ESPN TO GIVE COLLEGE FOOTBALL THE "BASEBALL TONIGHT" TREATMENT. PASS THE DAVE CAMPBELL TANNING CREME.

by Orson on Feb 26, 2007 3:22 PM EST

Riding the wave of what USA Today calls "college football's growing popularity," ESPN will debut College Football Live on July 23rd. Why now?

"College football fans want more content," Berson says. "This has been a long time coming. It's a natural extension for us. We expect it to become a staple of our programming, like NFL Live and Baseball Tonight."

Our reaction:

WHAAAAA?

It's coming on at 3:30 p.m. EST, which means ESPN may have misstepped already by assuming you're on the couch clearing a bong in between classes.

You may very well be doing this at 3:30, and if you are, te salutamos, amigo. However, as slyly literate as college football fans can be, most are engaged in the act of substantive employment at 3:30 in the afternoon, even if only to pay off the massive debt incurred by a university education. Hell, even those we'd label as the "Powertool Leroys" of the college football set, the blue-collar locals who follow the university team like a pro squad, are likely still at work. The slot's awful, but we can't move Rome Is Burning, can we? Midgets are wicked deadly when made angry.

The likeable Rece Davis will run the point for the show along with the usual rolling intellectual blackout of analysts: Lou Holtz, Mark May, Bob Griese, Doug Flutie, Todd Blackledge, Craig James and Ed Cunningham. No mention of awesome Jim Donnan and his bedhead, or any sight of a varsity squad version of Ron Jaworski manning the telestrator and actually explaining what's actually occurring on the screen.

Bringing us to dos and don'ts of the upcoming show. As a very selective consumer of ESPN products (Gameday, Bruce Feldman, Pat Forde, and we suppose NASCAR now,) we want the program to be a success, because it's about college football and DEEHHHHHRRRR we crave King Content like everyone else, provided it's not manufactured and reflects something actually occurring regarding our chosen sport. Anything associated with Stephen A. Smith would not qualify, no matter how loudly it's presented.

1. Ixnay on weepy player profiles. The real becomes satire once the maudlin synth strings creep into the soundtrack. It's somehow four thousand times worse when Jeremy Schaap wants to emote us into a teary fetal position, but talks himself into a corner like the Shatner of sports journs. It's a dead segment format, mostly because the fewer the frills a story has, the more a viewer bonds with the story and doesn't tune out the obvious tired emotional cues. Send it the way of Barbaro.

Yay analysis. No, we're not too dumb. Given the audience, actually, the most literate and obsessive fanbase they may have is college football. The offseason affords boundless space for parsing x and o-age; just gander at some of the amateur whiteboard stuff floating around the blogosphere. Placing the field greens of analysis along with the standard romaine and iceberg lettuce of point-and-blab talking head time is a little nod to the more discerning sports consumer that, yes, while most people are going to enjoy ranch/lettuce soup by the bowlful, the management cares about you, too.

Keep Mark May. He's a one-man content provider, first of all, with a whole site devoted to his wrongness. However, we will praise him by saying that he's in reality a blend of the partisan and the studied, mixing in coherence with brazen rhetorical shortcuts and doing it all with unparalleled smug. Add in the Mark May Peltstache disguise he added last year, and Mark May sounds less and less like an ESPN commentator, and more and more like...a blogger.

Therefore, keep him. Rotten tomatoes need rotten targets, no?

Get some ADD going here. The mysterious disappearing 18-30 year old male demographic craves quick-cut, compulsive content. In marching band parlance, we'd call what Davis/Holtz/May show does right now "park 'n blow": announcers looking at the camera, usually with a topic beneath their face, discussing said topic at length.

Fine if you haven't been raised on Adult Swim and Ritalin, sure. But the only growth industry ESPN's got as far as commentary has been PTI, something whose simple format they've desperately been trying to replicate for a few years now with little success. Whatever the setup is, it's got to be internet-fast, simple, and with only a few elemental frills built into it. At the risk of sounding very media consultant dorky, you're talking about users now, and not viewers. When they get the information in a novel package, they'll come back for more.

Finally...

Lose the ties. The biggest factor making ESPN look like a bunch of stodgy Northeastern productivity dorks talking on their cell phones just to look busy: ties on everyone. If the camera panned around, we expect to see ties on the cameras, the microphones, on the boom mike operator...it's a completely non-ironic Anchorman move to keep everyone at ESPN ties--they wear them because they're classy, an adjective used by Will Ferrell because it means precisely nothing. (Unless we're talking about Tony Bennett. He's classy. But you? Us? The world at large since 1952? No.)

Drop them and be free, boys. Let the neck fat breathe.

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Comments

Bad time-slotting, gents, even though that makes for 12:30 PM Pacific and I don’t show up for work until 2:30 (which means compulsive viewing if the show doesn’t suck.)

I only ask why Chris Fowler is not involved. The rotating cast of analysts is okay, but give me more of stoner boys James and Flutie (if your college audience is stoned, then so should your analysts be.)

by Signal to Noise on Feb 26, 2007 3:28 PM EST reply actions

Only thing, Orson, is how do you go ADD and analysis at the same time? I think that they’re trying to serve the ADD generation when they give those bullshit talking-points, but actual analysis involves quite drawn out discussions that leaves people also wanting to know about the methods, samples, etc. I love the blogosphere’s ability to have people write 3,000 words on a certain conference’s proclivity for 3rd down play selection (thinking about MgoBlog, some others here) but it’s not designed for ADD programming. Remember, Aqua Teen is 11 minutes long, and I can pay attention for the whole thing. Except when I don’t. What was I talking about?

by italiangator on Feb 26, 2007 3:37 PM EST reply actions

They need ESPN2 Year One attire. Some hoodies, cargo pants and gang colors will pull mad ratings in the male 18-35 demo.

by NoleinTexas on Feb 26, 2007 3:38 PM EST reply actions

ESPN will use its tried and true model — a genial traffic cop/host, a fat guy who talks too loud (Golic/Kruk), one guy who really understands what the hell he’s talking about (Gammons or Kurkjian/Jaworski), and one guy who is thisclose from getting fired by the WWL for violations of company policy. I’ll let y’all cast the parts from that template.

by DevilGrad on Feb 26, 2007 3:43 PM EST reply actions

You know, I hate to give you guys more to do, but how cool would it be if they had a “blogger’s flogger” corner on teh show. A visiting commentator, like Orson, or that dude from Rammer Jammer, or the Burnt Orange Nation lad…..would come on and give a spzil. It’d be a union of espn and the bloggosphere, which is well needed considering I’ve been much more impressed w/ what I read on the internet than whatever Holtz spews out between his toothless gums.

You game Orson? Get on tv. Say smart things. Help eliminate the “non-SEC bias” that permeates ESPN college football coverage. God Speed.

by Hook'em Tide on Feb 26, 2007 3:44 PM EST reply actions

Non-SEC Bias??? Get in the Waaaaambulance, sir, your tears aren’t that tasty.

by sjs1959 on Feb 26, 2007 3:55 PM EST reply actions

I think what they need during the 330pm timeslot is a bong on air. Thatll make the x’s and o’s a lot more interesting.

by rob on Feb 26, 2007 3:56 PM EST reply actions

Yea! I think they should have a daily feature on Charlie Weiss’s cravings.

Monday – 4 taco salads with 16 oz sour cream
Tuesday – 3 deep dish Meatlovers and 1 walk on punter
Wednesday – 3 local beat writers, 1 chess pie, and a small tossed salad

etc…

by George P. Budell on Feb 26, 2007 4:07 PM EST reply actions

Really want the 18-26 demographic? …..just start the show at 4:20. /captain obvious

by George P. Budell on Feb 26, 2007 4:11 PM EST reply actions

italiangator, you’re absolutely right… ATHF is way too long… I didn’t really catch the rest of what you were saying, but ATHF is definitely way too long…

And Hookem’, while I like the idea in principle, that’s the kind of thing our favorite bloggers would have trouble washing off at night.

by PeterPumpkinhead on Feb 26, 2007 4:15 PM EST reply actions

just waiting for the wave after wave of ripoffs from the blogosphere in the new show

by Out of Conference on Feb 26, 2007 4:46 PM EST reply actions

NASCAR, eh?
Orson throws another gyroball into the matrix that defines this site (simpsons, fulmer fat jokes, college football, and cheesecake).

by jon on Feb 26, 2007 4:50 PM EST reply actions

Orson is 2 hot 4 T.V. I’d be beating the ladies off with a cane.

by The Conscience of a Nation on Feb 26, 2007 4:58 PM EST reply actions

Reminds me of my favorite joke:

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Wanna ride bikes?

by Katy on Feb 26, 2007 4:59 PM EST reply actions

If Craig James’s involvement in the show goes any further than “Severe Beating of the Day,” color me skeptical.

Still, I share your general belief that More CFB = Good.

by Doug on Feb 26, 2007 5:15 PM EST reply actions

College Football: growing in popularity since 1893.

by Orangeblood on Feb 26, 2007 5:26 PM EST reply actions

Ixnay Dept:

Totally agree on No. 1: 1. Ixnay on weepy player profiles.

However, here are some ideas:

1) Cheerleader of the Week Profile: Any candid shots – booberage, rear end-cleavage, etc. should be a must.

2) Cheerleader Quiz Show: As an on-going bit, bring in cheerleaders and have fun with them asking them questions, such as who is the Sec of Defense and stuff. (I would love to hear the off-beat answers of the Bama babes.)

3) Announcer: Get Ms. Keibler or someone similar to do remotes from various locations. If the school sucks, at least there would be some eye candy from moi and company.

by Stacy Keibler Loves Me on Feb 26, 2007 5:40 PM EST reply actions

I say throw in a weekly eating contest between Kobayashi and one of our many morbidly obese coaches.

by Orangeblood on Feb 26, 2007 5:48 PM EST reply actions

SKLM,
Um, they already have Holly Rowe.

TCOAN,
So wearing jorts = beating the ladies off with a cane. I gotta try that.

by J.J. on Feb 26, 2007 6:17 PM EST reply actions

I feel old, not just because I fall outside the 18-30 target demo and am actually old, but there was a day when I’d have been so excited about a daily college football fix and that day has gone.

And I think all the bloggers of the sphere would be thrilled if ESPN stole from them if it got the WWL pointed in the right direction for their coverage.

by Jarvis12 on Feb 26, 2007 7:21 PM EST reply actions

I’ve got it! A bikini contest between Holly Rowe, Shelley Smith, Doris Burke and Shelley Smith!

Now, THAT’S excitement!

by sjs1959 on Feb 26, 2007 7:22 PM EST reply actions

OK, I put Shelley Smith twice. Maybe there was logic in that, I don’t know….

by sjs1959 on Feb 26, 2007 7:22 PM EST reply actions

Heh — “beating off.”

But seriously, how do you write a post that puts “neck fat” and “Jim Donnan” in seperate sentences?

by Newspaper Hack on Feb 26, 2007 10:51 PM EST reply actions

Um, hello, you forgot the best thing ESPN could do to improve their coverage (okay, besides not grabbing their ankles to promote whichever lame game ABC is pushing that week): fire Lou Holtz before the old coot drowns some hard-working cameraman in a flood of post-senility spittle.

by Will Collier on Feb 27, 2007 8:32 AM EST reply actions

It will just be another chance for me to tune AWAY from ESPN. I love college football, but I haven’t watched for a couple of years, and I WILL NOT WATCH COLLEGE FOOTBALL UNTIL THE BCS IS THROWN OUT, AND A PLAYOFF SYSTEM IS IN PLACE.

There is NO POINT IN WATCHING COLLEGE FOOTBALL CURRENTLY. Right now, COLLEGE FOOTBALL is a COMPLETE SLAP IN THE FACE TO ANY LOYAL FAN. Especially, the way the champion is decided. Any coach will tell you…A LOSS HELPS A TEAM…END OF STORY. Yet, in College Football, it tends to end your season. How can you tell me that teams to the likes of USC and Ohio State are #1 year in and year out. Have you seen the caliber of their competition? They HAVE NO competition. They are able to remain undefeated all year and win the title.
80% of the SEC could romp both of these teams season after season, but they never get the opportunity because they lose a couple times a year to other QUALITY SEC TEAMS.

by Donnie on Feb 28, 2007 9:15 AM EST reply actions