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Around SBN: Are The Orioles Bad Or Unlucky With Their Young Pitching?

T. BOONE PICKENS BETS ON DEATH, SWEET DEATH.

STILLWATER, OK--Coming off the revolutionary step of investing in life insurance as a form of university fundraising, T. Boone Pickens announced today the next step in Oklahoma State's radical restructuring of their financial plan: a futures fund hedging on the anticipated life expectancy of wealthy alums often reckless and cash-rich offspring.

"I wouldn't call it a death pool, exactly," said Pickens in a press conference. "It's just another way of capitalizing existing unexploited risk."


Unexploited risk. Most definitely NOT a dead pool.

The fund will hedge bets on the life expectancy of heirs to some of the wealthiest fiefdoms associated with collegiate sports. Investors will be allowed to bet against forecasted life expectancies, with fund managers attempting to maximize profit with savvy betting.

"It ain't gambling if you can see the cards, right?" said fund manager Don Lablanc from his office on Monday. "T. Boone's proving himself to be an innovator here, and a clinical one, too. In fact, we're betting heavily on his son Michael to ditch it here in the next few years or so, and I'll let you in on a little secret: we've got one very important client whose name might rhyme with "Loon" who's betting our side, too."

All profit generated by the fund will go into the Oklahoma State athletic budget. An example of the prominent "investments" the fund is looking at include:

Conchita Mercedes Suarez Mitchell. Considered the brightest fund prospect, Mitchell hails from a distant branch of a Florida booster's agricultural dynasty long devoted to Florida athletics. Via a tragic hot air balloon accident, Mitchell became the sole claimant to a $65 million claim of prime sugarcane territory in Florida at the age of 16. Immediately selling the land to private interests, Conchita announced her intentions to "fucking party until I fucking die ROCK." She has spent the majority of the last three years in and out of rehab, and has dated Colin Farrell, Tom Sizemore, a notorious Miami drug dealer known only as "Changdo."


Dated Changdo, y'all.

"We're amazed she's lasted this long," said Lablanc. "We thought a double date with Michael Irvin and Kyle Orton would do her in during the Super Bowl this year, but she put Irvin out cold with the pace she set. Thankfully, she always carries a huge vial of adrenaline wherever she goes, or the Playmaker would have been put on the DL forever. Orton, however, died during the course of the evening."

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Colin Farrell to Tom Sizemore?

I’m sure Adam,the gay college football fan(not that there is anything wrong with it), would tell you she’s going from the penthouse to the outhouse on that one. As for the drug dealer, maybe she’s fufilling some Elvira Hancock – Frank Lopez/Tony Montana fantasy.

I dated the chick that sold weed to everyone in school. It saved me the trouble of buying it. My motto was I’d shag for swag.

by Cool Hand Mike on Mar 2, 2007 2:38 PM EST reply actions  

This is random.

by Brian on Mar 2, 2007 2:43 PM EST reply actions  

It’s Friday. You get random.

Just be thankful we didn’t write another chapter in the Beano Cook Vengeance Saga.

by Orson Swindle on Mar 2, 2007 3:05 PM EST reply actions  

Yeah, but reading about Mitchell meeting Beano in Bangkok discuss faking death and raking in cash on the hedge fund all the while catching a donkey show would have made working on this awesome freaking day more enjoyable.

by Out of Conference on Mar 2, 2007 3:30 PM EST reply actions  

Perhaps we need more Beano, then.

Holy hell, DG. We thought we were writing fiction.

by Orson Swindle on Mar 2, 2007 3:32 PM EST reply actions  

The joke is still funny, though.

by DevilGrad on Mar 2, 2007 3:48 PM EST reply actions  

Continuing on random Friday, it looks like we have another role to add to “Las Cronicas Locas de Boss Hawg”…David “Bee Man” Lee…Here’s some quotes from this “story”

"I love the Wildcat. My brain could go Wildcat nuts this spring," Lee said.

 "If you guys ever watch pro football, that’s what it’s going to be."

http://www.nwanews.com/adg/Sports/183342/

Now let’s all go Wildcat nuts.

by Do_the_Bender on Mar 2, 2007 3:57 PM EST reply actions  

Honestly it was only random because I excpeted there to be about 3 more vinettes on rich guy roulette…when can we except those? Surely there are more in the works.

by Brian on Mar 2, 2007 4:27 PM EST reply actions  

OSU has this life insurance policy now where they will profit from deaths? How do they not have the Orgeron as their coach, he would pay for his contract in the first 5 minutes.

by Nick on Mar 2, 2007 4:41 PM EST reply actions  

Um, Orson, where did you get that picture of the girl? It looks remarkably like one of a girl I know taken at a party at my house last St. Patrick’s Day. I really hope it is, but that’s just crazy talk.

by AllWhoYonder on Mar 5, 2007 10:33 AM EST reply actions  

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