EXIT POLLING: COMPLETELY UNSCIENTIFIC FREE ADVICE FOR DRAFTNIKS

by Orson on Mar 2, 2007 10:50 AM EST

Nonstories make up the content in between large sport seasons. When a ship as big as the NFL sails over the horizon for the offseason, media types will surf rather successfully on its wake for at least a month or two. The biggest of those waves is the completely invented (and admittedly ingenious) microeconomy of the draft.

Mel Kiper Jr. and company have created a Hanukkah for football faithful, stretching the oil of what amounts to football's human resources department meeting across damn near a month of what used to be sad, empty space. Bowling. NASCAR. Bowling combined with NASCAR. (Which doesn't exist, mostly due to the drastically reduced life expectancy resulting from bowling balls ping-ponging around a banked oval thick with 200 mph cars.)

Mel charges for his services, and uses hair gel. We take the Young Einstein route, and provide our completely unscientific services for free in helping NFL draftniks check references for players exiting the college sphere who we like, have seen play, and think stand a chance in the unpredictable, quizzical world of NFL prospecting.

We tried to stick to guys we'd seen, assessed with all of at least twenty minutes of television watching, and then judged as completely awesome and/or suitable for pro life.

First installment: the yays.

Yays:

Jamarcus Russell. Quarterback in the NFL, once a proud, swashbuckling position, now consists of two important roles: not fumbling, and not dying. We promise you, collected minds of the NFL, that Jamarcus Russell most definitely will not die. He's the size of a Yeti and twice as fast, meaning that the Shawn Merrimans of the world will get some of that kinetic energy tossed unpleasantly back at them when they line up to sack him. Jamarcus has even demonstrated his readiness to absorb punishment by showing up ten pounds overweight to camp, thoughtfully protecting his titanium ribs with a fleshvest of gumbo and red beans and rice.

53 Yards after spinning twice.

He can also throw the ball seventy yards easy, isn't dumb, and will probably not wake up face first in a pool of vomit in Pac Man Jones apartment wondering why he's covered in dollar bills and shame. He fumbles like crazy and will throw brain-seizure interceptions, but put in a system where he's asked to do next to nothing (see every NFL team save the Colts) but throw slants, screens, curls, and hand the ball off, and he'll make a fine, nigh-indestructible clockwork orange of a quarterback. That's all most pro teams want anyway.

Calvin Johnson Hands. 4.35. Huge size. Work ethic doesn't properly describe his discipline, and balletic doesn't describe his ability to adjust to balls in mid-air. Character concerns: zilch. Intelligence: there. There should be something funny to type about Calvin Johnson, but aside from exaggerating his goodness and mentioning his cruel fate as the patient meatball surgeon Reggie Ball cut to ribbons at Georgia Tech, but there isn't. People love him. Pets adore him. Birds of prey respect him. Take him if you have the chance at any spot, any time.

Name a better wideout, and you are a liar, sir/madam.

Reggie Nelson Ed Reed was the last DB we remember with the ability to light an entire defense's hair on fire with his mere presence. Nelson has the same kind of demolitions expert presence: anywhere in a football game where a bomb should go off and blow up something, he's it. Ran slow at the combine, and lacks prototypical size, but coverage brains and NFL training methods (Viva Mexican pharma!) should take care of that. A workaholic for football and someone who takes great delight in hitting people and hurting them, which is something you can make a lot of money doing in the United States of America.

Allan Branch Huge and mean as fucking hell. Like maiming people mean. Like cheap-shotting, flag-earning late hit, dog-kicking, get-off-my-lawn mean. We're not saying he's dirty; just completely to the bone saturated in meanness. He's fat in the right way, eats up multiple blockers, and when given a chance likes to take smaller people, pick them up, and drive them into the ground until something perforates, snaps, pops, or does variations of all three. Hasn't wowed at the combine, but fuck that--have you seen him hit someone? It's almost not fun watching it happen. Almost.

Buster Davis. Dismissed by metrics whores at the draft as a slow midget, but reminds us of London Fletcher, the mighty mite linebacker for the Super Bowl rams. We always thought he looked like a Gamorrean Guard: short legs, disproportionately long arms, a sausagey body, and a dervish's gait. Hitting=yay! for him. Don't blow a high pick on him because you won't have to; he's terribly undervalued, though, and would at the least be a ball-cracker on special teams. He's got Patriots pick written all over him. Special bonus: FSU talent without character issues!

Samson Satele, Hawaii. Hey, he's Hawaiian and plays offensive line. We'd stock our lines with nothing but Polynesia's finest if given the option. It would give us the excuse to bring the haka to the NFL, enjoying it for a year prior to its inevitable banning by the league. Satele was a blast to watch on late night ESPN games, and has the nimble hippo-thing going on that makes offensive lineman all gushy and warm inside. Did we mention he's Hawaiian? And that his name is fucking Samson?

Brady Quinn, Notre Dame. An inevitable dynamic kicks in here: Quinn sucked/offensive line ok, or if you think Quinn can succeed, you say Quinn was fine/offensive line sucked. We fall into category two here, since Quinn was, at one point in his collegiate career, a very good quarterback. That "very good" phase ended with the Michigan game when his line was overrun by blue-clad shocktroopers (see Mr. Branch above) and Quinn spent the rest of the season running for his life and doing his best Sexy Rexy impression, going Sex Cannon whenever he felt pressure. Thus, Yakety Sax, but this time watch his line, too--they're equally deplorable.

But pro quarterbacks only have to do two things in most systems: not die, and not fumble. Quinn, who benched like an offensive lineman at the combine and is the official boi of choice for the gay college football fan, can take a hit. In fact, he can take hundreds of them at close range with running starts, if Notre Dame's offense gives any indication of his durability.

He is capable of Benny Hill follies, however, and must be trained to be the perfect robot NFL quarterbacks must become to survive. The word "Gruden" keeps popping up in association with Quinn, which would make him comfortable, we suppose. He's used to having no offensive line, a demanding, coarse boss, and a system working best when it pushes the ball through the air exactly 3. 5 yards at a time.

In short, he's got half the tools required to make it in the NFL...which in the sad state of the postmodern NFL makes him worth a pick for a team in need of a qb. But for god's sake, don't scuttle your career as a GM by taking him in the first round. No one wants to have Rick Mirer redux hanging like a stinking albatross around their professional neck.

Patrick Willis Zack Thomas with a vengeance. Willis destroyed midfield possibilities for offenses in the SEC West all year long, but we'd have drafted him after this hit alone. We dare you to find a better form tackle on a run play.

One of those players whose life story told to you in full detail would make you weep for humanity if Willis wasn't such an avowedly nice and humble guy who worked his ass off in every facet of his life at Oxford.

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Comments

as the gay college football fan, give me chris leak before quinn. those eyes are dreamy.

though both are probably 6-pack queers.

by adam on Mar 2, 2007 11:21 AM EST reply actions

Russell was one of my favorite players to watch but I’m worried any playbook will hinder his abilities. That play, along with the touchdown throw to beat ASU are the prototypical Russell plays: line breaks down, scrambles for a few seconds, and launching the ball (off his back foot running to the left) at least sixty yards down the field.
Either Jimbo Fisher never spent much time working with JaMarcus or he just doesn’t like set plays. I’d put him and Michael Vick in the backfield with two world class sprinters at WR and let them draw up plays in the sand. Essentially, NFL Blitz come to life.

by AUAlum on Mar 2, 2007 11:28 AM EST reply actions

Won’t have to worry about Brady Quinn being a Rick Mirer Redux, more like a Peyton Manning……As for JaMarcus Russell, all the talent in the world won’t help him in Oakland……It’s nice that everyone compares Russell to Culpepper……Nothing left of Culpepper’s career either !!!! A couple years and done. How Ironic that Quinn will fall to the #9 pick and the Fins will draft him and make him the QB, and Culpepper can sit and watch……….. Better hope Russell doesn’t wind up being another Grossman or Danny Awful !!!! better yet Ryan Leaf.

by cuss on Mar 2, 2007 11:28 AM EST reply actions

Damn straight, Quinn looked like Sexy Rexy for the rest of the season. Anyone have his absolutely awful TD-INT ratio from that game on handy?

by rusty on Mar 2, 2007 11:29 AM EST reply actions

Not really relevant to the thread, but saw this and thought it belonged on this site:

Jerry Greene, Orlando Sentinel: "Funniest story of the week: Peyton Manning gave the Tennessee basketball team a pep talk before the Vols beat Florida. Exactly what tips did Peyton have on beating the Gators?"

That, I believe, was a shot.

by Broom on Mar 2, 2007 11:30 AM EST reply actions

The funny thing about that Patrick Willis hit — sure it looks nice, but that was a 3rd and 1 and the back picked up the first down. He paid for it, but he still got it.

by Billy on Mar 2, 2007 11:37 AM EST reply actions

Consider this my cease-and-desist order to stop posting that Reggie Nelson clip from the Georgia-Florida game. If this behavior persists, you’ll be hearing from my lawyer, as soon as I hire one.

by Doug on Mar 2, 2007 11:42 AM EST reply actions

Alright Adam, I’ll bite: Please define “6-pack queers.” I think I know, but just want to be certain.

by maskedavenger on Mar 2, 2007 11:48 AM EST reply actions

I agree that Buster Davis won’t go until the later rounds.. maybe 3-5. Physically, he reminds me of Jeremiah Trotter. He’ll be a fine run-stopping linebacker but will be mediocre in pass coverage. I like his motor and his lack of character issues, as you pointed out, certainly helps his cause. I’d expect this guy to be a special teams demon. www.patrickdonohue.wordpress.com.

by Patrick on Mar 2, 2007 11:51 AM EST reply actions

You realize you have opened up a whole new category of sport? Forget the draft stuff, lets start considering sport combinations. Sure bowling and NASCAR, not so much, but what about bowling and hockey (take out the goals and insert pins). I mean the options are endless…

by Jonathan on Mar 2, 2007 12:09 PM EST reply actions

And if Jamarcus doesn’t satisfy enough, just remember, he’s dating Fats Domino’s granddaughter. That alone should add intangible entertainment vallue.

by Southern Papa on Mar 2, 2007 12:16 PM EST reply actions

Further proof that David Cutcliffe was no idiot and maybe the guys at Rivals(3 stars):

http://olemiss.rivals.com/viewprospect.asp?Sport=1&pr_key=11906

and Scout(2 stars) are:

http://scout.scout.com/a.z?s=177&p=8&c=1&nid=223044

You can’t scout heart and this young man has enough for the whole team. I hope the Saints can nab him.

by Cool Hand Mike on Mar 2, 2007 12:23 PM EST reply actions

“I’d put him and Michael Vick in the backfield with two world class sprinters at WR…”
Well, at least we know that “AUAlum” is NOT actually Urban Meyer!

Doug (#7), I think the hiring of a “lawya’” would be much more beneficial to carry out the cease and desist.

by Aerobab on Mar 2, 2007 12:34 PM EST reply actions

Wow! That a great fill by Willis. He didnt avoid the blocker. Rather taking on the block of an offensive lineman, shedding it and making a very pretty tackle. It helps to run well at MLB, but its not imperative.

Stop the run between the tackles …and thats what he does.

by tzubear on Mar 2, 2007 12:52 PM EST reply actions

Here are some reasons why an NFL GM likely will spend a first round pick on Quinn, fears of a Rick Mirer redux be damned.

by Pat on Mar 2, 2007 1:14 PM EST reply actions

Consider this a PSA to YouTube football clip editors:
Stop it with the nü-metal. That shit blows.

by rob on Mar 2, 2007 1:26 PM EST reply actions

Two comments:

1. My man crush on Pat Willis is reaching epic proportions. I honestly would let him sleep with my wife if it mean’t he plays for the Bengals. Look at my name on this site and I am saying this. Fuck Odell Thurman and give me Pat Willis!

2. Brady Quinn Haters of the world need to stop. Two straight years he threw for over 30 TD’s and 7 INT’s. He has a strong acurate arm and makes good decesions with th football. He will be a better NFL QB than Russell. Russell is just a freak of nature. Freaks of Nature do not make good QB’s. Look it up.

by Odell 51 on Mar 2, 2007 1:38 PM EST reply actions

Norman Greenbaum and Notre Dame fans go together like Skynyrd and Bama fans. The songs alone are good but together you just shake your head.

by Cool Hand Mike on Mar 2, 2007 1:38 PM EST reply actions

I agree with that Cool Hand. The ability to match proper music with highlights is a vital skill that not too many youtube editors possess.

Perhaps it’s time for bloggers to ban together and set some guidelines.

by Pat on Mar 2, 2007 1:50 PM EST reply actions

Monday—done.

by Orson Swindle on Mar 2, 2007 1:54 PM EST reply actions

Cool hand is right, Cutcliffe was no idiot, he was smart enough to get himself fired while most people thought he was a good head coach.

by Mark on Mar 2, 2007 1:59 PM EST reply actions

I agree with you somewhat, Cool Hand, but the fact remains that Willis RARELY saw the field under Cutcliffe. When he did go in, he did great…but for some reason, we always had less talent starting ahead of him. It wasn’t until the Orgeron came in that Willis made his impact. To quote a recent story on rivals:

Willis states:

“The next year I was really productive but they (David Cutcliffe’s staff) kept putting me behind some other guys. But, I just continued to stay positive and worked hard.”

So while Cutt may have been smart enough to listen to the assistant coach who recruited him, he wasn’t smart enough to put him on the field.

by RaginCajunRebel on Mar 2, 2007 2:12 PM EST reply actions

If i were an NFL GM, Russel and Quinn scare the crap out of me. I’d take the safe way out and take Calvin Johnson. He’s as much a sure thing as anyone we’ve seen in recent memory (ie last year).

6 pack queer: 1/2 a dozen beers and they’ll hook up with guys, then claim it was the alcohol the next day. Though pre-BCS game, I’d have said that Chris was more of a 4 pack Bartles & Jaymes queer. I deny ever thinking that now.

by dogtown gator on Mar 2, 2007 2:35 PM EST reply actions

Where’s Gaines Adams of Clemson? That guy is inhuman. That clip of him against Wake Forest, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a human that big run that fast.

by snow god on Mar 2, 2007 2:41 PM EST reply actions

Dogtown gator – thanks for confirming that.

by maskedavenger on Mar 2, 2007 2:45 PM EST reply actions

Whither Gaines Adams?

His play should have won the Game Changing Moment of the Year (tm, Pontiac). And that’s coming from an Auburn man.

by HFS on Mar 2, 2007 2:47 PM EST reply actions

maskedavenger: 6-pack queer is probably what you thought it is. a guy who drinks a six-pack and gets all handsy with his friends.

see: tim hardaway.

by adam on Mar 2, 2007 2:47 PM EST reply actions

Adam: the repressed ones are always the haters.

by maskedavenger on Mar 2, 2007 2:49 PM EST reply actions

You know, “Spirit in the Sky” and ND highlights go wel together. I like.

by Wooderson on Mar 2, 2007 3:07 PM EST reply actions

Gaines should be on here, but we’re talking about athletes entering the NFL draft. We think Gaines is going straight to eating people with impunity and becoming an apex predator above homo sapiens.

by Orson Swindle on Mar 2, 2007 3:08 PM EST reply actions

No sign of Dwayne Jarrett? Harrumph harrumph, etc.

by DC Trojan on Mar 2, 2007 3:14 PM EST reply actions

See: Matt Millen, DC.

by Orson Swindle on Mar 2, 2007 3:18 PM EST reply actions

I think I’m more impressed with Gaines Adams ability to imitate hot asphalt under a steamroller after watching SC’s Mike Davis make him his prison bitch. Still, from what I read, he did have an impressive combine and now that we don’t have to face him anymore, I wish him the best of luck in his career and life.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3WS5Uwc5XA

by Out of Conference on Mar 2, 2007 3:39 PM EST reply actions

See: Matt Millen, DC.

Millen is really trying to get old school with a 1 platoon team — 1 platoon of 11 wide receivers. Never a dull moment in Motor City.

by DC Trojan on Mar 2, 2007 4:23 PM EST reply actions

the idea that Quinn crumbled whenever under pressure after michigan like Rex Grossman, unless sarcastic, is totally wrong. He was integral in coming back against MSU. You PERSONALLY watched him orchestrate the game winning drive with one minute left against UCLA, orson! He played great at USC, but his receivers continually dropped passes. He had an average game against LSU. The only game in his two years under Weis that we lost “because Brady played badly” was Michigan 2006. In those two years, defense was never even close to helping in any one of those losses, with opposing scores of 41, 44, 47, 34, 34, and 44 respectively.

If I were an NFL manager would I draft brady quinn? Hell yes if I needed a qb. Do i know that brady will do well in the NFL? Absolutely not, but damn near all indications point to yes.

Apologies for the domer mouth diarrhea.

by Tommy O on Mar 2, 2007 9:41 PM EST reply actions

I think Public Enemy’s “Prophets of Rage” would work well with Patrick Willis’ vid.

by MCab on Mar 3, 2007 12:39 AM EST reply actions

He played great at USC, but his receivers continually dropped passes.

Actually, the 06 game against SC was about the only time where I was genuinely impressed by Quinn. Apparently he was the only Domer on the field who 1) genuinely wanted to win, and 2) actually was trying to do something about it. Proof that there is only so much that one man can do to win a game — unless it’s Vince Young. [shivers uncontrollably]

That said, I’ve always enjoyed those moments when he’s picking himself off the turf after another O-line failure and looks like he’s about to cry. It’s the perfect blend of minimal sportsmanship (don’t want to cheer an injury) and schadenfreude.

(Don’t get me wrong, under the same pressure I’d blub in a heartbeat, but I don’t play QB for a storied program blah blah.)

by DC Trojan on Mar 3, 2007 12:54 AM EST reply actions

haha, that’s fine i suppose. I admit I derived the same satisfaction from the shellshocked look on Leinart’s face after his Texas and Chicago games.

by Tommy O on Mar 3, 2007 2:26 AM EST reply actions

“the idea that Quinn crumbled whenever under pressure after michigan like Rex Grossman, unless sarcastic, is totally wrong”

I agree, I mean in college Rex was awesome and unlike Quinn actually won big games. (I’d bet Grossman has a better career than Quinn).

by Socraticsilence on Mar 3, 2007 9:15 AM EST reply actions

I admit I derived the same satisfaction from the shellshocked look on Leinart’s face after his Texas and Chicago games.

And rightly so – what are rivalries for, otherwise?

by DC Trojan on Mar 3, 2007 10:25 AM EST reply actions

my point, Socraticsilence, was that Grossman’s pocket struggles and bad decision making contributed highly to, if not literally caused the loss of nearly every game the bears lost this past season (Patriots, Green Bay, and Indianapolis for sure). You’re right that Quinn has not played in the NFL yet so we don’t know how he’ll be as a pro, but saying that after Michigan Quinn’s play was analogous to Grossman’s play in the NFL this past season means you simply didn’t pay attention to either qb’s season (I say this as a notre dame student from Chicago).

if the reference in the article was an allusion to Grossman’s college play, then I have no idea what I’m talking about.

by Tommy O on Mar 3, 2007 4:40 PM EST reply actions

“Special bonus: FSU talent without character issues!”

FSU talent without issue? Super lame. Sounds like a vagina when you’ve got The Republic of Dee, Avery Atkins beating his baby’s mama, Marcus Thomas, aka Cheech (or Chong), or the keg tossing championship not but two hours away.

Obviously, he has some work to do to get to Sexy Rexy’s nitrous-balloon party favors.

by Dee Webb's AK on Mar 4, 2007 5:09 AM EST reply actions

Hey, AK,

The difference, of course, between the SOW and the one residing in Gainesville is that both Atkins and Thomas were kicked off the team for their transgressions.

They’d be running stadium steps at FSU. But I’m sure you knew that.

by Irwin Fletcher on Mar 7, 2007 8:57 AM EST reply actions

Hey,

The 92 Sugar Bowl was on espn classic last week. ND vs Spurrier and Fl. Great Game!!

by Chuck on Mar 11, 2007 4:44 PM EDT reply actions

Does anyone realize that Quinn was 2-1 vs U of M in 3 career starts. I think those are pretty big games. U of M is pretty darn good and has been so for quite some time.

by Chuck on Mar 11, 2007 4:46 PM EDT reply actions