And now, after a generously late starting time, the continuing saga of…

Don Frank, a.k.a. Frank Broyles, Arkansas’ retired semi-legendary coach and longtime AD, will be retiring after the calendar year 2007. Events on the rancho happened very quickly: the retirement came after a meeting of the board of trustees in executive session, which is Robert’s Rules-speak for “the time when we close doors, say whatever the hell we feel like, and actually start getting things done.”

Broyles has been the biggest patron–lo siento, El Patron Mas Grande!–for Boss Hawg, a.k.a. Houston Nutt. Nutt made it back to the SEC Championship Game this year after winning ten games during the regular season and pounding the daylights out of Auburn at home, one of those games you’ve likely forgotten about that really, really changed the way people saw a Tigersplainsmenwareagle team pegged by many to be a national title contender. (You no stop off-tackle, you no win national title.)

The debacle began with the defeat in the SEC title game and Mustaingate, the lass pictured above who was the blue chip in Nutt’s bonnet in 2006 recruiting. After hiring Mustain’s high school coach to revolutionize the Arkansas offense, Nutt slowly reeled in Gus Malzahn, benching Mustain and marginalizing the spread attack until the Arkansas offense looked a lot like the run run punt attack Nutt has trademarked at Fayetteville. Nutt then loses Malzahn, may have lost Mustain, aggravated a parent revolt with his retrograde offensive moves, and went on a local talk radio show to slam a columnist who he believed wrote inaccurate things about him…which were, of course, mostly true.

What happens next? If this follows the telenovela, we will have:

–Boss Hawg, impassioned with desperate love, impregnating the buxom maid.

–Don Frank, clinging to the rancho, making a desperate bid to get back the ranch by searching for Trotsky’s lost gold in the hills with the treacherous vagabond Jackie Sherrill.

–Gus Malzahn, trapped in Tulsa, woos Mustain with roses and mementoes of their formerly glorious love.

–Arkansas boosters mass at the gates of the rancho, torches in hand.

All this story needs is Bee Man.


The next offensive coordinator at Arkansas? The whole thing makes him queasy.