Autumn Thunder makes it clear that they think Alan Branch, Michigan defensive tackle, got very, very serious for his pre-draft training regimen.

Steve Spurrier has the gift of being one of those people that wherever he goes, there he is: a brilliant, cocky, and complete slave to games (most notably football and golf.)

This is what makes him a brilliant choice for any commercial, since wherever you put him, he’s still going to be himself. That’s what made this weekend’s nonstop loop of the Spurrier UnderArmour commercial so completely awesome. Given a wooden script fashioned from the stalest coach speak, Spurrier did what all actors do: he inimitably made it his own.

(Video captured by the Sporting Orange, in case you can’t read. In which case, fuck you, Charlie, because you can’t read this anyway.)

Sure, there’s a whole twenty seconds of homoerotic commercial after that: drills, sweat, sprinting with parachutes, all done guys in tight Underarmour shirts wrestling over superimposed animal sounds (LYCRA FLEX ROOOOAAARRRRGGGHHH!!! They’re like animals!) The ersatz Dr. Dre soundtrack doesn’t help either, since you expect 50 Cent to come in mushmouthing about champagne and his sexual superiority to you at any moment.

Yet the opening performance–visual poetry. Spurrier actually drops the definite article from his greeting–”This is head ball coach.” (more…)

The big board for the week arrives, courtesy of reader Brian. We had to install some new bulbs just to fit Penn State’s score on there…

Penn State like WHOA. Please leave questions, comments, and jeers below.

Matt Grothe, simply earning some extra money as an intrepid, hardworking college student, picked up an unfortunate citation for serving alcohol to an 18 year old during his shift as a bartender at “The Bull Ring,” a Tampa sports bar within puking distance of the USF campus. We had no idea serving 18 year olds any kind of booze was a problem in Tampa, as we’ve seen toddlers doing shots at Dave’s Aqua Lounge out on Gandy before crawling into their Power Wheels and weaving home.

They’re not the only ones, either: Tampa has to lead the world in alternate forms of transport on the road used as a direct result of DUIs. The Barbie Power Wheels Jeep is prime real estate, automotively speaking, for the interlock crowd.

Greg Auman, a journalist who displays some fine blogging fundamentals on his St. Pete Times blog, has the full (and we mean full) story of the Grothe arrest. In summary: it’s no big deal NCAA-wise since athletes are allowed to work as long as they’re properly compensated, and legally it’s no biggie since 18 year olds may work as barkeeps in the state of Florida. (Odd, but true.)

What is troubling for enforcement types is the open possibility of illegal benefits channeled through tips. Anyone who’s ever worked in a bar might recognize this as a real danger; bartenders consistently underreport their tips due to intentional and unintentional bad accounting. In an all-cash economy with few receipts, the potential for cash flowing into player’s hands is endless. Unless they’re serving toddlers–those little bastards tip like cash-strapped Baptists, dammit.

One point for USF for a paltry underage serving charge in the Fulmer Cup. Oh, and one for UGA, too, while we’re clearing house, because Akeem doesn’t want the terrorists to win.

People must fear Dennis Erickson like they fear the plague and fire, because nothing really happens at a program until he leaves. Then, like kicking over a rotten log, everything explodes when he leaves, as evidenced by the sudden outbreak of arrests at the otherwise peaceful, placid Unversity of Idaho.

To wit:

Idaho sophomore defensive tackle Marvin C. Jones Jr. was arrested after he allegedly sold cocaine to undercover police officers, Moscow Police Assistant Chief David Duke said Friday.

He sells coke! Not only does this earn substantial Fulmer Cup points for the Idaho Vandals, it also just garnered a guest slot rapping on a Clipse album. (They sell coke! In case you didn’t know. LOTS OF IT WAMP WAMP WHAT.)

The bigger news is that more arrests could follow in what police describe as “a developing situation.” For the moment, Idaho can pause at three counts of delivery of a controlled substance, each worth three points a piece, with charges undoubtedly pending contingent on how deeply Mr. Jones feels the “no-snitchin’” policy. That’s Moscow up with a snowstorm of nine points! They do cocaine!

Given the fact that Don Erickson is now running game in Tempe, Mr. Jones might want to think long and hard, since the Golf Cart of Doom and Coach Erickson’s Enchanted Beer Coozy can provide him no protection now.

Again: someday Dennis Erickson and a tumbler of scotch are driving into a volcano during the Hula Bowl. It’s just gotta happen.

The NFL Draft is done, and experts now begin the long work of picking apart each team’s successes and failures. One day after most experts do agree on the two biggest surprises of the draft: the Miami Dolphins’ surprise drafting of Ted Ginn Jr., Ohio State wide receiver and kick returner, with the ninth pick of the draft, and Chris Berman’s reach for an unidentified blonde at the ESPNZone Manhattan Afterparty during the sixth round late Saturday night.

“It was an absolute shocker,” said Mel Kiper, Jr, who had Ginn going on the first day but not anywhere close to the top ten. “Cam Cameron thinks he’s getting the best offensive weapon on the board, but that’s a lot to spend for someone who’s basically your number three receiver and is coming in with an ankle injury.”

“And as far as Berman goes…well, that was shocking, too. He’s found better prospects than that in the past.”

Draft analyst Sean Salisbury agreed with Kiper’s assessment. “Miami really reached with that pick. Aside from Michael Griffin’s selection by the Tennessee Titans, it was undoubtedly the reach of the draft. And that chick Berman had on his lap? Like Larry “Bud” Melman with tits. Hey, have I shown you this picture of me on my cell phone?”

Fox Sports Analyst Kevin Landry echoed the shock within all camps regarding Berman’s picks. “I understand that things get a little fuzzy during the sixth round of any party, but that was surprising given Berman’s stellar past track record. She was thick in the lower body in the way you like, and her upper body was strong through the chest. But above the neck she had issues, and not in the way Brandon Meriwether does. A real reach, if you ask me.”

Have a great weekend!

Wait, wait. This is too metal for just any entry. We need…theme music for this update.

The charges in the long-awaited Penn State burglary/break-in/beatdown have come in, and they do not disappoint. The provisional score is simply indescribably large. If it were a tank battle of yore, it would be the battle of Kursk; if it were an ass, it would be the lab-created hybrid of Ki-Toy Johnson’s and Jessica Biel’s; if it were a food, it would be foie gras on toast points with a choice, dusty bottle of Bollinger.

The scores, so complex we had to crack out the rules just to make sure:

Anthony Scirrotto: felony burglary (3 points), felony criminal trespassing (3 points), two counts of criminal solicitation, simple assault (2 points) and harassment. (All misdemeanor charges, we think, totalling four points.)

Scirrotto’s total: eleven points

Chris Baker: felony burglary (3 points), felony criminal trespassing (3 points), simple assault (2 points), criminal mischief, disorderly conduct and harassment. (All misdemeanor, four points in all)

Baker’s total: eleven points.

Justin King, Jerome Hayes, Lydell Sargeant and Tyrell Sales: all charged with criminal trespassing, disorderly conduct and harassment. Misdemeanor total=12 points.

Felony trespassing gets three for being a felony charge, since pretty much any serious felony garners three points.

Holy hell: just back up and look at all that majesty. A single incident earns Penn State thirty-four points, the clear leader in the race for the Fulmer Cup. A score this big will no doubt fluctuate over time, but for the moment, Penn State is Lance Armstrong going up the Alpe d’Huez, and the rest of the field is Jan Ullrich desperately reaching for a vial of epo trying to catch up.

CORRECTION!!! As pointed out by several readers including Prof-fan, we undercounted by missing the felony bit on the four charged with trespassing. NEW TOTAL: 42 POINTS.

It’s…it’s an all-time high. We’re so overwhelmed that only Rita Coolidge can properly express our emotional state right now. (more…)

Mel Kiper Jr., longtime draft expert and ESPN commentator, believes your family provides very little in the way of serious, reliable draft talent.

“I’ve seen ‘em deep, and I’ve seen ‘em come shallow. But your family is among the worst I’ve seen,” said Kiper today in a video conference with you at 9:15 a.m. “It’s just not there, talent-wise. No skill players. No one with team spirit.”

Kiper gave the bigger picks a lookover. His expert breakdown follows.

Mom:

Mel’s Take: Lacks mobility–has lived in same place for thirty years, and “likes it just fine, thank you,” despite the fact that she’s forever falling down the stairs, complaining about the shitty local grocery stores, and the “shhhh…the Mexicans who keep moving in just down the street!” Not a team player, as she hands off the grandkids the instant they start crying and totally didn’t chip in for your college education. Her forty time is dismal.

Dad.

Mel’s Take: Serious character issues have many talking about this former first round pick not even getting drafted on the first day. That’s his Russian mistress in the photo. (more…)

We begin this tale with the facts involving two TCU players cited for misdemeanor weapons charges in Texas. A rent-a-cop named K.D. Willingham, moonlighting from his day job as a Ft. Worth police officer, approached Robert Leandro Henson, 21, and Stephen Eugene Hodge, 19, both players on TCU’s Horned Frogs football team. (HT: Tomek.)

From the superbly named Daily Skiff:

According to the police report, Willingham saw Henson holding a black handgun. Henson handed the gun to Hodge, according to the report, who “raised the firearm into the air and fired several rounds.” Willingham then identified himself as a Fort Worth police officer, pointed a shotgun at Hodge and told him to put the gun down, according to the report.

The conversation had to go something like this.

Henson: Whew, I’m tired, man.
Hodge: Yeah. Beat. Hey, what’s that?
Henson: My new nine. Wanna see it?
Hodge: Sure. (Takes gun) Is it loaded?
Henson: Nah, man. I’m not dumb, right?
Hodge: So I could take it like this and just (BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM)
Officer: FREEZE!!! POLICE!!!
Hodge: Um, you were wrong. That gun was loaded.
Henson: Shit.

Stop hatin’, five-oh. Those bullets go straight into space.

The Horned Frogs are assessed two points for the incident, as this is Texas and wantonly discharging a firearm seems to belong in a class of crimes loosely classified as “party gone out of bounds.” Henson did, however, have three outstanding Class C warrants at the time of his arrest, so perhaps a bonus point for stupidity is in order? Sure. Bonus point plus two for Kenneth Tookes Target Practice = three total for TCU, making their entry into Fulmer Cup 2007.

Addendum: don’t laugh! When frogs and guns meet, people get hurt.

Brought to you by the Latin Billboard Awards in sunny Coral Gables, Florida.

(more…)

The New Radicals of blog features: one permanent member, many revolving pieces.

Texas Gal’s knows how the Shorn Emu sings. Shocking, sad, and underreported news from Notre Dame’s spring scrimmage: Jimmy Clausen shaved his trademark Emu-do. Without the distractions, bourbon warrior Texas Gal focused on the important things: Tom Zbikowski’s Van Damme-esque buttocks.

In case you need a brain enema after that phrase……this will not help at all.

The matchup of cocaine and Jean Claude Van Damme in the prolapse of his career has been as inspired a pairing as Peter O’Toole/scotch, Joe Piscapo/nandralone, and David Lee Roth/rockclimbing. Um…football? Yes, football…

Smrt pepl lke futbaw. Particularly smart Republican ones. Meanwhile, baseball continues its slow death, while NASCAR reigns supreme among people who didn’t graduate high school. Stereotypes: full of vitamin fact!

Tom Dienhart, goin’ robo at work if this is any indication. Cough syrup is a hell of a drug. At least it better be to make someone construct a ranking of coaches where one can construct these inelegant statements:

Jim Grobe>Steve Spurrier
Kirk Ferentz>Urban Meyer
Tom O’Brien>Greg Schiano
Chan Gailey>Phil Fulmer

We hate Phil, but God’s Wounds! Chan? By the Hammer of Thor, we’ve got to break out some seriously exaggerated oaths to encompass how truly silly that list is. Richt at 23, in a job that’s tougher than most people know? Great Rama’s Lingam! Bobby Bowden over Joe Paterno? By the Silvery Feathers of Quetzalcoatl!

Yet another Michigan blog. It’s like you all can read AND use the computer, Wolverines. Literacy, bitches, literacy.

Mike Leach, healer of souls. The best college football blogger in the known universe has the pirate captain on for a bit of soul-healing advice to a reader in the latest installment of “Ask Mike Leach,” re: why his friends who did not attend his awesome, championship tramp of a school aren’t speaking to him.

It could also be they’re avoiding you because you’re an asshole. I was listening to public radio recently while I was mapping the inefficiencies of my local sewer system for my upcoming presentation to the Lubbock City Council, “Optimization of Collection System Maintenance Frequencies and System Performance,” and I heard a story about a guy who suddenly realized all his friends thought he was an asshole.

MIKE LEACH LISTENS TO THIS AMERICAN LIFE!!! Shocking. Too bad they’re ending the series, their long, arduous mission finally accomplished.

Mike Leach: Ira Glass fan, yes, ladykiller, no.

Science verifies reason. It makes marginally more sense to go on defense first in overtime, according to people who work with numbers and stuff. We’re thrilled that the Sabermetrics crew has drifted slowly over to football, a significantly more difficult subject of analysis than baseball. We just can’t wait to see who emerges as the despised Joe Morgan of the antiempirical mob. We’re guessing Mark May, though Bob Davie’s a good guess, too.

A few quick notes from the Fulmer Cup front:

Northwestern gets in on the Big 10 Fulmer Cup rush with a piddling DUI charge for center Trevor Rees, pulled over for weaving and swervin’ in Wilmette like a playa should.

Haters. Next time, Trevor, don’t let them take you alive. (HT: Prof-fan.)

The tease of all Fulmer Cup teases may actually be dropping drawers at last. The Penn State burglary incident involving up to seven players should come to fruition tomorrow, legally speaking at least. According to double top-secret sources, two or three will face serious charges, while up to seven could be charged in all.

Penn State Players involved in burglary: all your brains are belong to him.

This could garner Penn State serious, serious points in the Fulmer Cup. We’d estimate that with three facing serious charges (4 points each?) and four charged with misdemeanors (point each), this puts Penn State in the provisional 16 point range, easily securing second place with the dismissal of a complaint against an unnamed Florida football player earlier this week.

Finally, South Carolina’s Cory Boyd hasn’t been exonerated or charged in an incident at a party allegedly ending with Boyd deciding to see if his handgun worked properly by shooting it in the air during said party. It allegedly worked just fine, frightening the hell out of guests and earning him a visit from the police. Steve Spurrier, conveniently losing his coachspeak manual for the 33rd year in a row, had this to say:

Spurrier said he does not think the players did anything wrong. “But I’ve said that before and (was) proved wrong,” he added. “So I’m not saying it anymore.”

Which he just said. But doesn’t say anymore. I am a liar, I never tell a lie, I am a liar, I never tell a lie…(Android head explodes shortly thereafter…)

Project 119, the effort by one 23-year old lunatic to visit every D-1 college football stadium in America, brings us this silent, moving dispatch from Cincinnati.

College students+open gates+snow=penis shapes. Take that down in your notes, because this is science, dammit. (HT: Da Wiz.)

Freshmen typically don’t make huge dents in their initial year in college football. If they do, they typically enter two career tracks: the Herschel Walker path-strewn-with-rose-petals career track, where children are named after you before you graduate, or the Mike Vick pattern where a spectacular peak in his freshman season dwindling out in a pitter-patter of injuries and unfulfillable expectations. (Not that THAT ended badly for him. He’s still able to afford the finest of chiba, and the elaborate technology required to transport it through airports successfully 99.999% of the time.)

Point is: even if you peak early, you’ll still have a peak. That’s more than most people can say about…well, about their lives, really. And in trying to write your “WOOO freshman who you should watch!!!” column, you’re looking for players who through massive graduation losses, sheer ineptitude by coaching staffs, or dumb luck could have the chance to alter game plans singlehandedly.

They typically tend to be at skill positions like running back, where quick-twitch nothink can get someone very, very far on talent and gall alone. Guile and technique take time, which is why linemen take years of coaching and investment to grow save for the umbrella-handed natural Orlando Paces of the world. There’s a few in there as well, but as you’ll see they’re of the obvious sort. (Hello, Marvin Austin.)

A few of our future Walker/Vick career path selections…

Joe McKnight, RB USC. Potentially horrifying scatback-y type from Louisiana who already fit the USC mold coming in by embroiling himself in a minor recruiting controversy. Allegedly runs a 4.3, allegedly shifty as Juan Pablo Montoya on a road course, and definitely loaded with blue-chip reputation burden. Fortunately for him, so is everyone else at USC, so he’s in good company, even in a packed backfield. Carroll (hearts) freshmen, and could use McKnight as Reggie Bush was used early in his career, making appearances on third down, in the slot, split wide, and hopefully not skeezing a free house off a semi-retarded sports agent under his coach’s nose.

Joe McKnight: elusive, as Les Miles and Ed Orgeron found out the hard way.

Noel Devine, RB WVU. Noted physical freak with academic shortcomings, Devine has qualified at last and is heading to West Virginia. Given the slew of speedy, option-friendly talent already stockpiled there, Devine would seem to have a year of chopping in front of him. Consider that his coach will be Rich Rodriguez, (more…)