDA.
Excitable coach Dan Hawkins and his son Cody visited the University of Florida and Urban Meyer to, in Coach Hawk’s words “…to just get out and compare notes and see how other people do things.” We have a short snippet of the exchange between two of the most dynamic young coaches in college football today.
Hawkins: Man, it’s just awesome of you to have us here today Coach Meyer.
Meyer: Our pleasure, Dan. We run an open shop here.
Hawkins: And congratulations on that national title. That’s really an amazing accomplishment.
UM: We owe it all to our players. They really bought in to what we were saying, and with good senior leadership, they were the ones who made it happen.
Hawkins: That’s what I’m here to find out about. Now, how exactly did you do that?
UM: Well, it all starts with…
CH: Hey, what’s that over there?
UM: Over there? That’s our weight room, Dan.
CH: Man, lifting weights gets me pumped–like I could break steel girders with my bare hands.
UM: Um, yeah, Dan. It’s a core part of our program here…
DH: Or just like a Jedi, you know. Bending them with my mind with my hand out like this, you know. Just fucking bending the shit out of steel girders with nothing but my Jedi brain. God, it gets me pumped. You win the game with your mind first, right man? Right?
Cody Hawkins, backing up: Coach Meyer, you should back up a bit.
UM: Uh, what’s going on here?
Cody Hawkins: He’s getting excited. This could take a while.
DH: See! All in the freakin’ mind! I’m pulling a train because I’m excited about playing Division 1 football, dammit!
Cody Hawkins: Yeah. He’s just getting started. Sorry about this. We should get under something sturdy.
UM: Run! Get back! NOWWWW!!!
DH: YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT POWER YOU CAN UNLEASH WITH YOUR MIND!!!!
UM: Coach, we’ve got a staff meeting you might want to sit in on in five, and we’ve really…
DH: I FIGHT THE BEASTS OF THE FORESTS WITHOUT LIFTING A HAND!!! I BRING DOWN THE MOUNTAIN ONE PEBBLE AT A TIME!!!! I AM A LIKE A GLACIER WITH AN M-16 THAT I DON’T EVEN HAVE TO FIRE!!! WAAAAAHHHGGGGHHHH!!!!
UM: He’s unhinged. But whatever he’s doing for an ab workout works, kid.
Cody Hawkins: I never should have taken him to see that fucking movie. Never.
DH: SPARTANS…TONIGHT WE DINE…IN HELL!!!
No bears were injured in Dan Hawkins’ visit to Gainesville. That’s a lie and you know it, because Dan Hawkins totally killed that bear before resurrecting it in a Chippewa shaman’s ceremony he learned by living with the tribe.
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28
Why was Hawkins playing patty-cake with The Orgeron?
Comment by JD — April 5, 2007 @ 7:34 pm
27
I liked it when I smoked weed, but after I quit, not so much.
Comment by rob — April 5, 2007 @ 6:38 pm
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So we’ve got Family Guy fans and Family Guy haters. Does anyone else fit into my group (the people who liked Family Guy before it got canceled but think it’s sucked since it came back)?
I still like some old ones like the Dixie episode, but Family Guy was never on the same level as South Park or the Simpsons.
Comment by Kakistocrat — April 5, 2007 @ 5:05 pm
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Would respond, but too busy watching hypnotoad.
Comment by Orson Swindle — April 5, 2007 @ 4:30 pm
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Oh, and if you don’t like it, you can bite my shiny metal ass.
Comment by PeterPumpkinhead — April 5, 2007 @ 2:21 pm
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Oh, it’s worse…
My point wasn’t to defend FG (though it has its moments). If I had a choice of AS shows to resurrect, I’d have taken Futurama by a long shot, but that’s just me. I just have this uncontrollable urge to point out when deep space calls the kettle black.
Comment by PeterPumpkinhead — April 5, 2007 @ 2:20 pm
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We take no offense at any of this–it’s individual taste. If anything, our taste is more outmoded than the average Family Guy fan, since we think The Simpsons runs rings around it even in its weakest seasons.
But it’s humor. Telling people you don’t like something they do is like telling them you wouldn’t fuck their wife. Actually, it may be worse.
Comment by Orson Swindle — April 5, 2007 @ 1:23 pm
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hmmm, I think I started something; the Family Guy defenders are going to be out in force. I was merely policing the police my friends, nothing more. Lord knows if not for Seinfeld or Simpsons I would have no contemporary references. By the way Orson, you are correct: the FG references are in large part targeted for someone in their mid 30’s who grew up an 80’s child – like me. I can’t help but laugh at some of the remote references they bring up that I completely forgot about, something eerily similar to EDSBS – but in a different timeframe.
Comment by Galen — April 5, 2007 @ 1:16 pm