UPSTATE. upstate. UPSTATE. upstate? UPSTATE.

With college football now firmly in the pre-spring practice doldrums, everyone's watching basketball, a sport played indoors by men who are either completely gay, or totally homophobic. The wonders that must occur in those lockerrooms!


Basketball: a safe place for men of all preferences. Especially Tim.

We'll confess that we're so basketball averse we didn't even watch the national title game last year. The game. With Florida. The national title one. That's how little we care about squeaky shoes, fourteen thousand timeouts, and a sport where Duke can succeed with consistency across three decades.

However, interest in quality theme music prevails, though, and we may have a team to follow besides Florida and their misunderstood Ugly Betty of a forward, Joakim Noah: South Carolina-Upstate. Their homemade theme song samples NBA Jams, the greatest basketball video game ever, whch merits mention and subsequent digression below concerning the video game prowess of Rony Seikaly.

(Rony Seikaly could bury half-courters blindfolded in that game. Under the coordinated twitching of Cuddles Swindle's fingers, he'd spend half the game "on fire" and raining hell down on my poor Golden State Warriors Tim Mitch Richmond and Chris Mullin. Even cheat code Bill Clinton couldn't extinguish the ouzo-fueled fire of Seikaly, who in retirement took up the hobby of fucking every model he could get his hands on in South Beach while, in our imagination at least, hearing the trademark dialogue from NBA Jam in his head while flawlessly executing the Havana Banana on a Peruvian car model: "he's on fire!!!")


Rony Seikaly: unstoppable three-shooter and supermodel-fucker.

We digress. The thesis of the following piece: Upstate. Upstate? Upstate. UPSTATE. (HT: Troy.)

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