God bless bad programming. Without it we would have never had the “double-cross” pick play in Sega’s College Football National Championship, the unstoppable toss-sweep in that game, or Warrick Dunn’s hide-exploding stiffarm in Dreamcast’s NFL 2K. The idea of Dunn stiffarming perfume sales ladies is farfetched. In 2K, however, Dunn could force blast linemen three yards backwards through the air like a shoulder-pad wearing Jedi. “Farfetched” doesn’t cover the first zip code of that territory of the absurd.

A slow news day officially begins when you’ve begun searching YouTube for “NCAA Glitch.” That happened around 3:25 EST, actually. Don’t denigrate that as a waste of time, however: the proper term would be an awesome waste of time, since we found two ghostly glitches recorded by avid researchers of the game.

1. The little-used teleportation button. Would be funnier if the coach came off the sidelines when using vintage Woody Hayes Ohio State teams. But this ain’t bad:

2. Can’t touch this. Also known as the “Tebow” move. We’re not telling you how to do it.

Well, it is Northwestern on defense. It all makes sense now, no?

Mustaches as a sporting accessory peaked in early 20th century baseball, though early 1980s NASCAR gave the national pastime (cough bullshit cough) quite a challenge. If you’ve never seen Dale Jarrett’s donut mop from the period, you’re missing a classic of the genre.

For unironic, modern day ’staches, though, it’s difficult to trump the accomplishments of cricketeers worldwide. A sport encompassing both India and Pakistan is going to have some excellent lip protection going on, but they’re not alone–seemingly every major national cricket team boasts a strong delegate to the Legislature of the Lipcozy.

We salute you, gentlemen. Given how long a cricket match takes, we bet many of these materialized whole during the course of a three-day test match.

Merv Hughes, Australia (retired). Bonus info: Wikipedia describes “Big Merv” as “a notorious consumer of alcohol and food.”

Superb ’stache. Good for filtering gallons of beer through.

(more…)

Yarr.

Some people really do live every week like it’s shark week. Mike Leach, pirate and Texas Tech football coach, sees the winds change, tacks against it, and broadsides the opposition with this news: his crew be needin’ a mighty punter, and they’re willing to use your fancy newspapers to find him. As found in the Daily Toreador, the swashbucklingly named student paper of Texas Tech: (HT:Dave)

Anyone wanting to tryout for the team can start today by calling the Texas Tech Athletic Department and ask for Tech graduate assistant Clay McGuire.

If you’re in the area and would like to try out, that’s (806) 742-4260 and ask for Clay. Sure he’s having a really, really fulfilling day. We weren’t aware Mike Leach actually had a punter, or even used one. However, if he wants to appease critics by carrying one, we’re glad to egg the charade on with him. (We love elaborate charades–see the BCS, or the current subprime lending market for some of our faves.)

Qualifications include:

–Scurvy-free.
–Does bellringing in private.
–Prefers to kick into practice nets as opposed to real-time, in-game situations.
–Extensive wenching experience preferred; basic random sodomy and pillaging, however, is a must.
–Must be a big fan of “brown rain.”

Again, just ring up ol’ Clay there if you think you’re game, swabby. Yarr.

Hello, citizens. Attorney Ken Terwiliger here. Know the picture, because it’s the face of justice and affordable personal injury litigation for most of central Georgia.

Others may just say this, but I’m looking out for you. Really, I am. I’m just waiting for you to come through that door and get your share of the money the NCAA owes you via this huge and very important class action lawsuit we’ve filed against them. (See this leather chair? It squeaks with the sound of affluence. Those books? I’ve read almost some of them.)

Seems someone decided to pay athletes less than they were worth across the board, which is just plain wrong, specifically underpaying exactly 11,500 athletes by precisely $2,500 each* in the delivery of their scholarships. What’s that equal in total? Well, I didn’t major in math, friend, but my sources tell me it’s over FIFTY BILLION** when you work it all out.

Your share could turn injustice into some of the things you’ve undoubtedly dreamed about! A chair made of pure platinum…ringside wrestling tickets…your very own “crib” on the moon… (more…)

What: EDSBS Radio

When: 7:30 p.m.–9:00 p.m. EST THIRTY MINUTES MORE!!!! WOOOOO!!!

We’re really just making more room for Ragin’ Cajun Rebel, but you’re all invited, too.

Where: On the EDSBS channel at Now Live.

How: To call in? (310) 984-7600. You may also register at Now Live and participate in the live chat, where we’ll be taking comments and working them into the broadcast.

Why: Because you could waste time/money/life in a more egregious manner. Actor Eddie Griffin certainly did. That’s a $1.5 million Ferrari Enzo. Total line run: 400. Total now: 399 at best.

Who: Peter Bean of Burnt Orange Nation and Orson from this website, along with special guest Dan Shanoff, late of ESPN/ABC/Disney/Cthulu and Dan Shanoff.com.

To prepare ahead of time, your study list appears below. The theme? Football, Television, and The Media: Topic Following Colon.

The four questions for this week:

1. Identify your favorite television announcer/feature/widget. I.e., something the people who bring you sports get right.

2. Identify something you’d like to see obliterated from the face of television.
Putting the over/under of Mark May references at 12. Taking all bettors.

3. Which non-broadcasting celebrities would make the best and worst color commentators for college football games? We choose Carlos Mencia as worst.

4. Name an antisocial behavior you have fantasies about indulging. Example? Growing really, really long ratty sideburns and combing them in public like an Allman Brother.

Hear you then…

Okay, so Joe Theismann (however the hell you spell it) might, just, possibly, kind of sorta may be looking at calling college football next year now that ESPN’s booted him off Monday Night Football in exchange for St. Jaworski and the Gilded Telestrator of Turin. (God, do we love Ron Jaworski.)

Click here for our reaction. (Thanks, Brian.)

Take a moment. Good. If you vomited, please clean yourself up. If you require medical attention still after this moment of collection, dial 911 and lay prone on the floor with your head tilted to the side. Consider what a good life it’s been, and how you’ll die in the prime of youth without experiencing the cruel indignities of old age.

This actually presents a golden opportunity for you as a fan to experience one of life’s sweetest pleasures: toluene, one of the key ingredients in paint thinner.

Between Thiesmannnn and paint thinner…we choose paint thinner.

If the story pans out, we’re breaking the seal on our unrealized potential as an inhalant addict. Why? Via Wikipedia, the specs on inhalant abuse:

Inhalation of toluene fumes can be intoxicating, but in larger doses nausea-inducing. Chronic or frequent inhalation of toluene over long time periods leads to irreversible brain damage.

Which sounds a lot like the long term side effects of exposure to this: (more…)

Sure, they’re tired of being disrespected. They’re also adept students of the Dan Kendra method of recreational chemistry.

If you’ll remember, Dan Kendra, the Tebow of the ’90s, burned himself fucking around in his home chemistry lab during his stay at Florida State. His knee blew up during spring practice, Chris Weinke took his walker into the starting spot for the ‘Noles, and Kendra switched to fullback.

Kentucky safety Marcus McClinton craves bad mojo, evidently, though he displayed smarts and a lack of manners simultaneously by taking his explodophilia outside.

McClinton was charged with wanton endangerment for setting off homemade explosives. The explosives were made of dry ice that was inserted into bottles of water. McClinton suffered minor injuries to his hand when one bottle exploded in it. Police said McClinton admitted to placing the explosives.

Dry ice–the best stuff in the world in elementary school, though woe to the kid dumb enough to pick it up with his bare hand. (Don’t sweat the pronoun. You know it was a he.) We toyed with it after seeing Val Kilmer bag free sodas out of a Coke machine by slipping quarter-shaped slices of it into the coin slot.

If that’s the pattern here, look for orbital attack lasers to begin vaporizing SEC coaches one at a time as they lounge in their rattan lawn chairs. Urban: seek cover NOW.

One point for Kentucky despite the enviably phrased charge of “wanton endangerment.” If orbital death rays follow, though, they’ll walk away with this thing humming.

On hearing the news that Joe Pa hobbled down to Louisiana to talk to LSU coaches about using a big-armed, possibly thick-skulled quarterback effectively….

Scene: LSU football offices. Located behind LSU’s Sausage Research Center and Chicken Rape Facility, just past the Earl K. Long Institute for the Study of Blooping and Beeping Highway Rest Stop Gaming Devices. Joe Paterno, Penn State Football Coach, walks with cane up to Les Miles door, mopping his brow.

JoePa: Hiya, Les. Joe Paterno here AIIIGHHHH FUCKING JESUS WHAT IS THAT?

Les Miles: Hi, Joe. Never mind him. That’s just an alligator on a leash.

JoePa: That’s not even your mascot.

Les Miles: A tiger on the loose? Please, we’re not crazy down here. (more…)

Posting picks up a-plenty today as soaring temperatures around the nation bring people out of their homes and into the well-furnished jails of our nation.

Georgia. On the board for what we’re forecasting as a point for being pulled in via a “fake ID dragnet” in Athens. Warrants have been issued. Roadbloacks set up. Snipers have been posted. Whatever happens, it still can’t be as embarrassing an offseason for Athens area law enforcement as last year’s Ninjagate. It is early, though–there’s still time for them to pull a Jim Dangle and turn this thing around, dangit.

South Carolina earns no points but provides a cautionary tale of avoiding the fight and subsequent Fulmer Cup Points. From the Sporting News via Chas:

Sorensen, 20, was hit over the head with a beer bottle at a downtown Columbia restaurant Saturday as he turned to walk away from a fight with 25-year-old Christian Ernest Beyer, according to a police report.

Spurrier took his usual sympathetic tone in dealing with the incident:

“He had a little injury downtown,” coach Steve Spurrier said. “Y’all didn’t hear about it?”

We salute Sorensen for walking away from the incident. Even if you manage to stay conscious after getting hit with a beer bottle, the results aren’t pretty or compatible with leisure activities not included in “Chuck ‘The Iceman’ Liddell’s Guide to Fun.” It is compatible with this statement, however: “Tha’s redneck right therr.” We can’t imagine how many souls’ last words heard on this earth are those. We do know how many of them are wearing sleeveless t-shirts–every last single one of ‘em.

Thanks to aspiring graphic designer Brian, we have a scoreboard at last:

Brian’s design received a few more voice votes in the legislature on Friday, trumping the fine work done by reader Peter. (Peter–people just like shiny things! Mmm. Shiny things.)

The scoreboard will hopefully be updated weekly, and will (as requested) feature the Family Feud Theme music on opening.