Everyday Should Be Saturday

February 21, 2007

COACHING VACAYS, 2007 CONT’D: PETE CARROLL, HUMANITARIAN

We continue bringing you the latest on coaching vacation season whether you like it or not.

Location: New York City, New York. EDSBS correspondent Dexter Bristol reporting.

Pete Carroll, noted humanitarian, addressed the United Nations today as part of his offseason work as an unofficial ambassador of the United Nations and guest representative of the United States at its headquarters in NYC.

“It’s such a blast to be here to talk to all of you,” said Carroll, still wearing his headset with permission from United Nations security personnel. “I’m just so psyched. Hey, look there’s a guy from Ghana. I don’t even know where that is! But wherever it is, I’m sure it’s awesome.”


Pete Carroll, noted humanitarian, addressing the United Nations.

Carroll took the opportunity to advocate for increased humanitarian intervention by the United Nations around the world.

“Wherever there’s humanitarian things going on, and humanitarian-type work to be done, I’ll be there. And you should be, too, because that’s what being a humanitarian is all about: being around humans and humanitarianness.” (more…)



Filed under: Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Pacific 10 Conference, bizarro superman says you're welcome  by Orson Swindle

COACHING VACAYS, 2007

Late February: Recruiting is finished. Spring practice is still a distant possibility. As a D-1 coach, you could either loll around the alumni club circuit and add several inches to the waistline getting cranked on bourbon and stringy roast beef, or you could do what any sensible person would do: go on vacation.

We’re posting updates from the field all week, using our worldwide network of correspondents to bring you the latest on your coach’s whereabouts and activities whether you want to know them or not.

Hong Kong, EDSBS Correspondent Lap Sing Kok reporting: “Though he originally left Oxford on a plane bound for Hawaii via LAX, this correspondent will confirm the presence of Ole Miss Coach Ed Orgeron, a.k.a. Orgeron the Destroyer, O’Ruption, Curtis Infarction in Hong Kong. He was last seen ducking into a seedy alley in Kowloon, where he was allegedly going to defend his crown in the mysterious Kumite, the mythical fighting championship hosted in our fair city.

Our plant inside managed to snap this picture before his tragic and horrifically swift death.


Very good. But brick not hit back!

More info as it comes in, provided we survive the night…”

Cayo Sombrero, Venezuela. EDSBS Correspondent Pablo Caciques reporting:

“We managed to track down Les Miles and companion, who despite our unplanned interview proved to be a genial and willing interview on the beach. Our dialogue follows:

EDSBS: So, how’s the vacation, Les?

LM: Fuckin’ awesome, man. Just fuckin’ great. Venezuela is the fuckin’ bomb. (more…)



Filed under: Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, bizarro superman says you're welcome  by Orson Swindle

WFV UPDATE: PAT LAZEAR AND RANDY MOSS ON INEXORABLE PATH TO CONFLICT

You might assume Smoothie Kings would have, at most, like seventy bucks in the whole place at any given time. You would be wrong: an approximate answer would be at least $463, the exact total tallied by Pat Lazear, a West Virginia signee and All-Met linebacker out of the Washington area who bravely decided to conduct some “amateur field economics research” by walking into a local Smoothie King, taking the money out of the register, and then leave to count it in the controlled scientific environment of his apartment with the assistance of four friends.

And which university stood up for the bold research methods of young Lazear?

That’s right: West Fuckin’ Virginia. (NT: Nupe in VA.) Lazear is on scholarship to West Virginia following the dust settling around his case. Lazear served ten days in jail, has a ten year suspended sentence, and has paid back the $463 he took as part of his settlement. According to West Virginia’s Rich “I’m not going to coach Alabama, seriously, y’all” Rodriguez:

“We have talked to a number of people, and after a thorough review, I am reassured that Pat Lazear will be a successful student-athlete and a positive member of our university community. We are eager for him to join the Mountaineer family.”

One person who cannot be happy about the commitment is Randy Moss, owner of Inta Juice, a fresh fruit juice and smoothie business in Morgantown, West Virginia. Should Lazear attempt to jack Moss’ straight cash, homey, the response could truly be a disgusting display for the ages.


Moss: mess with the smoothies and die, Lazear.



Filed under: Big East Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, bizarro superman says you're welcome  by Orson Swindle

BEARCATS BRACING AFTER BAREBACK BASH?

Forget that they were the town that once banned a Robert Mappelthorpe exhibit: Cincinnati is just as kinky as any other town in the United States (except for Boise–if you only knew how saddle-sore you can get in Potatotown without ever getting on a horse. HA-ha: numb chundles.)

Their erotic Q rating is enjoying a tumescence lately thanks to University of Cincinnati and their football recruits, who engaged in a totally-not-gay group sex encounter involving current Bearcat football players, recruits, and one brave former female soccer player who played the sexual corollary to Poland in multiple, videotaped acts of sexual European geopolitics. This means she was taken by one power, screwed by another, then thrown back and forth between multiples until she was spent and useless. Being Poland sucks historically, unless we’re talking in sexual metaphors. Then it just might be your kind of thing.


Don’t forget Poland here.

The quote from Cincinnati head coach Brian Kelly:

If anything of the nature described in the allegations did occur, Kelly said, “It’s absolutely inappropriate behavior, period. End of discussion. … That is pretty standard relative to student conduct or even appropriate human-being conduct.”

If the videotape gets out–um, harumphharumph of the yahoo variety if you have a copy–Cincinnati could end up making Colorado’s hookers ‘n cash recruiting strategy of the Gary Barnett era look pretty-kitty tame. It could be worse, though. If Bob Huggins were still coaching there, he would have been the one in the tape visibly hammered and making fierce, drunken, and confused love to a Honeybaked Ham over in the corner.



Filed under: Big East Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, HA-ha., beer, bizarro superman says you're welcome, conan thinks your tailgate is weak, keep it gay, reinhold messner would do it, you've been musbergered  by Orson Swindle

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