God bless bad programming. Without it we would have never had the “double-cross” pick play in Sega’s College Football National Championship, the unstoppable toss-sweep in that game, or Warrick Dunn’s hide-exploding stiffarm in Dreamcast’s NFL 2K. The idea of Dunn stiffarming perfume sales ladies is farfetched. In 2K, however, Dunn could force blast linemen three yards backwards through the air like a shoulder-pad wearing Jedi. “Farfetched” doesn’t cover the first zip code of that territory of the absurd.
A slow news day officially begins when you’ve begun searching YouTube for “NCAA Glitch.” That happened around 3:25 EST, actually. Don’t denigrate that as a waste of time, however: the proper term would be an awesome waste of time, since we found two ghostly glitches recorded by avid researchers of the game.
1. The little-used teleportation button. Would be funnier if the coach came off the sidelines when using vintage Woody Hayes Ohio State teams. But this ain’t bad:
2. Can’t touch this. Also known as the “Tebow” move. We’re not telling you how to do it.
Well, it is Northwestern on defense. It all makes sense now, no?
Mustaches as a sporting accessory peaked in early 20th century baseball, though early 1980s NASCAR gave the national pastime (cough bullshit cough) quite a challenge. If you’ve never seen Dale Jarrett’s donut mop from the period, you’re missing a classic of the genre.
For unironic, modern day ’staches, though, it’s difficult to trump the accomplishments of cricketeers worldwide. A sport encompassing both India and Pakistan is going to have some excellent lip protection going on, but they’re not alone–seemingly every major national cricket team boasts a strong delegate to the Legislature of the Lipcozy.
We salute you, gentlemen. Given how long a cricket match takes, we bet many of these materialized whole during the course of a three-day test match.
Merv Hughes, Australia (retired). Bonus info: Wikipedia describes “Big Merv” as “a notorious consumer of alcohol and food.”
Superb ’stache. Good for filtering gallons of beer through.
Some people really do live every week like it’s shark week. Mike Leach, pirate and Texas Tech football coach, sees the winds change, tacks against it, and broadsides the opposition with this news: his crew be needin’ a mighty punter, and they’re willing to use your fancy newspapers to find him. As found in the Daily Toreador, the swashbucklingly named student paper of Texas Tech: (HT:Dave)
Anyone wanting to tryout for the team can start today by calling the Texas Tech Athletic Department and ask for Tech graduate assistant Clay McGuire.
If you’re in the area and would like to try out, that’s (806) 742-4260 and ask for Clay. Sure he’s having a really, really fulfilling day. We weren’t aware Mike Leach actually had a punter, or even used one. However, if he wants to appease critics by carrying one, we’re glad to egg the charade on with him. (We love elaborate charades–see the BCS, or the current subprime lending market for some of our faves.)
Qualifications include:
–Scurvy-free.
–Does bellringing in private.
–Prefers to kick into practice nets as opposed to real-time, in-game situations.
–Extensive wenching experience preferred; basic random sodomy and pillaging, however, is a must.
–Must be a big fan of “brown rain.”
Again, just ring up ol’ Clay there if you think you’re game, swabby. Yarr.
Hello, citizens. Attorney Ken Terwiliger here. Know the picture, because it’s the face of justice and affordable personal injury litigation for most of central Georgia.
Others may just say this, but I’m looking out for you. Really, I am. I’m just waiting for you to come through that door and get your share of the money the NCAA owes you via this huge and very important class action lawsuit we’ve filed against them. (See this leather chair? It squeaks with the sound of affluence. Those books? I’ve read almost some of them.)
Seems someonedecided to pay athletes less than they were worth across the board, which is just plain wrong, specifically underpaying exactly 11,500 athletes by precisely $2,500 each* in the delivery of their scholarships. What’s that equal in total? Well, I didn’t major in math, friend, but my sources tell me it’s over FIFTY BILLION** when you work it all out.
Your share could turn injustice into some of the things you’ve undoubtedly dreamed about! A chair made of pure platinum…ringside wrestling tickets…your very own “crib” on the moon… (more…)
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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