Not quite through raging about the clock rules. If we’re very concerned about maximizing profit and coordinating with television partners, then we should be more than serious about it.

Our proposals:

1. The CSI First Down Line for SEC broadcasts: rather than simply show the line and the crew stretching the first down marker toward the spot, let’s have a full, CSI-style zoom in on the grass, the flecks of dirt, the ball looming huge like a zeppelin from the ant’s eye perspective. Complete the scene with jumpy edits and the disgusting sound of tiny bug jaws chewing up their prey. Finish each microzoom with the Roger Daltrey YEAAAAAAYYYYYY from CSI: Miami


We’d even work in David Caruso, if allusions to anything alcoholic were allowed on college broadcasts.

2. For Fox Broadcasts: combine the success of When Animals Attack with sideline reporting, forcing microphone-toting newbies to prove their mettle by broadcasting live while being attacked by an animal chosen by viewer votes. “To see Leslie fight a surly warthog, text *34 on your Cingular Wireless phone.” Remember: Fox hates you.

3. The FedEx Express Twofer: Making a two point conversion takes five minutes off the clock in the second half. Extra time will be filled in with bonus coverage of ABC’s new sitcom Unattractive Man With Inexplicably Hot Wife Makes Mistake And Has To Cover It Up in 22 Minutes.

4. Allstate can sponsor the Dennis Haysbert “Are You In Good Hands Varsity For A Day” contest, where a lucky fan (only after signing a mountain of waivers) is allowed to play for a series for a team at the position of their choice during the second quarter. They cannot opt out, and by purchasing a ticket have in fact already consented to the possibility that they will find themselves playing fullback in front of 80,000 people for five minutes. They must wear a blue all-contact Allstate jersey the whole time.

We really want this to happen in all sports just to illustrate just how hard they really are, especially during the Olympics. Ski-jumping. Pommel horse. Boxing. The possibilities are endless, especially in the vault. See evidence below.

5. The Trojan Magnum Deep Penetration Replay. Speaks for itself, really. Big pass play or huge sack (heh) gets the Trojan Magnum Deep Penetration Replay, accompanied with hotkey “oooooh” from a ladies’ voice.

6. The Brent Musburger Cold One Alert. Each time a player makes a particularly vicious and cold-hearted hit or tackle, the sound of a popping top plays, accompanied with Brent Musburger saluting the screen and saying “HE JUST POPPED A COLD ONE, DIDN’T HE JACKAARRROOOOO? REMEMBER, THAT’S ANOTHER BRENT MUSBURGER COLD ONE, BROUGHT TO YOU BY ANDY LAURINITIS!!!” Note: does not specifically mention beer, or even correctly identify Musburger’s current broadcast partner, which is exactly what will happen on the screen anyway. Paid for by the combined breweries of America, and they might as well, since we’re pretty certain Brent does his own in-house version of this anyway.


Brent: having a cold one alert whether you like it or not.