CINCINNATI SUSPENDS FOOTBALL PLAYER IN "EIGHT-MAN-WEAVE" CASE.
by Orson on Mar 12, 2007 10:50 AM EDT
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PrintAs sensational as the story is, the only disciplinary action coming (heh) out of the Cincinnati gangbang case involving current Bearcat players and a former female soccer player (heh, misplaced modifier) whose group sex ended up on tape will be a student conduct violation for one player, suspended for one game by the Bearcats. This concludes Cincinnati's investigation of the incident, though we're sure others in student dorms will continue "investigating" the tapes for years to come. (heh.)
You thought this was going to be the actual tape, didn't you? You dirty, sick person. We couldn't find one, actually, despite looking and asking around for one. However, we can offer up things we think WKRP could stand for in this case: We Kings of Random Penetration, perhaps?
The player, one of many [NAME REDACTED]s in the article, claimed the sex was simply between himself and the woman mentioned in the case, something that without breaking the laws of physics was clearly untrue given the evidence the committee had. His own accounts of the evening contradicted other testimony gathered during the investigation. Sadly, testimony will not be made public, so we'll have to present our own EDSBS: True Athletic Disciplinary Committee Transcript Simulation below.
Student: Then I finished with a Houston Oiler, and we were done with the sex.
Investigator: You don't recall a Juicy Cowboy at one point, administered by Mr. Y?
Student: No, I'm pretty sure I'd remember that.
Investigator: And a Dutch Oven, executed by Messrs. Q and R around 11:15.
Student: Naw, I wouldn't do that to a lady.
Investigator: At 11:57, however, you pull off a perfect Kamikaze Kissoff. Isn't that merely a more complex version of the Dutch Oven, sir?
Student: To the untrained eye...perhaps.
Investigator: And the glass-bottomed boat at 1:16? Isn't that your teammate Mr. X clearly serving as the assistant here?
Student: I have no comment on that incident.
Investigator: The Smoky Tornado at 12:30?
Student: Again, I cannot recall that.
Investigator: The Unfortunate Scullery Maid at 12:44?
Student: No comment.
Investigator: The Starbury Quick-step at 1:02, sir? Surely you remember that?
Student: I have no recollection of that.
Investigator: And finally, the Serengeti Confetti maneuver at 1:36, involving you, Messrs. R through X? Again, no memory of that? Despite what we can see with our own eyes here?
Student: No, no, I certainly remember that. That shit was awesome.
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No mention of a “Rear Admiral”, a “Topeka Destroyer”, or a “Rusty Trombone”? Sounds like some kids having a harmless good time.
by Hook'em Tide on Mar 12, 2007 11:05 AM EDT reply actions
I’ve always been a fan of the Davey Crockett, where you slip muscle relaxants into your gal’s snizzpod, then slide your head in, thus wearing your partner’s now-relaxed snatch-fur as a coonskin cap.
Comes in handy on those cold winter nights.
by mark on Mar 12, 2007 11:17 AM EDT reply actions
I’m almost afraid to google any of those, I’m afraid they’ll come up under the heading of “Things you can’t unsee for $1000, Alex.”
by Mark on Mar 12, 2007 11:22 AM EDT reply actions
Hell, and I always thought a Dutch Oven was when you farted, then pulled the covers over your wife/girlfriend/whatever’s head.
by Albino Tornado on Mar 12, 2007 11:47 AM EDT reply actions
Don’t forget the ‘Modified Possum Lock’ maneuver.
by drogue on Mar 12, 2007 11:57 AM EDT reply actions
As long as he didn’t give her the Cleveland Steamer or the Dirty Sanchez, I don’t see what anybody’s complaining about.
by Steve on Mar 12, 2007 12:02 PM EDT reply actions
That was educational. I can only imagine what the guys in Reston and Bangalore who monitor our web traffic must be thinking after that battery of google searches.
And here was me thinking that the best part of taking a dump is the guaranteed peace and quiet as the wife and children run for the hills.
by DC Trojan on Mar 12, 2007 12:10 PM EDT reply actions
You guys are so immature. Life is not just butthole pleasures. It’s not about butthole pleasures at all.
by panhandler on Mar 12, 2007 12:14 PM EDT reply actions
They probably used the Lee Corso Slo Jam as a soundtrack on the video.
by Smyth on Mar 12, 2007 12:38 PM EDT reply actions
That’s almost scary — I just got done sending an e-mail to a friend of mine having to explain what the Cleveland Steamer, Cincinnati Bowtie, Detroit High-Five, and Toledo Blindfold are.
Just out of curiosity, why are these things always named after Great Lakes/upper Midwest region cities? You sure don’t ever hear about the “Memphis Cummerbund” or the “Tacoma Tango” or the “New Haven Triple-Reverse Anklegrabber” or anything like that.
by Doug on Mar 12, 2007 12:48 PM EDT reply actions
Does anyone know whether the Starbury Quick-Step was named for Stephon, or vice versa? (And if so, how do you know?)
by Devin McCullen on Mar 12, 2007 12:52 PM EDT reply actions
Memo to staff:
Do NOT Google any of the “techniques” mentioned herein.
Shouldn’t this whole series be NSFW?
by BamaTaxMan on Mar 12, 2007 1:27 PM EDT reply actions
Doug, you’re right, even the Wisconsin One-Way Window follows that trend. I won’t describe it fully, but it involves plastic wrap and defecation.
by Mark on Mar 12, 2007 1:34 PM EDT reply actions
The “Back Alley” Sally?
My wife is a poor sheltered soul. I’ve had to explain what ZZ Top’s Pearl Necklace meant. Dirty Sanchez was another fun conversation when it came to the Screech sex tape.
by Mike P. on Mar 12, 2007 1:49 PM EDT reply actions
EDSBS is the fifth search result when you look for Juicy Cowboy…
by jfinke on Mar 12, 2007 2:02 PM EDT reply actions
It frankly took me a couple seconds on “Serengeti Confetti.” Then I recalled a porn site I saw someone told me about.
by Newspaper Hack on Mar 12, 2007 4:21 PM EDT reply actions
That “I saw” was supposed to have a strikethrough to, you know, bolster the funny. Damn HTML.
by Newspaper Hack on Mar 12, 2007 4:22 PM EDT reply actions
and in a follow-up…how about a nice canadian ox-cart?
by kbjarvis on Mar 12, 2007 6:32 PM EDT reply actions
More in the category of sexual gamesmanship than depraved acts, I nominate “The Rodeo”. Start with your standard rear entry position, but coitus must be sustained for 8 seconds after you yell “Rodeo!” and as many friends as will fit in your closet come spilling out to watch.
by Dave on Mar 12, 2007 8:06 PM EDT reply actions
Eh, my tastes run more toward the traditional — give me the classics, like the Donkey Punch or the Mushroom Tattoo.
by Doug on Mar 12, 2007 8:31 PM EDT reply actions
I always thought the “Rodeo” was when you leaned over and called out the name of her best friend/sister/mother- and then tried to hang on for the full 8 seconds. (the mother part is only for very experienced riders)
by Mr. Wrong on Mar 13, 2007 2:06 PM EDT reply actions
Wait a second, [NAME REDACTED] not only coaches at Illinois but he now plays at Cincinnati!?!
AGH
by Wazzu Coug on Mar 13, 2007 2:11 PM EDT reply actions
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