UPSTATE. upstate. UPSTATE. upstate? UPSTATE.
With college football now firmly in the pre-spring practice doldrums, everyone’s watching basketball, a sport played indoors by men who are either completely gay, or totally homophobic. The wonders that must occur in those lockerrooms!
Basketball: a safe place for men of all preferences. Especially Tim.
We’ll confess that we’re so basketball averse we didn’t even watch the national title game last year. The game. With Florida. The national title one. That’s how little we care about squeaky shoes, fourteen thousand timeouts, and a sport where Duke can succeed with consistency across three decades.
However, interest in quality theme music prevails, though, and we may have a team to follow besides Florida and their misunderstood Ugly Betty of a forward, Joakim Noah: South Carolina-Upstate. Their homemade theme song samples NBA Jams, the greatest basketball video game ever, whch merits mention and subsequent digression below concerning the video game prowess of Rony Seikaly.
(Rony Seikaly could bury half-courters blindfolded in that game. Under the coordinated twitching of Cuddles Swindle’s fingers, he’d spend half the game “on fire” and raining hell down on my poor Golden State Warriors Tim Mitch Richmond and Chris Mullin. Even cheat code Bill Clinton couldn’t extinguish the ouzo-fueled fire of Seikaly, who in retirement took up the hobby of fucking every model he could get his hands on in South Beach while, in our imagination at least, hearing the trademark dialogue from NBA Jam in his head while flawlessly executing the Havana Banana on a Peruvian car model: “he’s on fire!!!”)
Rony Seikaly: unstoppable three-shooter and supermodel-fucker.
We digress. The thesis of the following piece: Upstate. Upstate? Upstate. UPSTATE. (HT: Troy.)
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Bright Eyes has a song called “you will? you? will. you? will. you? will.”
Comment by akijikan — March 11, 2007 @ 7:19 am
24
In my neck of the woods every kid’s initial NBA Jam experience went like this:
“Hey cool I’m gonna be Chicago, gotta get Michael Jor…WHO THE HELL IS THAT GUY WITH THE GOGGLES NEXT TO SCOTTIE PIPPEN?” Poor Horace.
Comment by Gator KK — March 10, 2007 @ 4:44 pm
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Al Gore was solid in the post (gratuitous rim-shot).
USC-Upstate has only been around for a little while, actually. It was USC-Spartanburg, but then they merged that campus with USC-Aiken, and we got satellite campus synergy.
BTW — anybody else still have their heads up the ass of NCAA ‘07? That fucking game has fight songs running in my head at all times. And to get extra-nerdy, I made up teams of my newspaper, my friend’s alt-weekly and several other papers between Virginia and South Carolina and imported them into the Sun Belt. I can say this — the Washington Post plays a tough game, and the Charlotte Observer’s blue turf makes me nauseous. And the Richmond Times-Dispatch not only looks like the Raiders, they play like them too (circa 1970s) — dirrrrrrrty.
And who’s my coach? Hunter Thompson, natch.
Comment by Newspaper Hack — March 10, 2007 @ 1:28 pm
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This was a pretty funny post by a michigan fan.
http://ghostsofwaynefontes.blogspot.com/2007/03/no-more-tears-now-i-will-think-about.html#links
Comment by RonMexico — March 9, 2007 @ 5:08 pm
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I could be mistaken, but Orson might’ve been making a reference to former Nascar driver Tim Richmond who died of AIDS sometime in the 80’s or early 90’s. Also allegedly gay.
Comment by PW — March 9, 2007 @ 4:01 pm