We’ve been told horses will lose ten pounds an hour if they’re not fed on time. Apocryphal or not, that factoid is the very first thing we thought of when we read this:

Digits

42 — Pounds lost in the offseason by redshirt sophomore lineman Derrell Jones, who is listed at 6-foot-2, 320 pounds. Jones has switched from offensive guard to defensive tackle this spring.

Whoa, hamburguesa–that’s some heap’uh beef trimmings right there. Jones came in as a defensive tackle, moved to offensive guard, and is moving back to defensive tackle this spring. The weight loss may seem more drastic than it actually is, since keeping someone at 340 pounds while putting them through calorie-burning drills and weight-lifting is extremely difficult. (340 while sedentary–no problem, Homer.)

This gives Pitt a newly diminutive Jones at 320ish pounds at d-tackle in college football. We really should feel more outrage at the implications of someone so young being forced to seesaw his weight and jeopardize his health like this–we really should. It’s just not good to do this to your body, even with the huge margins men this size deal with when it comes to weight loss.

But when Jones lines up like a huge gold-capped black boulder in the middle of the line, we’ll be right there with the announcers who, rather than editorializing on the subject, will likely circle him with the telestrator and a la Madden go “Now dere’s one big, big dude there.” Nevermind that his kidneys are failing. That’ll come after he gets drafted. Then he can buy new ones and stockpile them in a freezer for old age, right next to the pile of replacement knees and pig valves for his heart.


Harder Better Fatter Stronger?