SEEING OTHER PEOPLE: 10 REASONS YOU SHOULD ROOT FOR FLORIDA TONIGHT
by Orson on Apr 2, 2007 4:25 PM EDT
Email
PrintOne you get over the incessant squeaking of the shoes and the Japanese saga-sized memory you need to remember all of the teams and their rosters, basketball is still grossly inferior to football in every conceivable way. Every college with over 500 students has a team, the players breeze through in one year on their way to a low bid in the NBA draft and eventual career riding the bench for a Greek semi-pro team, and it's played indoors. Even as a placebo for lack of proper sporting content, it's still a bitter pill to swallow.
It's what we've got, however, and if we were ever going to write about it as someone with what could lightly be called a rabid Florida bias, that time would be now. After alpha-dogging Ohio State in the national title game, Florida's charismatic defending national title squad faces off against the very same Buckeyes tonight for the national men's basketball title.
A moment of memory for those who don't recall what happened in football.
Ah, who can't get enough of that? Moving on: we now attempt to convince you to root for Florida's basketball team tonight, since now that we've won one national title already, roared through the regular season, SEC tournament, and now the Big Dance, we're paying attention. (No one said we were trendsetters.)
10. Taurean Green, random basketball event generator. Press the button: you may get a turnover, or a halfcourt three, or brilliant bounce pass inside to a waiting big man. If you're crazy about Russian Roulette or the entire country of India, you'll love the random mayhem that can be a frustrated Green at the point.
9. Our mascot. Again, in the era of roided-out anabolic wonders who got mid-90s redos by the design department, Albert still plods around like a middle-aged dad looking for the family-sized bag of baked Doritos.
(You can hear him, can't you? Hey, if I eat half the bag, it's still only sixty percent of my calories for the day!) Still evidently the carb-lovingest mascot in the known universe.
8. Tito Horford. Al Horford's huge-ass Dominican dad who'll sit down and stop blocking your view whenever he damn well wants to, shorty. Tito's got a pair of pythons so big they wobble like turkeys on a tightrope when he claps, and shows them off by wearing a sleeveless Al Horford jersey to all the games. Better still: he wears jean shorts in the stands. Just try to mock him for it.
We're not saying he's especially worthy of your rooting--his son is. We're simply suggesting that if Tito Horford is anywhere near you, or even looking directly at the camera while you're watching on the couch, you should cheer for Florida. Even if you don't mean it.
7. Get in on the ground floor of a great conspiracy theory. Basketball fans are the Christiano Ronaldos of the sporting world, forever gripping their leg when a strong gust of wind and calling foul. By forcing the issue with the big men in the middle, Florida's been getting people in foul trouble all tournament long--a boom-armed Ent like Oden will be easy picking for the foul-magnetic Gators. Subsequently, every basketball hater saddened by the early exit of Duke earns a new target: Florida, and how "the refs gave them every call." Glad we could help you out, Buck Nasties of the hardwood.
6. Joakim Noah's mom. Miss Sweden 1978. Sister Yelena's fine, too, but we have no idea how old she is, and will hence declare her off limits. But Miss Sweden 1978, y'all. Skal! She could smell like lutefisk and half of you would still hit it.
Pending age check, sister Yelena is also fine.
5. Corey Brewer. Having Nantz and Packer repeat how poor your family is over and over again must suck for him, but there's a skein of truth to the story: where most of the Gator starting five have NBA pensions, steady family income, or a wacky French tennis star/reggae singer's fortune to lean on (Horford, Green,) Brewer's family's only connection to David Stern's Pensioneers is Brewer himself, who could have bolted for the NBA last year but came back for history and sentiment's sake.
Another year won't hurt his status, of course, especially after the stellar performance he gave against UCLA. And who doesn't like being called "long" on national television? But Brewer didn't have to come back, a testament to someone motivated by something more than loot.
4. Lee Humphrey. He's from Tennessee, and chose Florida. Like Steve Spurrier. Like ourselves. This obviously means he's a freakin' genius bastard, and deserves all of the confetti and ladies' undies you care to throw at him.
Humphrey: obviously a total genius.
3. Billy Donovan's last day as a great coach/first day as a legend. Donovan could ascend to Valhalla with a win tonight and still come out turdeating bastard-dog if he leaves the Florida job for Kentucky thereafter. There's some NBA rumors, too, which would be a lesser crime but possibly dumber after he considers what happens to most college coaches in the NBA--as in Pitino, one of his mentors and perhaps the legendary college/pro coaching conversion. Tonight, you may enjoy what will either be his last night as a Florida saint, or his first night as a walking, well-salaried legend who stayed home. Could go either way.
2. Watching a forty-eight year old man lose a game of basketball. Greg Oden is 48. No birth certificate convinces us otherwise. He may sit on the bench afterwards and cry into Danny Almonte's shoulder while taking Kleenexes from the hand of a consoling Dikembe Mutombo. They're all a combined forty years over their actual estimated birthdays.
1. Joakim Noah. A 6' 11" half French, half Swedish extrovert with an unabiding passion for the game and a freak-boy edge to his aura comes along to liven up college basketball, and all you can do is rag on his au naturel dentition and less-than-attractive face?
Shame on all of you. First, Noah plays hard--damn hard, probably above his natural talent level, and by the numbers above most of those who've faced him. Second, he's not the best looking guy and owns it for a number of reasons: he was born rich, is 6' 11" and probably puts more mileage on the first six inches of his penis than you'll see on your whole johnson. Third, he'll be drafted in the NBA, diddle around for a few years, and live the life of someone who can fly to Nepal, Sydney, Rio, LA, Paris, or Antarctica if he feels like it...all on a whim he got while you were trapped at your cubicle wondering if that last latte put you into overdraft, you stupid, sloppy bastard.
It's obvious why people hate him: he's passionate, odd, and a child of privilege. We'd hate him if he didn't wear a Florida jersey, since he's got all the markers of a classic asshole. This would all be true if Noah wasn't such a nice, goofy, and uniformly outsized personality off the court. He makes ugly faces in pictures with effort for fans; he shows up to Shands to sign basketballs and visit sick kids, and has done so unannounced. He shows his food to whomever wants to take a picture of it, even if he's chewing it at the time. He has to be curtailed at pep rallies from espousing his very, very liberal political views, often discussed while he's wearing a Dr. Seuss top hat or bizarre sunglasses. He's outgoing, genuine, and singular personality.
This is enough to make wallpaper mob folks dislike him on sight, the kind who find black pepper to be "too spicy" for their palate. Joakim Noah can't hide, and not just because he's a heel lift away from being seven feet tall. You can have the PR-safe version of him when he goes pro and takes the NBA's press seminars. For now, Florida fans have the strangest college hoops talent wandering the campus since Bill Walton smoked weed after UCLA games "to calm down" with John Wooden's tacit permission. Treasure the weird while it's local.
Noah: not pretty, but a remarkable beast while he have him.
55 comments
|
0 recs |
Do you like this story?
Comments
All right, dammit! I’ll pull for your fucking big lizards. You got me with Noah’s mom (feels wrong writing that). She’s a definite MILF.
by Mike P. on Apr 2, 2007 4:32 PM EDT reply actions
Reason why I’m cheering for tOSU:
If the Buckeyes win, I win one of my brackets and the $200 plus that goes with that. Sorry Gators…but I guess you can say it’s more than I’m cheering FOR my wallet than AGAINST Florida.
by RaginCajunRebel on Apr 2, 2007 4:37 PM EDT reply actions
Noah may be a goofy-looking bastard, but I have to like him for today’s response to the assertion by Ohio State’s Ron Lewis that Florida was merely a “pretty good” team:
“What a bad person.”
by Doug on Apr 2, 2007 4:39 PM EDT reply actions
OSU’s basketball team is going to look like their football team did at the end of their championship game with Florida.
Bombed out and depleted.
Hopefully I’ll get to hear Noah yell, “I’m rich, bitch!” as he walks off the court with the trophy.
by BDoc on Apr 2, 2007 5:01 PM EDT reply actions
I’d pair up with Noah’s Mom. Get it…pair up…like on Noah’s Ark…
by Cardiac Kids on Apr 2, 2007 5:01 PM EDT reply actions
look
the real reason is just that OSU is a nut.
seriously
who wants to be a nut
by chris on Apr 2, 2007 5:16 PM EDT reply actions
“He makes ugly faces in pictures with effort for fans”
As if he has a choice.
by Amit Patel on Apr 2, 2007 5:24 PM EDT reply actions
Florida Odds ’N Ends Dept:
a) Women Uniforms. This is the first final that both of the Mens teams will be wearing the women’s uniforms. Oden looks really effeminate in his ensemble.
b) Joaquim Noah’s mom is hotter than the daughter. Even if the daughter is over 21, most would hit on the mom first and skip the other one.
c) Althought b-ball is not on par with football, at least in b-ball they get to a champion the right way, with a playoff.
d) Billy fudge-Packer has got to go. First, he says “DUNNuvun”, instead of “DONavan”. Drives me nuts. Then he sounds about as excited as Rosie O’Donnell at a bikini-wax salon during the game.
e) I am going to enjoy a night of sports without a peep about our favorite leperchaun-challenged friends who got bounced in the first round.
f) Albert will rock on during the game. He has quite a bit of TV charisma. Just check out one of my favorite bits from the dastardly ESPN:
by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Apr 2, 2007 5:25 PM EDT reply actions
Re: #10:
In total agreement with SKLM about Billy Packer.
HE. IS. AWFUL.
Also, nice clip from YouTube. RIP Steve.
by Geaux Irish on Apr 2, 2007 5:33 PM EDT reply actions
“Treasure the weird while it’s local.”
If this is original, this is one of the better things I’ve read on the interwebs, and is applicable to a lot more than sports. Nice work.
by now_a_hoo on Apr 2, 2007 5:46 PM EDT reply actions
That’s by far the best defense of Joakim Noah I’ve ever read. Therefore, GO GATORS.
by PeteJayhawk on Apr 2, 2007 5:58 PM EDT reply actions
Well they are lucky nuts, Chris
http://www.luckymojo.com/buckeyes.html
…and by nuts, I do mean testicles.
by Mike P. on Apr 2, 2007 6:05 PM EDT reply actions
Sorry, I gotta stop you right there. If that’s his sister beside his mom, she is a dog. C’mon O, I know the women are finer than that in ATL, you should be spoiled with all the good lookin women around you and you’re callin THAT mutt doable?
by Willy Mac on Apr 2, 2007 6:10 PM EDT reply actions
shameless promotion!
Make tonight’s game more enjoyable and make tomorrow morning’s work a living hell with my March Madness drinking game.
http://houseofheat.blogspot.com/2007/03/i-still-like-ike.html
by Big Jon on Apr 2, 2007 6:13 PM EDT reply actions
so is ugly a recessive gene or is the elder Mr. Noah a troll?
by NDTom on Apr 2, 2007 6:28 PM EDT reply actions
He has troll-like qualities about him. When they played each other, he made Ivan Lendl look like a model.
by Mike P. on Apr 2, 2007 6:39 PM EDT reply actions
I’m picking Florida by 7.
Bill Walton’s so upset that he traded his title game tickets for some weed.
Is Maurice Clarett going to be allowed to watch this game in prison?
This could have been Ryan Appleby’s senior year at Florida but he is watching the game from the U-Dub wondering why he fled out of Gator Country. D’oh! Husky Basketball . . . it sucks like Husky Football.
Will Orson and/or Stranko be at the G-Dome tonight?
by The Duke of Wazzu on Apr 2, 2007 6:49 PM EDT reply actions
What #1 said. If that’s wrong, I don’t want to be right.
by Electrirfried on Apr 2, 2007 6:52 PM EDT reply actions
#17,
Noah’s sis Yelena is a fashion model in Paris. The pic above does not even come remotely close to doing her hotness justice. She is uber-hot.
Here are some links to some pics:
http://66.165.119.245/images/9121/24795/large/003.JPG
http://66.165.119.245/images/9121/24795/large/007.JPG
http://66.165.119.245/images/9121/24795/large/011.JPG
http://stb.msn.com/i//20/7733C21580DE2DAA4F253ECEC4B9.jpg
Maybe exotic looking babes aren’t your cup of tea, but if you think she’s a “dog” then I would recommend you schedule an appointment to an optometrist.
Just saying…
by Chas on Apr 2, 2007 6:56 PM EDT reply actions
Noah’s dad must be one ugly dude to cancel out of his wife’s good looks. He must star in Gieco commercials.
by Travis Swenson on Apr 2, 2007 7:00 PM EDT reply actions
In that case, RCR, just hedge your bet. bet 100 on Florida to win. Either way you’ll make $100, and you can cheer for whoever you want.
by rusty on Apr 2, 2007 7:09 PM EDT reply actions
Noah the Dancer:
Just saw Joaquin Noah dancing on a Youtube video (when Florida won this last SEC championship).
Commentary cannot do justice to this thing…gotta see to believe….
by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Apr 2, 2007 7:22 PM EDT reply actions
Thanks for the laugh, SKLM…as a Gator, I saw it live but I admit I can’t see it enough. Enjoy the weird…
by VOLG on Apr 2, 2007 7:27 PM EDT reply actions
Wait a minute. Joakim Noah is one of the reason’s why we SHOULD root for the Gators?
by Chris on Apr 2, 2007 7:30 PM EDT reply actions
Joaquim Noah, an American Original, via
Cameroon,
France,
Sweden,
New York City,
by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Apr 2, 2007 7:51 PM EDT reply actions
Following the video clip:
“Ah, who can’t get enough of that?”
The proper phrase would’ve been “Ah, who can get enough of that?” as if to suggest that you aren’t able to find anyone who CAN get enough of seeing it. The answer to the first question is, you’d hope, “everyone!” though this is a clumsy way of asking. The latter answer would be “no one!” which is far superior.
LOL – go Gaturz.
by TDS on Apr 2, 2007 9:08 PM EDT reply actions
Wait…has anyone seen Joakim Noah and Sanjaya Malakar in the same place at the same time?
by RIP Logan Young on Apr 2, 2007 10:16 PM EDT reply actions
Question for the board:
As a straight male, is it worth staying up late and then being late for work tomorrow morning just to listen to Billy Packer and Jim Nance give Mike Conley and Greg Oden (OSU) a high-def blowjob?
Maintain a responsbile lifesyle or “Get down with the Sickness”? That is the question….???
Congrats Gators….and War Effin Eagle!
PS…to my Gator buddy Chadd who is stuck in London without coverage of the game: “I’ll call you first thing tomorrow and let you know who won. And I will be pleasuring Sheri later this evening as she awaits your arrival.”
War Eagel, Sepmper Fi, and Geaux Gators……
by kt on Apr 2, 2007 10:57 PM EDT reply actions
Has anyone found Billy Packer’s lips yet? They seem to be imbedded in Greg Oden’s butt.
by Don V on Apr 2, 2007 11:30 PM EDT reply actions
Add another lesbian daughter to the fire.
by SmoothJimmyApollo on Apr 2, 2007 11:35 PM EDT reply actions
Well, well, well. You greedy bastards have another NC. Congratulations.
by Mike P. on Apr 2, 2007 11:43 PM EDT reply actions
#37,
I was actually thinking they could be found on another part of Greg Oden’s anatomy.
by Chas on Apr 2, 2007 11:48 PM EDT reply actions
Here’s to another Angelina Jolie-dating lesbian daughter.
War Damn SEC.
by moocey on Apr 2, 2007 11:49 PM EDT reply actions
Congratulations guys. The Gators hit all the shots the Buckeyes didn’t. Quite an impressive run going down there.
by Jason on Apr 3, 2007 12:14 AM EDT reply actions
How the hell is Thad Matta under 40 years old? What is he, Greg Oden’s twin brother?
Congrats Gators.
by white-boned demon on Apr 3, 2007 12:20 AM EDT reply actions
I swear to God I saw Oden huffing and puffing one time down the floor and muttering to himself, “I’m too old for this shit…”
by dogtown gator on Apr 3, 2007 12:33 AM EDT reply actions
sweet zombie jesus, this is getting out of hand. if it just so happens your baseball team is playing on june 25 it will almost seem anti-climactic at this point.
by kleph on Apr 3, 2007 12:33 AM EDT reply actions
Congratulations Gators. Mighty impressive.
by Cardiac Kids on Apr 3, 2007 12:37 AM EDT reply actions
what the hell is this game called “basketball” and how the hell do these tall weinies get paid any attention… do they use hockey sticks or something?
by futbawl fan on Apr 3, 2007 12:58 AM EDT reply actions
SEC, first by a mile with NCs. Big Ten, running away with the FC.
by drogue on Apr 3, 2007 8:58 AM EDT reply actions
Hey now, Droge!
The Southern schools are Fulmer Cup contenders every year; the difference is that our criminals are fast enough to outrun the cops, who seem to have Big 10 speed.
by Will on Apr 3, 2007 9:31 AM EDT reply actions
I agree 100%. I divorced myself from the Big 10/11 some time ago.
by drogue on Apr 3, 2007 9:37 AM EDT reply actions
Congratulations, Florida. You might soon surpass tOSU’s burning hatred for all things Michigan. Coming soon to a trailer park hopefully not so near you: “Fuck Florida” sweatshirts.
by Dave on Apr 3, 2007 11:35 AM EDT reply actions
I was almost to the point where I could let myself read this blog again. It’s been since Jan. 7 since I’ve checked in. (insert Newman’s speech to Seinfeld about “Some day I’ll get my revenge!”)
by Rob Durham on Apr 5, 2007 3:09 PM EDT reply actions
I love the self-deprication in this piece. I’m an OSU fan, but we can all gather around the water cooler and discuss the fact the Greg Oden is 350-years-old and allegedly eats a live condor (preferably endangered ones) before each game…
by A Logan on Apr 12, 2007 1:02 AM EDT reply actions
By the Way, Joakim Noah isn’t French. He’s half Swedish, half American. He’s asking for French nationality but he ain’t got it for the moment.
by Hachdog on Jun 30, 2007 8:29 AM EDT reply actions
Comments For This Post Are Closed
Secondary Sidebar
User Tools
FanPosts
Community blog posts and discussion.
Certain photos copyright © 2012 by Associated Press or Getty Images. Any commercial use or distribution without the express written consent of Associated Press and Getty Images is strictly prohibited.
