PUNCHOUT 64: DETERMINE OUR BRACKETS
Given the relative lack of activity in the college football world, we have to make our own fun now at EDSBS. And since Bracketology has become the science of the masses, we’ll kill some offseason time in grand fashion with our own version of March Madness that will likely stretch well into April.
We’re calling it Punchout 64. Nominations are open today. The only criteria for an entrant would be a deep, unabiding yen to punch the person in the face repeatedly for the sports sins they’ve committed against you and humanity as a whole. We’d prefer nominations to stay somewhat college football-related; however, we will accept special nominations on a case by case basis. Like David Schwimmer as Ross from Friends, for example. We’d hit him in the face with a backhoe if we could.
Edit: backhoe might not be brutal enough.
A few starters from our end:
Darnell Dockett. The shitbag who injured Earnest Graham by twisting his knee in a pile during his time at Florida State. Also attempted to stomp on Rex Grossman’s hand. When he is killed by an asteroid of frozen feces fallen from a passing airliner, we will nod knowingly and thank Baby Jesus.
Darnell Dockett: shitbag for life.
Chris Berman. Proof that repetition is the greatest torture of all. If you punched him, though, you’d get your hand all pancakey with bronzer, makeup, and schmear leftover from his breakfast.
[NAME REDACTED] Would be sure to tell him how much he’s “improved” while doing it.
Gary Barnett. Has already been done by life in general…but what’s wrong with a little gravy?
Bobby Bowden. Now. Ten years ago. In fifteen years, when he’s 138 and lying all tubed-up and seconds from death. As an infant. A longtime punch-lister for us, no matter the vintage or unfair situation. We just want the chance.
Jim Delany. With our SEC degree we would probably misidentify the parts of the body and punch him straight in the chest, since we sometimes mix up simple words like “face” and “sternum.” Whatever. Being the Big Ten commissioner, he wouldn’t be fast enough to block us even if we did.
Too slow to block us.
Family Guy. Anyone associated with it, really. We hate Family Guy. It’s The Simpsons for people exposed to high levels of lead in youth. South Park did more to eviscerate the show than we ever could, but we can summarize our dislike of the show by saying that the entire state of Rhode Island–all seven blocks of it–could make it into our bracket simply for being the setting for the show. Remember that time you did a segue involving Yassir Arafat making pancakes for (insert moldy cultural reference here.)? And then punched Lois? Nope.
Shishipangma. Fucking mountain killed our hero Alex Lowe. Die, Shishipangma. All 8, 013 hateful meters of you.
You killed Alex Lowe–you bastard!
Leave your own nominations below. Don’t be shy–we need 64 of the bastards.
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