Fulmer Cup updates for your stuck-at-work-ass:

Big Blue in the ’80s. Microsoft in the go-go nineties. We’re feeling the Mad Money funk when we say that no one, no one, and we mean no one has been more consistently reliable in Fulmer Cup race than steady yet spectacular Ohio University. Though robbed of a championship last year thanks to slow but impressive work by Marshall, they open scoring with a flurry of activity just now summarized for your perusal in the Athens News. (HT: Devil Grad and Chuck.)

A fight at a local Wendy’s involving two Ohio players sounds as if it were ripped straight from Ricky Manning’s Guide To Random Social Interactions:

A witness who identified Hodge to police officers said Tuesday that Hodge and Hubbard acted drunk and belligerent inside the fast-food restaurant. The witness, who was interviewed by police and filled out a witness statement, asked not to be identified for this story to avoid any repercussions.

“Ernie was up in this punkish-looking guy’s face,” the witness recalled. “Ernie pushed him, and the guy fell into tables at Wendy’s. Ernie punched him, and then (Hubbard) punched him.”

Ricky Manning, nerd-beater, surely approves.

Adding up the charges summarized in the crack article from the News:

Ernie Hodge, freshman DL: obstructing official business and underage consumption. Two points.

Horace Hubbard, freshman DL: fifth-degree felony vandalism. Reader Chuck notes, and does so rather excitedly: “Added bonus: three days before the vandalism incident, Hubbard was cited for possession of marijuana.” The charges combine for two points, since a fifth-degree felony is really like a third-degree compliment, really.

Marcellis Williamson, freshman DL: Charged with possession of paraphernalia, driving under suspension, and a headlight infraction. We’ll call that two points, since busted taillights aren’t really all that bad. (Can you tell we have one right now? Of course you can.)

Ohio leaps in with a six point weekend, taking this whole shebang by the short hairs for now. Scoreboard of sorts to come tomorrowish.

Wisconsin offensive coordinator Paul Chryst, architect of one of the Big Ten’s most powerful and righteous offenses, will remain with the Badgers after a brief flirtation with the Dallas Cowboys.

Badgers head coach Bret Bielema said one of the following quotes regarding Chryst’s anticipated and much-welcomed return. Pick the right quote, and win an EDSBS prize!*

“We love him. Unconditionally. We think the guy walks on water.”

“He does the work of…well, not two people. It’s more like he’s three guys wrapped up in one for us.”

“If he left, we were going to blame the usual suspects. By that, I mean the Jews, of course.”

“”I’m very pleased Paul will be staying with our program,” Badgers coach Bret Bielema said in a statement. “It’s a testament to all he has done here that an organization like the Cowboys would be interested in him.”

“Chryst working for the Cowboys? Did you see what God did to Tony Romo? No way he’s working for them.”

Wisconsin: Chryst returning. Repent, heathens.

*The official EDSBS Esteem and Respect Prize. Cash value? Zero or less.

Paraphrasing Brian during what he called our “heated” discussion on SEC recruiting practices: what does happen to the guys in an SEC recruiting class (or by extension, any college football recruit pool) who sign a letter of intent but don’t complete their full term of eligibility? “They’re probably not going to Harvard,” was Brian’s quote.

A transfer to Bethune-Cookman may not be Harvard…but their band whips the Crimson’s ass.

Well, if they’re not joining the melange of cash-bleeding legacies, genuine braniacs, and token Hollywood admissions on famous scholarships at dear old Harvard, where do football recruits who sign letters of intent end up if not at Senior Day holding mom’s hand in front of eighty thousand witnesses?

We looked at Florida’s ‘02 and ‘03 classes to outline the eccentric, unpredictable, and as often equally mundane fates of [NAME REDACTED]’s prize recruiting classes. Real life and a modicum of research will always upset your assumptions, and this was no exception to that rule.

Class of 2002: 21 signees.

Not a jumbo-sized class by any stretch of the imagination for Florida. (Tennessee signed 87 recruits this year in comparison. Look it up–it’s in the Bible.) We’ll begin by counting the players who actually finished their eligibility, a different concept than “graduated,” mind you, but for simplicity’s sake we’ll leave it there for now.

Remember: this is more about how many scholarship athletes will actually get their four years of commitment honored, and not about graduation rates since we’re trying to get a quick-slice look at how scrupulous or unscrupulous a university is being by offering large numbers of scholarships to academically sketchy kids. (And there are a few in here, by the way.)

Guys who actually finished eligibility:

Nick Brooks: Finished eligibility. Never really made an impact of any sort.

Jemalle Cornelius: outstanding slot wideout on national champs. (more…)

It’s been busy at the ferret ranch this week. Pardons for the lateness.

And in conclusion–whose remarks you may find in the 458 page addendum… A happy salute to T. Kyle at Dawg Sports, who crossed the year mark at his new blog digs. As college football’s most verbose blogger, we found his 206 word post on the topic a bit short. Despite his unusual restraint, we salute him with his favorite slice of cheesecake, the only cast member of Sex and the City with proper behind: Kristin Davis.

Badonkadonk is too strong. Serviceable hiney, perhaps?

We’re very concerned about academics…and a fifteenth game. The Wiz says Jim Delany, whose online, bitch-o-cratic broadside against the SEC started much online fooferaw, is among those in the Big Ten looking into extending the regular season into December. For academic purposes only, we’re sure.

Delany, seen here saying something about academic integrity.

Al Groh-ll bounce….ahhhhhh SKATE! Ian, late of Sexy Results and one of the five funniest writers on the planet when not lawyering, reminds us that spring is the most bittersweet of times for the UVA fan: a crap season finished, yet a disproportionate number of Cavaliers going in the draft. Ah, for the pleasure of being called a “homeless man’s Brian Leonard.”

Offseason Coping Technique #35767: Compulsion. One More Dying Quail is playing their way through a mock playoff and documenting every last thumbstroke of the affair. Don’t act like you did this and just didn’t write it down. We see that Burt’s Bees lip gloss, too. Don’t try and tell us it’s “manly lip balm for fishermen and stuff.” It’s lip gloss, and no amount of denial will change that.

Brian Stouffer, Court Artist. Brian’s got the best summary of what happened at the Charlie Weis mistrial, and it’s splashproof monitor-safe only.

Your flag football game will not be this cool. We’re thinking of starting a flag football league, but are intimidated by our local competition in the Atlanta area. If they’re playing this song during the whole thing, we’ll be too busy walking it out and doing the Bankhead Bounce to run our gunknife offense effectively.