HOW TO TELL IF YOUR COACH HAS CANCER

by Orson on Mar 22, 2007 1:30 PM EDT

Does your coach have cancer? The signs for the average homo clipboardicus with a diagnosed case of cancer differ from that of normal men. Most people with cancer get chemotherapy, a treatment causing pain, nausea, fatigue, hair loss, anemia, weakened immunoresponse, and central nervous system problems. They often take time off work, too.

Coaches, however, display only one symptom of cancer: they announce that they have cancer. The latest to do this is Butch Davis, whose dentist found a disturbing growth in his mouth later identified as a non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. Davis will receive chemo, but insists all will remain normal at his new gig at UNC:

His doctors have suggested he might feel slightly fatigued at the end of treatment but that should have no impact on his participation--as hands-on as ever--in spring practice.

Coaching the Browns would give anyone cancer, we say; Davis has never smoked or done chewing tobacco, considerable accomplishments for a guy from Arkansas. Davis still remains a weeping willow of a man in comparison to Indiana coach Terry Hoeppner, who came back from a brain tumor last season at Indiana while missing only two days of work. That's after having someone drill a hole in his skull, dig around for 12 hours or so, and remove a large chunk of angry, misfiring cell matter from his goddamn brain. As someone who moaned like he'd been stabbed at the diagnosis of "runner's knee," we have no idea how Hoeppner did this, and frankly never want to find out how.

Hoeppner has had a moment of clarity this week, though, announcing he will take spring practice off to tend to health matters. We hope this isn't as ominous as it sounds--the Bloomington papers have certainly hinted at ominousness in the announcement. All the best to both Hoeppner and Davis in their treatment.

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Terry Hoeppner is cooler than shit. I hope all goes well.

by lumpy on Mar 22, 2007 1:34 PM EDT reply actions

Well I’ll be damned, Orson, you lying sack of shit! You said that you had “Blogger’s Knee”…I no longer feel sorry for you!

Get well soon, all coaches battling cancer!

by Aerobab on Mar 22, 2007 2:23 PM EDT reply actions

[Threadjack]
Irrelevant article, but the picture is funny as hell and totally worthy of being posted on this site! “Oregon Dicks”?
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2007/writers/grant_wahl/03/21/five.things.wednesday/index.html
[/Threadjack]

by Aerobab on Mar 22, 2007 2:32 PM EDT reply actions

Aerobab—looks like they already fixed it.

by Orson Swindle on Mar 22, 2007 2:33 PM EDT reply actions

Clint Eastwood (Young, not preachy old Clint) wore a poncho, kicked ass.
Steve McQueen rode a motorcycle into a barbwire fence and drove in the greatest chase scene in movie history, kicked ass.
Samuel L. Jackson just kicks ass.
And then there was Terry Hoeppner, who came back from BRAIN CANCER to nearly lead INDIANA to a bowl game. Terry Hoeppner is the biggest badass of them all.

by Brewster Crew on Mar 22, 2007 2:41 PM EDT reply actions

It was said of Ted Williams, but perhaps we could say it about Terry Hoeppner too?

Terry Hoeppner is the John Wayne that John Wayne wanted to be.

by Kenny on Mar 22, 2007 3:10 PM EDT reply actions

“Aerobab–looks like they already fixed it.”

No, they haven’t. Need be, I’ll email the picture after I leave the jobby-job for the day.

by Aerobab on Mar 22, 2007 3:40 PM EDT reply actions

Um, no detractions from Coach Hep (he is the savior of IU football as far as I am concerned), but just two corrections must be made to the story above:

1. Coach Hep was out for two weeks last fall after his second surgery, not two days (still a short turnaround), and

2. That second surgery did not remove cancerous matter, but just excess scar tissue, or at least that is my understanding.

None of this should detract from the awesomeness of the man. The man came back from brain surgery after two weeks and led Indiana to a road win over [NAME REDACTED] and Illinois and pounded a stake into the hearts of Iowa fans everywhere, then went and drove the final nail into John L. Smith’s coaching coffin at MSU. The man is a golden god. I also think someone should produce a WWTHD? shirt. Or one with Coach Hep “Chuck Norris-style” jokes.

by Cat on Mar 22, 2007 5:42 PM EDT reply actions

Terry Hoeppner defines courage and showed the true indomitable spirit of man this year. No wonder those kids played so hard for him. I also hope the “ominous sounding” things coming out of Bloomington are just our pessimistic and cynical thoughts running rampant, and not actually something really, really bad. Coach, Hoeppner, we’re praying for you.

by Atlantadomer on Mar 23, 2007 10:12 AM EDT reply actions