As sensational as the story is, the only disciplinary action coming (heh) out of the Cincinnati gangbang case involving current Bearcat players and a former female soccer player (heh, misplaced modifier) whose group sex ended up on tape will be a student conduct violation for one player, suspended for one game by the Bearcats. This concludes Cincinnati’s investigation of the incident, though we’re sure others in student dorms will continue “investigating” the tapes for years to come. (heh.)

You thought this was going to be the actual tape, didn’t you? You dirty, sick person. We couldn’t find one, actually, despite looking and asking around for one. However, we can offer up things we think WKRP could stand for in this case: We Kings of Random Penetration, perhaps?

The player, one of many [NAME REDACTED]s in the article, claimed the sex was simply between himself and the woman mentioned in the case, something that without breaking the laws of physics was clearly untrue given the evidence the committee had. His own accounts of the evening contradicted other testimony gathered during the investigation. Sadly, testimony will not be made public, so we’ll have to present our own EDSBS: True Athletic Disciplinary Committee Transcript Simulation below.

Student: Then I finished with a Houston Oiler, and we were done with the sex.

Investigator: You don’t recall a Juicy Cowboy at one point, administered by Mr. Y?

Student: No, I’m pretty sure I’d remember that.

Investigator: And a Dutch Oven, executed by Messrs. Q and R around 11:15.

Student: Naw, I wouldn’t do that to a lady.

Investigator: At 11:57, however, you pull off a perfect Kamikaze Kissoff. Isn’t that merely a more complex version of the Dutch Oven, sir?

Student: To the untrained eye…perhaps.

Investigator: And the glass-bottomed boat at 1:16? Isn’t that your teammate Mr. X clearly serving as the assistant here?

Student: I have no comment on that incident.

Investigator: The Smoky Tornado at 12:30?

Student: Again, I cannot recall that.

Investigator: The Unfortunate Scullery Maid at 12:44?

Student: No comment.

Investigator: The Starbury Quick-step at 1:02, sir? Surely you remember that?

Student: I have no recollection of that.

Investigator: And finally, the Serengeti Confetti maneuver at 1:36, involving you, Messrs. R through X? Again, no memory of that? Despite what we can see with our own eyes here?

Student: No, no, I certainly remember that. That shit was awesome.