COACHING VACAYS, 2007 CONT'D: PETE CARROLL, HUMANITARIAN

by Orson on Feb 21, 2007 3:12 PM EST

We continue bringing you the latest on coaching vacation season whether you like it or not.

Location: New York City, New York. EDSBS correspondent Dexter Bristol reporting.

Pete Carroll, noted humanitarian, addressed the United Nations today as part of his offseason work as an unofficial ambassador of the United Nations and guest representative of the United States at its headquarters in NYC.

"It's such a blast to be here to talk to all of you," said Carroll, still wearing his headset with permission from United Nations security personnel. "I'm just so psyched. Hey, look there's a guy from Ghana. I don't even know where that is! But wherever it is, I'm sure it's awesome."

Pete Carroll, noted humanitarian, addressing the United Nations.

Carroll took the opportunity to advocate for increased humanitarian intervention by the United Nations around the world.

"Wherever there's humanitarian things going on, and humanitarian-type work to be done, I'll be there. And you should be, too, because that's what being a humanitarian is all about: being around humans and humanitarianness."

Carroll also addressed the special needs of African nations, bringing in his football background to make his point.

"I'd like to have a special moment of recognition for our African brothers and sisters, especially to the delegation from Nigeria. In football, we preach that the team is only as strong as its weakest link, which means the whole world is only as strong as Africa is. And judging by the size of the Nigerian delegation, wooo! are we strong. And just imagine how strong we'd be if they all had food! And fast! As strong and fast as, say, a prize running back or linebacker should be. I encourage you all to support more aid to Africa in the form of high-protein shakes and supplements."

Carroll continued:

"Another special concern of mine is the welfare of the Polynesian islands, known to you political types as the Oceanic nations. Most people point to obesity being a problem there, generating people of tremendous size. But isn't the real problem in our self-image? Despite their weight, the people of Polynesia--um, especially American Samoa and Hawaii--demonstrate remarkable dexterity and agility. Instead of making them live up to our absurd, narrow standards of physical beauty, let's celebrate their girth--nay! We must encourage it."

Carroll concluded his speech by announcing that he would be available for autographs in the lobby with his good friends Will Ferrell, Dominique de Villepin, and Xzibit.

Pete Carroll: making sure the Konishikis of tomorrow aren't snuffed out by negative self body-imaging.

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Amazing that he has time for this, given all of his other humanitarian efforts to secure low rent for his underprivileged players.

by HFS on Feb 21, 2007 3:32 PM EST reply actions

Pete Carroll fights for the poor anywhere, HFS.

by Orson Swindle on Feb 21, 2007 3:32 PM EST reply actions

Orson – would his humanitarianism be increased if one of those suffering Africans ran a 4.3 40 with good hands?

by Signal to Noise on Feb 21, 2007 4:49 PM EST reply actions

Pete Carroll is not NOT recruiting through his humanitarian work, though he is just freaking astonished at the size of those Nigerians over there.

by Orson Swindle on Feb 21, 2007 4:58 PM EST reply actions

waiting breathlessly for the “Charlie Weis visits the All-You-
Can-Eat-Buffet Hall of Fame in Branson” post

by SergeantHulka on Feb 21, 2007 5:02 PM EST reply actions

Last seen boarding a tall ship out of Shreveport, flanked by a team of cartographers, Mike Leach is rumored to be scouring the depths of the Caribbean, in hopes of salvaging some booty.

Please don’t confuse this voyage with Mike Price’s booty hunt, which is of an entirely different nature.

by Philly Gator on Feb 21, 2007 5:16 PM EST reply actions

What about [NAME REDACTED]? Is he filling in for a shrink somewhere, professing his “excitement” over the “improvement” of some nutcase who is “getting better and better every week”.?

by Hook'em Tide on Feb 21, 2007 5:25 PM EST reply actions

I believe Karl Dorrell is sitting quietly on his plastic-enshrouded living room couch, enjoying a nice cheese sandwich and a Fresca while basking in the glow of an especially poignant My Three Sons rerun.

by Sam on Feb 21, 2007 5:31 PM EST reply actions

“Pete Carroll is not NOT recruiting….”

As soon as he finds out where Ghana and the other gold coast countries are expect him to turn the next african soccer star into a 5 star, second string CB.

by tzubear on Feb 21, 2007 6:12 PM EST reply actions

Pete left his headset on so he could hear the simultaneous translation of his own speech into French. He’s quite the renaissance man.

by DevilGrad on Feb 21, 2007 6:22 PM EST reply actions

I had my girth day last month. It wasn’t very fun and Mark Mangino stole my girthday cake.

by Todd Noelle on Feb 21, 2007 7:10 PM EST reply actions

As soon as he finds out where Ghana and the other gold coast countries are expect him to turn the next african soccer star into a 5 star, second string CB.

Hey, if Slappy can have a Liberian playing in East Lansing, anything’s possible.

Besides, what would you rather have: a bunch of Spanish twats making monkey noises at you on a wet Sunday night in Vigo, or access to “appreciative” sorority sisters with the sexual mores of a bonobo in balmy Los Angeles.

by DC Trojan on Feb 21, 2007 7:20 PM EST reply actions

Carroll gets lots of mocking for that website but it was done by a USC undergrad trying to get a web business going. And obviously the site is over the top but PC really does do some good work using the prestige of the football team to connect with and help out kids in the ’hood around USC (and not just the ones with sporting potential).

by oc phil on Feb 21, 2007 7:35 PM EST reply actions

That’s Pete Carroll for you, performing humanitarian work AND out-recruiting other coaches all over the world. If he can’t beat Urban Meyer recruiting in the U.S., he’ll travel to Africa and the many islands of the Pacific to get those hard to find 5 stars. Now that’s a great coach.

by Jeff from LA on Feb 21, 2007 8:09 PM EST reply actions

Threadjack….

Check the current issue of SI (with Lou Pinella on the cover)

Seems SI is going to rip off your Fulmer Cup idea and call it “SI’s Legal Leader Board”. Check page 22.

by Darkknight on Feb 21, 2007 8:55 PM EST reply actions

As a man who drew a check from SI for 18 months, I feel like I can finally say this: fuck ‘em. God, I hate SI. That being said, if I were in their position, I’d steal the idea, too. We sportswriters are such a bunch of assholes.

by Newspaper Hack on Feb 22, 2007 12:11 AM EST reply actions

The reports are sketchy, but Nick Saban seems to have boarded a tramp stearmer leaving for South America to take part in the pain rituals of the Jivaros.

by OhioDawg on Feb 22, 2007 9:01 AM EST reply actions

Any chance we’ll see a “52 Reasons Why SI Sucks” post from EDSBS?

by Geaux Irish on Feb 22, 2007 9:36 AM EST reply actions

1. They’re thieving bastards.
2. They’re thieving bastards.
3-50. Etc.
51. Peter King still draws a paycheck.

by DevilGrad on Feb 22, 2007 9:42 AM EST reply actions

1. They’re thieving bastards.
2. They’re thieving bastards.
3-51. Etc.
52. Peter King still draws a paycheck.

by DevilGrad on Feb 22, 2007 9:42 AM EST reply actions

Orson, in retaliation, you should start an EDSBS “Hex.” Then you could start putting Fulmer on the “Cover” of EDSBS every Thursday until he’s tragically mauled by a lamb that wasn’t really dead when he tried to make chops out of it.

by PeterPumpkinhead on Feb 22, 2007 10:32 AM EST reply actions