EDSBS MOST SUPREME NUTRITIONAL SUPPLEMENT TASTE CHALLENGE: PROTEIN DELITE COOKIES
by Orson on Feb 20, 2007 12:02 PM EST
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PrintIn part two of a series, Orson goes where few dare: the bargain aisle of your local GNC/Legal ‘roids shop, in a series that owes everything to the legendary "Steve, Don’t Eat It" segments from The Sneeze.
We comb the aisles of your local GNC looking for the worst abortions of scientific nutrition so you don't have to, dear reader, in the second part of our extremely sporadic feature...
EDSBS MOST SUPREME NUTRITIONAL SUPPLEMENT TASTE CHALLENGE
Item: Protein Delite Cookies. It's so good, you won't even be able to spell correctly. We bought the chocolate "chip" and peanut butter variety for experimental validity to make sure that all varieties were equally inedible, but opted out of the oatmeal raisin since raisins, by even our liberal definition, are not "food."
But my, that's some dynamic, manly block lettering on that package. It's not just 25 grams of protein unless it announces it in a starburst, as if it were literally bursting out of the package.
Protein-rich cookies. You know this was a good idea.
Initial Impressions. Caught our eye for the simple fact that anything advertising itself as "the best tasting protein supplement snack" begs for testing. Kicks prior contestant "Sylvester Stallone's Power Pudding" for total protein by 5 whole grams, 20 to 25. We also note a disturbing trend among power foods: like Power Pudding, Protein Delites feel like they've been made with added ununoctium or some other superheavy element previously only observable under carefully controlled laboratory conditions.
On opening, the disturbingly heavy cookies smell faintly of whey protein, an odor not unlike that of fresh Play-Doh.
(The similarities, sadly, will continue in the taste and consistency.) They're also very, very hard. We're talking, like, Chips Ahoy! hardness here, but without the promise of hardened sugar and flour. Sitting brick-like in the hand, they're already giving off the sad vibe of Frood, that awful middle ground between food and fraud.
Like weighty discs of pure sorrow: Delites, out of the bag.
Taste: First comes the peanut butter, and the overwhelming impression is...Play-Doh left out to dry on the counter for a few hours. There's whey protein in there, sure, and high, reedy notes of good old reliable Sorbitol and Sucralose to simulate a treacly sweetnes in there. There may actually be peanut in there, too, but it's all lost in the gummy, oddly heavy texture of the cookie. We could be eating a fake cookie. Or building insulation. Or whole chunks of undoctored marzipan. Or pieces of a model train set, really. It's all possible at this point.
The chocolate chip cookie opens the floodgates to real, you-just-killed-my-dog-with-a-lightning-bolt sorrow, though. The same reeky play-doh consistency follows, but with an attempt to put chocolate "chips" in there. We say "chips" because instead of proper fake chocolate they've simply run the whole thing through with ribbons of motor-oil colored fake chocolate syrup. When you hit them, they taste like burnt Sweet 'n Low. If you handed them out on a street corner, the entire city of New York would be paralyzed with despair in a matter of hours.
We finish a quarter of each. TCOAN, helping us in the taste test, spits hers out and announces that this is the first time she's ever spit something out of her mouth. We would like to say that she has threatened us within an inch of our lives if we printed that comment without a warning that yes, it's as bad as it sounds, and yes again, that comment is unfortunately lewd-sounding and sounded just as bad in real life.
We're totally ready to say a hearty fuck-off to Protein Delites when we espy this bit of instruction on the back:
We're shocked that the FDA would allow these to be heated. However, this also eliminates a theory of ours that the cookies are, in fact, low-grade plastic explosive. TCOAN isn't quite buying this, however, and waits at the opposite end of the house while we heat one up in the microwave. No explosions, and no "oven-fresh taste" as promised. Unless we're referring to young roofing tiles just removed from the kiln, in which case they're totally correct. It is the same shitty cookie, just a hot, shitty, and inedible cookie.
Summary Judgement: Driven to tears. The official cookie of voluntary self-euthanasia. The Protein Delite Super Cookie defies nature, and not in that "heavenly, levitating booty" manner, but more in the "OH GOD BRAIN IT WITH A SHOVEL BEFORE IT BREEDS!!!" way.
Emotionally, we're devastated. Spent. Cookies bring joy. Cookies make the sun warm. Cookies are not supposed to leave you sitting on the sentimental ash-heap of life, wondering what could have been...and yet here we are with our Job hat on, covered in regret and sorrow. Fuck you, Protein Delites. Including the therapy and serotonin-reuptake inhibitors you'll need after eating just a half of one, it could be the most expensive cookie you'll ever purchase.
We've got two halves left in our refrigerator. We're saving them for when Galactus comes to devour our planet. If he eats them as an appetizer, his suicide will save the planet, and will be the only possible redemption for Protein Delites.
Galactus couldn't finish a whole one.
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“However, this also eliminates a theory of ours that the cookies are, in fact, low-grade plastic explosive.”
Just to be safe, I’d apply the same rule I’ve always applied to my father-in-law’s klubb recipe and wouldn’t try to carry them through airport security.
by DevilGrad on Feb 20, 2007 12:09 PM EST reply actions
and thus, orson unwittingly unveils the secret of Planetary #19.
by kleph on Feb 20, 2007 12:29 PM EST reply actions
“..Sitting brick-like in the hand, they’re already giving off the sad vibe of Frood, that awful middle ground between food and fraud.”
Well played.
Sounds like they might make handy projectiles, though.
by Signal to Noise on Feb 20, 2007 12:38 PM EST reply actions
Excellent piece! And how you didn’t make a response to TCOAN that resulted in you being within an inch of your life already, shows remarkable restraint.
by Jonathan on Feb 20, 2007 1:06 PM EST reply actions
The “best” part of any protien “food” is the after effects. The type of gas that the German’s could have used to win WWII. The type of gas that forces you to go past being proud of it to the “Oh, my god I AM FUNK!”. Eye watering, nose burning, check your pants gas. I stopped it after my daughter had to be revived by the paramedics.
by brain on Feb 20, 2007 1:09 PM EST reply actions
Not to threadjack….well acutally
Might want to send the big 10 commisioner this link:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17188073/
by crb on Feb 20, 2007 1:53 PM EST reply actions
When the world is running down, will it be the best cookie that’s still around?
by panhandler on Feb 20, 2007 2:20 PM EST reply actions
“Like weighty discs of pure sorrow…”
This is the only site I know of where poetry and testosterone gel so seamlessly.
by Because They Can on Feb 20, 2007 2:23 PM EST reply actions
But Galactus is an elemental being, and his death would bring entropy and the destruction of the universe.
Nerd style.
by SmoothJimmyApollo on Feb 20, 2007 2:47 PM EST reply actions
Orson: What’s the best protein bar at GNC?
GNC clerk: Promax.
Orson: Does it contain the “noble gases”?
GNC clerk: Wha?
Orson: You know, ununoctium, radon, etc. The elements in group 18 of the periodic table.
GNC clerk: Huh?
Orson: Fuck it! I’m outta here. This place is too 19th Century for me. Where’s the NASA health food store?
by SeaTrojan on Feb 20, 2007 2:51 PM EST reply actions
OT update on MAC scheduling clusterfuck:
We’re the only mid-major league in the country that asks an SEC school to forego a trip to a league member in order to force another of our schools to play a road game. Remind me again why we took Temple in off the street — particularly without forcing them to bring basketball along.
http://www.ukathletics.com/index.php?s=&url_channel_id=39&url_article_id=19487&change_well_id=2
by DevilGrad on Feb 20, 2007 2:57 PM EST reply actions
It appears that these cookies are the cornerstone of Joumana Kidd’s divorce filings.
“She claims that Kidd assaulted her while she was pregnant with the couple’s first child and has struck her with everything from a large rock to a cookie.”
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2007/0216073kidd1.html
by The Longhorn Fanbase on Feb 20, 2007 3:03 PM EST reply actions
“Summary Judgement: Driven to tears.”
Why don’t they have a picture of Scut Farkas from “A Christmas Story” on the front, taunting you to eat the whole thing?
What are you gonna cry? Cry baby, cry!!!
and then, the nerd rage follows
by jon on Feb 20, 2007 4:24 PM EST reply actions
maybe you’re supposed to dunk the cookies in a protein shake with similarly awesome packaging, like this one:
http://www.muscletech.com/PRODUCTS/NITRO-Tech/MAIN/nitro_tech.shtml
Although you’d probably just get fatal case of diarrhea.
by ESMjr. on Feb 20, 2007 4:26 PM EST reply actions
Broom – Orson started it with the phrase ‘driven to tears;’ I was just skipping ahead to the second half of that song (or to the next song – DJ’s choice).
(When I was a kid hearing that song I thought Sting was singing some exotic woman’s name in an unknown foreign language: “Dreventutia,” or something. Don’t even ask me what I thought Pete Townshend was saying in “Eminence Front.”)
by panhandler on Feb 20, 2007 5:03 PM EST reply actions
“In the man’s butt!
In the man’s butt!
It’s Grey Poupon!"
We think that’s what we thought it was, Panhandler.
by Orson Swindle on Feb 20, 2007 5:14 PM EST reply actions
This will require some effort, but should be included in any protein bar taste test:
http://www.foodnetwork.com/food/recipes/recipe/0,,FOOD_9936_31336,00.html?rsrc=search
The link is to Alton Brown’s protein bar recipe. I haven’t tried them yet, but I have yet to find a recipe of his that I don’t like.
by Tom on Feb 20, 2007 5:31 PM EST reply actions
Plausible enough, given the vocalist, I guess.
by DevilGrad on Feb 20, 2007 5:37 PM EST reply actions
If it left you emotionally devastated going in, I can’t imagine what it’ll be like coming out. Hope you decide not to share, but if you do here’s a handy chart that’ll help with part two (no pun intended) of the challenge.
by Dinknflicka on Feb 20, 2007 5:46 PM EST reply actions
Wow, hard liquor may give me cholera.
Also, Pac-Man Jones may have shot some people this weekend in the 2nd sketchiest city in America, Las Vegas.
by Kecalf Bailey on Feb 20, 2007 7:16 PM EST reply actions
TCOAN, helping us in the taste test, spits hers out and announces that this is the first time she’s ever spit something out of her mouth.
TCOAN may not be the perfect wife, but she’s come closer than any woman since my wife told me monogamy is unnatural and that she has a crush on Michelle Rodriguez.
by Harris on Feb 20, 2007 9:34 PM EST reply actions
Based on that scale, The Beacon in Spartanburg has given people more cases of cholera than bad water ever did. This includes me about 5 times a year.
by Out of Conference on Feb 20, 2007 9:39 PM EST reply actions
Harris my man, what you have is a 500 lb 6×6 elk in your scope at 75 yards. You can fuck this up by hurrying the shot, making a noise and scaring it off. Or you can just ease into this and realize that you, my friend, could be venturing into the realm of greatness. Take the wife out, find a little latino hottie, tell her that you and your wife are from out of town, buy some drinks for the three of you, get in a few dances, and take the fucking shot!!!
by Out of Conference on Feb 20, 2007 9:45 PM EST reply actions
you, my friend, could be venturing into the realm of greatness
Assuming his wife includes him. Never assume.
by DC Trojan on Feb 21, 2007 9:12 AM EST reply actions
I’ve been leading her to this since we were college freshman so if I screw it up it won’t be for a lack of patience. I have to get her over her fear of threesomes. I’m thinking we should go to Hedonism for our anniversary. Or buy a Real Doll.
by Harris on Feb 21, 2007 9:31 AM EST reply actions
I mentioned testosterone and poetry. To that I’ll add geeketry, latin threesomes, Sting, Hedonism, WWII Germans, elk hunting analogies, Real Dolls, and, of course, the Bristol Stool Chart. That kind of range seems improbable, yet occurs on this site with amazing regularity.
Speaking of regularity, it would seem that I’ve covered the entire spectrum of the Bristol Chart in the space of 10 days (without consuming even one Protein Delite). Is that bad?
by Because They Can on Feb 21, 2007 10:06 AM EST reply actions
- Harris: I’ve seen enough Jerry Springer Show episodes to be able to predict that she is going to end up “going with her tonight”, while you will be left at the curb holding the proverbial bag.
By the way, 80% of women are spitters.
by Harvey Wireman on Feb 21, 2007 11:11 AM EST reply actions
#29, is that your field observation or is that from a reliable source like Penthouse?
by Broom on Feb 21, 2007 1:45 PM EST reply actions
The words, “Dirty Sanchez” would make this the best blog ever.
by Out of Conference on Feb 21, 2007 4:58 PM EST reply actions
Whoa Harris… you only get one shot with this “Monogomy is unatural” thing and you’re playing the wrong angle. Screw the threesome. If she wants to play with women, let her… just as long as you get to play with women, too… separately. Trust me. Learn from the mistakes of others.
by PeterPumpkinhead on Feb 21, 2007 5:26 PM EST reply actions
Harris,
A certain New York Times writer has an alleged solution to your problem: a dual induction massage. Whoever appears the most resistant to the threesome would get a simultaneous massage from the other two. Then the two women rotate and the second woman gets her simultaneous massage. Last, you lie down and get the simultaneous massage from the two women and, at this point, there should be enough sexual tension in the room for the women to start making out. Remember the dual induction aspect. e.g. one person is massaging the middle Right back, the other is massaging the middle Left back at the same time, and so on, etc.
It might be best to spring this spontaneously whenever there is a second woman at your place as opposed to trying to formally set up a threesome with your wife beforehand. Best of luck.
by SeaTrojan on Feb 21, 2007 5:27 PM EST reply actions
- - Broom,
The spittin’ percentage is based on Pepper Schwartz’ 1983 book, American Couples, which included a survey of 6,000 American couples. The writer is a prof at Univ of Washington and past president of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sex. The figure seems legit.
by Harvey Wireman on Feb 22, 2007 9:09 AM EST reply actions
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