Courtesy of Univision: Vanessa convinces you that Mazda=glamorous. Or at least Mazda=woman with visible tan cheekmeat who, if not willing to rub herself on you, will certainly do so on your car while you watch.

BTW: there’s an unfulfilled market need here, people: naughty car washes. Feel free to make it your own. Imagine how clean your car would be if every scene were like the car wash scene from Cool Hand Luke. It’s posted after the jump for both filthy men to ogle Lucille, and for dirty women with prison fantasies to ogle Paul Newman dirty and shirtless. We know who’s reading this.

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While Myles Brand rails vainly against the non-threat of the invisible hand at work, we keep tabs on the real threat to college football: Joe Theismann.

Call off the guards. Tell the protesters to stand down. Theismann: staying with the NFL.

Dance, monkeys! Let’s get rocked!

Last season Purdue TE Garret Bushong stated that:

We run this place and if anyone begs to differ, I’ll say what my good buddy Brandon Kirsch once said. “You know where to find me, locker number three, so come and say what you need to say to my face.”

This edict does not apply to Nick’s Nightclub in West Lafayette. Purdue wide receiver Selwyn Lymon, (not named after the mythical half lime, half-lemon fueling the irresistible taste of Sprite,) got stabbed by someone early this morning in the parking lot of the aforementioned club. Lymon suffered a wound to the upper chest and is listed in critical but stable condition at St. Elizabeth Medical Center in Lafayette. For the layperson, “critical but stable” is medical terminology for “nasty, probably won’t die, and definitely in need of piles of painkillers.”

Purdue WR Lymon: injury report says “stabbed.”

Paramedics responded promptly and stopped the bleeding, prompting Joe Tiller to immediately offer them the job of defensive coordinator at Purdue. “We’ve had a problem with that around here,” said Tiller at a morning press conference. “When we see talent, we take it wherever it’s coming from.”*

* No, he didn’t.

Myles Brand–punchline!

NCAA president Myles Brand expressed concern Thursday about coaches’ salaries, but said it was up to schools and universities to police themselves when it comes to hires.

Women be shoppin’…oh, yeah, women be shoppin!

We’re mailing Brand a blue helmet as we speak, since the NCAA is rapidly entering UN peacekeeper territory here. Brand makes, with benefits, three-quarters of a million dollars a year for heading up an organization whose purpose he can’t define. They’ve also been under investigation twice in the past year regarding their non-profit status, something they combatted by paying $160,000 to lobbyists in Washington to protect said status.

Just another vaguely defined non-profit it reminds us of…

They also make millions from the NCAA tournament, their cash cow, which in no way resembles a professional sporting event, either. We play ping-pong to ecstatic thousands at the Georgia Dome every Thursday, in case you’re interested. But let Myles go on:

“I think we have to begin asking some very hard questions,” Brand said. (more…)

A necessary but sad Fulmer Cup correction: Nebraska loses its point for the cup-tossing incident involving quarterback Sam Keller, who threw a cup from his car at a woman after she stole a parking spot he was waiting for in a campus parking lot.

The points are therefore revoked from scoring. You may, however, commemorate the incident forever by purchasing the item at the center of the whole scandal: the very cup Keller threw on that fateful day, now for sale on EBay. (HT: Corn Nation.)

The EBay page is here. Hurry–the thing might sell for eleven dollars before it’s all over.

Sam Keller’s cup: yours for just ten dollars at this point.

The funniest part of the whole thing: the pic of “the victim’s car.”

The SEC will convene this April in–where else?–the heart of the Redneck Riviera, Destin, Florida, to discuss topics important to the SEC: academic integrity, the future of amateur sport, and if you really can get a grown man to bite on a hook baited with a blueberry cake donut from the Donut Hole. (Our verdict? Hell, yes.)

They’ll likely discuss money, too. Lots of it. In the hypothetical and real senses of the word. In fact, we have a copy of Bernie Machen’s entire presentation to the collected heads of SEC schools:

That’s likely it for the underlying semantics of the argument: MMMMMM CASH TASTY SWEET CASH. (more…)

Another exciting chapter in college football’s favorite telenovela unfolds. Join us now for…

Las Cronicas this week opens with a Law and Order bend to the plot. Last year’s contract extension for Boss Hawg emerged without details on the exact numbers. Enter intrepid reporters, who instead of investigating the wallows of graft floating around them grabbed themselves a Freedom of Information Act request to force the divulging of the exact numbers of Nutt’s contract.

(We’re so down with responsible journalism in the south we even use FOIA to find out coaching salaries. Suck on that, Yankee elitists. WHAT? HUH?)

The details? For going 10-4 and getting the Razorbacks to the SEC championship game, Nutt received a whopping raise of 1,768,728 dollars. Man, that’s actually a shitload of money. Good job, sir…

No, wait…that’s in pesos, actually. In US currency that’s a raise of $160,000, a piddling sum leaving Nutt as the eighth-ranked coach in salary terms in the SEC behind Urban Meyer, Phil Fulmer, Cappy the popcorn guy at Ole Miss, Smokey the Tennessee mascot, and Jackd Filltrap, tenured Professor of Badass Studies at LSU.

Nutt did receive a ton of deferred money, including a million dollar bonus if he stays through 2009. We love those bonuses. They should just include things like “Gets own MechaGodzilla in 2013,” or “May force all staffers to wear harem pants in 2013.” Given the mayflyesque coaching tenures in the SEC and in college football in general, it’s a solid bet he’ll never see any of it.

“If I stay ’til 2012, I get the one on the right…which is nice.”

More spring practice gossip, this time from a highly desirable source: Da U of Miami, now under new management with Randy Shannon at the helm. Reader/citizen journo Redheaded Jewban gives us the insider’s info as only scuttlebutt, rumor, and a guy he knows who works at a pizza shop can deliver:

I am a loyal gator in Miami, but I still think I should supply you and the EDSBS readership with an early Miami report.

New Head Coach Randy Shannon has a gag order on all things quarterback related, which he reiterated to the media during the last scrimmage in which he was pressed for information. To sum up the situation: Kyle Wright was one of the most highly prized recruits his senior year of high school, but has not produced much at Miami. Wright is a typical dropback passer, which would seem to fit well in Miami’s pro-style offense. However, he has not done too well. This could be a combo of never having much time to pass or just being scared under pressure.

It’s been like that for Kyle Wright at Miami.

Reasons he may win starting job: He looks great in the red “Don’t touch me!” and basketball shorts zipping the ball around to all his reads and was the starter the past one and a half years until his midseason injury, which let his competition get time on the field. Kirby Freeman (white guy with a very black name) is another highly talented player for the Hurricrimes. He was considering transferring, but was convinced to stay and now has the ‘U’ tattooed on his shoulder blade. (more…)

Most bizarre injury of the spring thus far goes to Nebraska’s bruising and now quite bruised running back Kenny Wilson. If South Park’s decade of gory demises hasn’t proven this by now, do not name your son “Kenny” unless you’re prepared to watch his painful doom:

Nebraska running back Kenny Wilson broke his leg moving a television and likely will be out for the season.

We’d love to delve into more detail here, but there are none aside from his being out for the year, because breaking the largest bone in your body, the femur, represents serious business. (HT: Fanhouse Jeff.)

With the Cornhuskers of olde, the real explanation would have been easy: he would have been “moving” the television through someone’s window with some teammates, heard sirens or a dog, and then leapt from the window, either breaking his leg on landing or having it snapped by the falling safe they were also boosting from the house. (Boosting? Been watching Mannix?–ed.) In this bland, law-abiding Callahan era, we’re sure this is just a freak accident.

Personally, though, we’d have only one story for the world if we were Kenny.

Reporter: How’d it happen, Kenny?

Kenny: (Smiles) Hard fuckin’, Bob. Mad hard fuckin’.

What this couldn’t do, a television did: Kenny Wilson, your most bizarre injury of the spring.

Thanks to all who’ve submitted eyewitness reports from the practice field thus far. Try us–if you think we won’t post a Ball State practice report, you’re completely mistaken.

Reader, commenter, and gentleman RedRoot went to Florida’s practice yesterday and discovered this:

I was able to slide out of work early yesterday and made it for the first part of practice. I few observations from an untrained eye:

Hollywood…phantom? Professional? Paraguayan?

Frightening news on Mon Williams, a microback with an alluring jukiness to him. This does, however, improve the chances of young ones like Chris Rainey possibly seeing the field in fall, so as always: it’s good to be Chris Rainey again.

As for guesses what the “P” in “Hollywood P” stand for:

–Playa
–Pimp
–Penis
–Poondido
–Percocet?

God bless bad programming. Without it we would have never had the “double-cross” pick play in Sega’s College Football National Championship, the unstoppable toss-sweep in that game, or Warrick Dunn’s hide-exploding stiffarm in Dreamcast’s NFL 2K. The idea of Dunn stiffarming perfume sales ladies is farfetched. In 2K, however, Dunn could force blast linemen three yards backwards through the air like a shoulder-pad wearing Jedi. “Farfetched” doesn’t cover the first zip code of that territory of the absurd.

A slow news day officially begins when you’ve begun searching YouTube for “NCAA Glitch.” That happened around 3:25 EST, actually. Don’t denigrate that as a waste of time, however: the proper term would be an awesome waste of time, since we found two ghostly glitches recorded by avid researchers of the game.

1. The little-used teleportation button. Would be funnier if the coach came off the sidelines when using vintage Woody Hayes Ohio State teams. But this ain’t bad:

2. Can’t touch this. Also known as the “Tebow” move. We’re not telling you how to do it.

Well, it is Northwestern on defense. It all makes sense now, no?

Mustaches as a sporting accessory peaked in early 20th century baseball, though early 1980s NASCAR gave the national pastime (cough bullshit cough) quite a challenge. If you’ve never seen Dale Jarrett’s donut mop from the period, you’re missing a classic of the genre.

For unironic, modern day ’staches, though, it’s difficult to trump the accomplishments of cricketeers worldwide. A sport encompassing both India and Pakistan is going to have some excellent lip protection going on, but they’re not alone–seemingly every major national cricket team boasts a strong delegate to the Legislature of the Lipcozy.

We salute you, gentlemen. Given how long a cricket match takes, we bet many of these materialized whole during the course of a three-day test match.

Merv Hughes, Australia (retired). Bonus info: Wikipedia describes “Big Merv” as “a notorious consumer of alcohol and food.”

Superb ’stache. Good for filtering gallons of beer through.

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Yarr.

Some people really do live every week like it’s shark week. Mike Leach, pirate and Texas Tech football coach, sees the winds change, tacks against it, and broadsides the opposition with this news: his crew be needin’ a mighty punter, and they’re willing to use your fancy newspapers to find him. As found in the Daily Toreador, the swashbucklingly named student paper of Texas Tech: (HT:Dave)

Anyone wanting to tryout for the team can start today by calling the Texas Tech Athletic Department and ask for Tech graduate assistant Clay McGuire.

If you’re in the area and would like to try out, that’s (806) 742-4260 and ask for Clay. Sure he’s having a really, really fulfilling day. We weren’t aware Mike Leach actually had a punter, or even used one. However, if he wants to appease critics by carrying one, we’re glad to egg the charade on with him. (We love elaborate charades–see the BCS, or the current subprime lending market for some of our faves.)

Qualifications include:

–Scurvy-free.
–Does bellringing in private.
–Prefers to kick into practice nets as opposed to real-time, in-game situations.
–Extensive wenching experience preferred; basic random sodomy and pillaging, however, is a must.
–Must be a big fan of “brown rain.”

Again, just ring up ol’ Clay there if you think you’re game, swabby. Yarr.

Hello, citizens. Attorney Ken Terwiliger here. Know the picture, because it’s the face of justice and affordable personal injury litigation for most of central Georgia.

Others may just say this, but I’m looking out for you. Really, I am. I’m just waiting for you to come through that door and get your share of the money the NCAA owes you via this huge and very important class action lawsuit we’ve filed against them. (See this leather chair? It squeaks with the sound of affluence. Those books? I’ve read almost some of them.)

Seems someone decided to pay athletes less than they were worth across the board, which is just plain wrong, specifically underpaying exactly 11,500 athletes by precisely $2,500 each* in the delivery of their scholarships. What’s that equal in total? Well, I didn’t major in math, friend, but my sources tell me it’s over FIFTY BILLION** when you work it all out.

Your share could turn injustice into some of the things you’ve undoubtedly dreamed about! A chair made of pure platinum…ringside wrestling tickets…your very own “crib” on the moon… (more…)

What: EDSBS Radio

When: 7:30 p.m.–9:00 p.m. EST THIRTY MINUTES MORE!!!! WOOOOO!!!

We’re really just making more room for Ragin’ Cajun Rebel, but you’re all invited, too.

Where: On the EDSBS channel at Now Live.

How: To call in? (310) 984-7600. You may also register at Now Live and participate in the live chat, where we’ll be taking comments and working them into the broadcast.

Why: Because you could waste time/money/life in a more egregious manner. Actor Eddie Griffin certainly did. That’s a $1.5 million Ferrari Enzo. Total line run: 400. Total now: 399 at best.

Who: Peter Bean of Burnt Orange Nation and Orson from this website, along with special guest Dan Shanoff, late of ESPN/ABC/Disney/Cthulu and Dan Shanoff.com.

To prepare ahead of time, your study list appears below. The theme? Football, Television, and The Media: Topic Following Colon.

The four questions for this week:

1. Identify your favorite television announcer/feature/widget. I.e., something the people who bring you sports get right.

2. Identify something you’d like to see obliterated from the face of television.
Putting the over/under of Mark May references at 12. Taking all bettors.

3. Which non-broadcasting celebrities would make the best and worst color commentators for college football games? We choose Carlos Mencia as worst.

4. Name an antisocial behavior you have fantasies about indulging. Example? Growing really, really long ratty sideburns and combing them in public like an Allman Brother.

Hear you then…