HAIL TO THE (CON) VICTORS: MICHIGAN ENTERS FULMER CUP

by Orson on Mar 21, 2007 2:13 PM EDT

Michigan enters the Fulmer Cup. Better yet, they did it for no apparent reason, according to the incident report.

Two University of Michigan football players are accused of attacking a fellow student in the West Quad residence hall for no apparent reason on St. Patrick's Day.

Carson Butler, 19, and Christian Richards III, 19, were arraigned today in 15th District Court on one count of aggravated assault and one count of assault and battery each. They were released on $5,000 personal bond and have a pre-trial hearing March 27.

Both Butler and Richards 3.0 already skated on thin ice discipline-wise at Michigan; being overachieving Michigan-types, however, they obviously felt compelled to add to the resume. Lloyd Carr predictably had no comment on the case, preferring instead to grumble, wave his hand dismissively, and go inside where no one would ask him any questions and let him eat his goddamn soup in peace. Michigan authorities say they have no reason to believe alcohol was involved, aside from these factors:

1. It involved college students.

2. It involved college football players.

3. It took place on St. Patrick's Day.

4. It involved people beating other people up for no reason.

Other than that, there's no reason to believe alcohol was involved. Assault and battery, per Fulmer Cup scoring, brings with it big boy points: 3 per charge, in fact.
The misdemeanor aggravated assault charges bring two points each, putting Michigan at a formidable hypothetical score of ten Fulmer Cup points for their debut.

Now just watch someone from Ohio State drive a tank through a nunnery just to show the Wolverines. It'll happen. Just wait.

Won't lose to Michigan in the Fulmer Cup, either: Tressel plots his next move.

UPDATE!!!!: Yost and the Ann Arbor News are reporting that Eugene Germany, the third player suspended for spring, was nicked for weed-related violations. If so, then there's another two points for the Wolverines.

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Comments

I was drunk in Ann Arbor on Saturday, and I didn’t beat anyone up for no apparent reason. I’m sure these boys were just misunderstood.

Nevertheless, I think as punishment they should have to take on Gabe Watson’s car payment.

tOSU players will respond by eating a baby.

by Dave on Mar 21, 2007 2:48 PM EDT reply actions

Orson,

Nice headline. Have you been saving that one or did it just come to you?

by maskedavenger on Mar 21, 2007 2:49 PM EDT reply actions

Some people are just born for certain things. We’re here for cheap jokes.

by Orson Swindle on Mar 21, 2007 2:51 PM EDT reply actions

Too bad this here internet thingy is a recent invention. I would have loved to have seen what you could have done with Shonte People’s (former Michigan safety) who opened fire on the police from his apartment because he thought they were trying to steal his car stereo. Good times.

by maskedavenger on Mar 21, 2007 2:54 PM EDT reply actions

P.S. Someday can we get an edit comment button so that I don’t have to look at my grammar errors/typos in perpetuity?

by maskedavenger on Mar 21, 2007 2:57 PM EDT reply actions

masked,

What, you meant to type “Shonte Person’s”?

by Dave on Mar 21, 2007 3:00 PM EDT reply actions

Why would a Buckeye drive a tank through a whore house? And would he bring a lint brush?

by RaginCajunRebel on Mar 21, 2007 3:00 PM EDT reply actions

Dave,

Thanx allot 4 rubinng salt in mie woonds.

by maskedavenger on Mar 21, 2007 3:05 PM EDT reply actions

Please add more new topics asap. The neked tree huggers have to go away. The Brazilian trim can stay, but Chertof must go.

by drogue on Mar 21, 2007 3:06 PM EDT reply actions

Orson:
Is someone keeping track of the Fulmer Cup yet? If so, we need a page with rankings and all.

by ctgarric on Mar 21, 2007 3:11 PM EDT reply actions

Big Ten taking big early leads.

by drogue on Mar 21, 2007 3:13 PM EDT reply actions

GO BLUE!!!

by Dave on Mar 21, 2007 3:14 PM EDT reply actions

I’m glad you updated that, Orson. Can you imagine the outrage in Ann Arbor if people thought Florida was once again trying to block Michigan from a shot at the title?

by Yost on Mar 21, 2007 3:24 PM EDT reply actions

And the hits just keep coming. More Michigan legal stuff – this probably explains why Germany was suspended:

http://blog.mlive.com/annarbornews/2007/03/michigan_football_player_cited.html

by maskedavenger on Mar 21, 2007 3:28 PM EDT reply actions

I just saw Jim Tressel drive by my house in a deuce-and-a-half with a case of C-4, black pajamas, 3 bottles of Grey Goose and a map of Toledo.

by RedDevilEA on Mar 21, 2007 3:43 PM EDT reply actions

I hate Michigan, for no apparent reason.

by Hook'em Tide on Mar 21, 2007 3:48 PM EDT reply actions

It’s because you’re an Alabama fan. So you hate everything better than you. Which probably explains why you hate everything.

by Y2K on Mar 21, 2007 4:08 PM EDT reply actions

Lloyd Carr: “Tomato soup, grilled cheese, and a weak cup of tea is the best lunch in my book.”

Old guy #1: “He’s right!”

Old guy #2: “I enjoy things I can remember.”

by Orangeblood on Mar 21, 2007 4:14 PM EDT reply actions

The Big 10 is bringing it this year. You better pick up the slack SEC.

by John on Mar 21, 2007 4:30 PM EDT reply actions

Nerds- Marcus Thomas? J. Moss?

Leak wonderlick?

As a Florida grad- you need to 1) come off the soapbox or 2) call it the Urban cup. For Florida cheats with the best of them. Sad to say but it is true.

by Gill Hamper on Mar 21, 2007 4:35 PM EDT reply actions

Another year like this and it will be re-named the Delaney Cup…

by sjs1959 on Mar 21, 2007 4:36 PM EDT reply actions

Is the Pac Ten representin’ yet?

by Matt on Mar 21, 2007 5:02 PM EDT reply actions

It seems to me that you can’t give out points for marijuana possesion in A2.

It’d be like penalizing UNLV because a player was caught gambling, or if Pat White got a $50 fine for burning a couch (while growling, obviously).

by now_a_hoo on Mar 21, 2007 5:13 PM EDT reply actions

How is it that people like #20 can come on this site and not recognize the humor inherent in the articles? Soapbox? Man, I’m glad I don’t have to work near you on a regular basis, wonderful sense of humor you have there

by Jonathan on Mar 21, 2007 5:17 PM EDT reply actions

Pac-10’s not representin yet.

Come on, didn’t you know the Poodle OWNS the cops?

Hence, the Pac10 will never represent because they just buy their way out of all their criminal acts.

By the way, what ever became of the free housing the Bush family was given? Or the free luxury rental accomodations given to USC WRs? or the . . . . etc etc

Heck, they get away with murder. What makes you think USC folk would ever have any criminal problems?

by atepesm on Mar 21, 2007 5:31 PM EDT reply actions

That accounts for two out of three of UM’s “possible, but not probables”.

by PJ from NU in SF on Mar 21, 2007 7:23 PM EDT reply actions

What about this tidbit?

In addition to the charges stemming from Saturday’s incident, Richards has another case pending. He was charged with illegal entry on campus last year. Richards failed to appear for his arraignment on that charge, and a bench warrant had been issued for his arrest.

That’s got to count for some additional pointage. Maybe half credit since it happened last year.

by Mike @ Black Shoe Diaries on Mar 21, 2007 8:57 PM EDT reply actions

Jonathan, it’s people like him who keep us alive. God bless the Schrutes of the world.

by Orson Swindle on Mar 21, 2007 9:35 PM EDT reply actions

“Now that doesn’t mean that Jim is going to become a vampire. Only that he carries the vampiric germ.”

All things through Dwight.

by Y2K on Mar 21, 2007 11:46 PM EDT reply actions

As much as I’d like these ten FC points to stand up, I’m wondering if the fact that all three of these guys were “suspended” for the spring means that they weren’t really on the roster, per FC rules. Certainly they were still on scholarship, though…what say you, Orson, since it’s your Cup to award?

by El Caballo de Sangre on Mar 22, 2007 2:44 AM EDT reply actions

Pac10 doesn’t need to represent…they have all this rolled into one:

They have a rogue football program right in their own backyard – rampant academic fraud, players whose families are paid by agents, a dead player, a coach who thinks a staged suicide jump from a building is hilarious, OJ at practices, players who in their own words “own the police”, “lets get our story straight” recruiting mixups and abysmal graduation rates.

“Welcome to USC”

by Uncle Rico on Mar 22, 2007 3:45 AM EDT reply actions

FWIW neither player is listed on the UM spring practice roster, indicating both are suspended from the team. Sorry if y’all feel that Carr owes you personally a detailed explanation, but he doesn’t.

by db on Mar 22, 2007 11:14 AM EDT reply actions