FIGHT MUSIC: KICK THE STUFFIN' OUT OF 'EM, POLITELY

by Orson on Mar 21, 2007 3:59 PM EDT

An inordinate amount of fight music's been popping up in the inbox lately. Being the resident pepidemiologist of the blogosphere, we categorize, analyze, and then evaluate them based on the logical system of analysis we've created over the past two years of our studies.

Then, of course, we mock them 'till they bleed like Jerry Cooney on blood-thinners.

Kick the stuffin' out of 'em--in an amiable country music kinda way. We're old enough to remember when country could in its own way generate a legitimate air of menace, even when a song sounded cheerful on first listen. "Fightin' Side Of Me" by Merle Haggard? "Country Boys Can Survive" by Hank Williams, Jr? Or, most notoriously in our mind, "Copperhead Road" by Steve Earle, a song that makes us want to set fire to the nearest flammable object not attached to our body? They all have the glower of a dude in tight jeans skunked on gallons of beer ready to put a knockoff Tony Lama in your canines, or at least thankin' about doin' just that.

Totally wants to kick the shit out of you while wearing a silly railroad hat.

Unfortunately, country music is run by total, unremitting pussies, which is why you get Faith Hill instead of Loretta Lynn and Tim McGraw instead of Merle Haggard.

Merle, who's actually been to jail for--oh god this is good--getting drunk with three guys, robbing a restaurant, and then getting caught because they were too shithoused to flee the scene properly. (If that ain't country, you can kiss our ass and David Allen Coe's.) Even burly manheap Toby Keith admits to trimming his pubes--can you see a proper country scoundrel like Willie Nelson doing this? Did you just see that very image in your head? Go lie down for a while, or drive your office stapler through your temple to dull the pain, then.

Anyway, Alabama fan Tony Martin was and presumably is a very, very optimistic man, since he wrote "Back on Top" two years ago in the gloaming of the Mike Shula era. Click here to listen to it, because it's the most genteel WOOOO US song we've ever heard. It's almost as genteel as Mike Shula himself, a man so savage he once ordered the spicy fries from Checkers to prove it.*

And we're gonna be great--
Wait and seeeee...
We're gonna kick the stuffing
Out of Auburn and Tennessee!!!

...and then Alabama went 1-3 against the pair, with only the 31-3 thrashing of Florida at Bryant-Denny to claim in the meantime for substantial wins. See? We mentioned that, because we're fair and have a long memory, and also because we're holding back the tears by dabbing them with the pages of this commemorative National Championship Sports Illustrated. Just don't tell that to Demeco Ryans--we still check the closets for him at night.

The point should be that under no circumstances should Tony Martin be allowed to write a pro-Alabama song ever again given this empirical evidence of its effectiveness. To be fair, he should write an anti-Alabama song just to see if the opposite happens. The song is so gentle, it made us grow breasts listening to it. (Thanks! Whee!) It made us thank our foremothers for their hard sacrifices under unjust patriarchies. It made Colin Firth seem rugged and sensitive simultaneously; it made us consider taking calcium and potassium supplements for our health. It made us cry for all the beauty we don't appreciate in this life. It made us, in short, realize how much of a woman we really could be.

It sounds precisely like the Shula years for Alabama fans, in other words. Saban, on the other hand, should have Alabama fans yearning for red meat, wenches, ill-fitting khakis, and all other things that are man. Like Dethklok, but with red and white pom-poms.

*Sadly, Shula had to back off the devilish spuds after two and give them to Joe Kines, who covered them with thumbtacks and cayenne, downed them, and washed them down with a vial of whiskey and pepper spray. If you don't love Joe Kines you want the terrorists to win.

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You want Alabama gold?

From the guy who brought you Hot, Hot, Hot, and the Ellis T. Jones MVP award, I give you the song that is as timeless as its protagonist. One listen will have you belting it out each time The Tide head into the locker room.

“Beeeeeeaaaaaaar.”

Check this out:

http://www.al.com/alabamafootball/audio/index.ssf?bear.html

by Kenny on Mar 21, 2007 4:09 PM EDT reply actions

A better model for an SEC go us song should be Ray WYlie Hubbard and Jerry Jeff Walker’s “Up Against the Wall Redneck Mother.” 34, drinking in a honky tonk, kicking hippies’ asses and raisin’ hell…

You’re right about kick the stuffin. It belongs with the naked Hippies in Cal Berkley.

by Stephen on Mar 21, 2007 4:10 PM EDT reply actions

See, I’d be embarrased, but I was actually raised in Alabama, so I know that this is just the tip of the iceburg.

And watch the Colin Firth bashing… he’s the only thing left that gets Mrs. Pumpkinhead in the mood anymore. Not sure what I’m going to do when he gets old and starts doing gay indie flicks.

by PeterPumpkinhead on Mar 21, 2007 4:25 PM EDT reply actions

Probably the country music equivalent of B.O.B. would be “A Boy Named Sue.”

by Southern Papa on Mar 21, 2007 4:32 PM EDT reply actions

I hear that when Mike Shula went to Checkers he avoided the left side drive through. He was afraid he might run into Rap Cat.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xr1K2du4nJA

by Kerwin4two on Mar 21, 2007 4:39 PM EDT reply actions

You sir are as correct on this issue as anyone I know. Country music has sucked for years now (Nashville country anyway.) I want to puke every time I hear one of these neo country “super stars” like Kenny Chesney or Brad Paisley (he even has a pussy boy name). I’ll bet that Gretchen Wilson chick could drink both of those pansy boys under the table and then spark up a celebratory joint after Pansley has started barfing into his thousand dollar boots.

by rob_star on Mar 21, 2007 4:41 PM EDT reply actions

Can anyone else corroborate the existence of a song, written sometime during the latter stages of Dennis Franchione’s first (and Independence-Bowl-winning) season with the Crimson Tide, titled “I Been Down So Long, Shreveport Looks Like Up to Me”?

by Doug on Mar 21, 2007 4:46 PM EDT reply actions

3 words rob -

Robert
Earl
Keen

by PeterPumpkinhead on Mar 21, 2007 4:50 PM EDT reply actions

3 more words: Bonnie Prince Billy

And Dave Pajo drinks whiskey out of Bright Eye’s whiny skull

by jon on Mar 21, 2007 4:56 PM EDT reply actions

I said Nashville country. I celebrate Keen’s entire collection as well as Cross Canadian Ragweed, Pat Green, Hank III, Shooter Jennings, Pimpadelic, and many others.

by rob_star on Mar 21, 2007 4:56 PM EDT reply actions

Yes, REK is Austin country, not a nashvillain. Can you say ’Sherry was a waitress, at the only joint in town?"

by Southern Papa on Mar 21, 2007 5:06 PM EDT reply actions

Hank the THIRD!!!

by SmoothJimmyApollo on Mar 21, 2007 5:23 PM EDT reply actions

I am also of the opinion that if I were plowing some buxom Scandinavian wench, and a two-sided axe wielding Nathan Explosion burst through the door screaming, that I would die of a stroke before he ever touched me.

by SmoothJimmyApollo on Mar 21, 2007 5:26 PM EDT reply actions

Rob—along with Robert Earl Keen, may I suggest the following:

Mark David Manders
Cross Canadian Ragweed

Both of these groups are great. Manders is more pure Texas country, while CCR is more Texas Country with a Southern Rock feel, I think. Can’t go wrong with either one.

by RaginCajunRebel on Mar 21, 2007 5:27 PM EDT reply actions

Oops, Rob—I didn’t see you already proclaim your fondness for REKeen and CCR. However, if you live in Texas, you should take the chance to see Mark David Manders live. It’s a great show, and you’ll leave a fan.

by RaginCajunRebel on Mar 21, 2007 5:32 PM EDT reply actions

Good acts. As a guy that was in Austin 3 years, I’d have to say real, hard-ass country/rock comes from way west of “NashVegas.”

No mention of teh rap version of “Sweet Home Alabama” yet? The one w/ the “roll tide”?

by Hook'em Tide on Mar 21, 2007 5:50 PM EDT reply actions

Sweet God, it’s a good thing I love Alabama for Alabama, not for it’s fans…

by Todd on Mar 21, 2007 7:06 PM EDT reply actions

Did an Alabama fan really write that? I always thought it was an Auburn fan making fun, like KeepMikeShula.com. That’s really pretty sad (and representative).

by Duh Duh D on Mar 21, 2007 7:55 PM EDT reply actions

I think most of us Bama musicians have at some point improvised/written a horrible song about how much we love the Tide.

Thankfully, most of us know that we would only bring dishonor and shame upon the school we love if we were to record, much less distribute this song.

The past ten years have been so rough, I even have a friend who wrote a song about loving the Tide, even after a loss. Not many programs can boast a body of work that complex and nuanced.

by bama_buck on Mar 21, 2007 10:32 PM EDT reply actions

Orson, hate to be a stickler, but I believe it was GERRY Cooney. Reading your site as I have (connect through blue gray sky) just thought I would add to the excellence of your blog with a minor correction.

by Pat Grogan on Mar 21, 2007 11:01 PM EDT reply actions

If you don’t love Coach Kines, you do want the terrorist to win…but they won’t cause CK will find a way to stop their little trap…and then fuck them up.

by CapstoneAlum on Mar 21, 2007 11:32 PM EDT reply actions

I’m digging the REK love. I’m waiting for his appearance in Fayettenam. Don’t sleep on Ryan Adams or my namesake for some alt.country

by wilco on Mar 22, 2007 12:34 AM EDT reply actions

I’ll see your REK and CCR (awesomeness all around) and raise you one Chris Knight.

by Because They Can on Mar 22, 2007 6:51 AM EDT reply actions

I didn’t grow up on country music, but it is now my favorite. I know exactly what you are talking about, since just 10 minutes ago in the car to work I turned off the station and lamented that everything is “chick country.” All those stupid songs about feelings and hard working American people that are so manufactured its sad. Pure crap for the most part…I like the “drankin’, fightin’, and partyin’ country.” I think all those nambly pambly (to quote super troopers) songs are for women to play in the car while they drive around sucking down coffee coolatas.

by Brian on Mar 22, 2007 8:28 AM EDT reply actions

hey Brian and others, here is the defenitive list of how country music used to be a billion times better than now, courtesy of Vice Magazine:
http://www.viceland.com/issues/v10n2/htdocs/who.php

by jon on Mar 22, 2007 8:44 AM EDT reply actions

it’d have been nice to know there’d be pictures of breasts on that website considering its my 4th day on the job.

by Brian on Mar 22, 2007 8:59 AM EDT reply actions

All this talk and no mention of Reckless Kelly or the DBTs?

by Mosby on Mar 22, 2007 9:19 AM EDT reply actions

Hey rob… I know you said Nashville, I was just pointing out there are great country artists still out there… you should try Neko Case, too.

by PeterPumpkinhead on Mar 22, 2007 9:48 AM EDT reply actions

We don’t serve beer to people who summon lake trolls.

by irishoutsider on Mar 22, 2007 9:58 AM EDT reply actions

Brian,
sorry about that. I have become way too accustomed to the den of iniquity spawned by Vice to notice the rampant boobs on there.

by jon on Mar 22, 2007 12:50 PM EDT reply actions

I have a masterful collection of good, real country music – Hank Sr and Jr., Conway Twitty, George the Possum Jones, Dolly Parton, Barbara Mandrell, Reba before the stupid TV show, Waylon, Willie, Merle, John Conley (my favorite – talk about songs that make you want to go kick the crap out of someone, then drown yourself in bourbon), and Don Williams.

All Tim McGraw does is make me want to puke – I wish one of the old timers would just show up at one of his concerts and kick the shit out of him, but you know, it’s not really his fault. You know whose fault it is? Eddie Rabbit. He started all this new crap that we have to hear today. Damn you Eddie Rabbit – “I love a rainy night” my ass.

by Atlantadomer on Mar 22, 2007 1:22 PM EDT reply actions