OPEN LETTER FROM YOUR RECENTLY SIGNED RECRUIT

by Orson on Feb 8, 2007 12:12 PM EST

Dear student body of [YOUR UNIVERSITY'S NAME HERE],

I would first like to thank you for the warm welcome I have received since signing with your university. It's not often an 18 year old gets the chance to have sex eleven times in a 24-hour span with anyone but himself, much less with a gang of disease-free ladies with such a dizzying array of techniques, preferences, skills, and battery operated devices illegal in six states. I would personally like to thank the three generous Latina ladies who helped me pull off the "Lotus Spinning While Riding Nandi to Brahmaputra" manuever, or whatever the hell that thing was. That shit was loco!. I am now forever a convert to culo caliente, and plan to spend my leisure time rutting my way through the Hispanic Students Association con aficion, bitches. (See? That AP Spanish credit was for real, Myles Brand. Holla at ya nino.)

Huevos Rancheros for me for the next three years, y'all.

(If you have any questions for my prostate, it is on vacation, having just run its own version of the NFL combine. It should be back on Friday to address your inquiries. )

As warm as the welcome wagon has been, I would like to talk for a few minutes about a few things I intend to do while attending your university.

First, I promise to astonish you with my muscular development. My calves will jump out of my legs like electrified cornish game hens when I make the slightest movement. My biceps will flutter under my shirt as I stretch outside of study hall. Even my eyebrows will flex with a might your puny, mortal soul will flinch in envy and fear at. The little caveman in your brain is saying that back in the day, your children would be mine, I'd steal your cave, and your girl would be jocking mine on a sabretooth tigerskin rug fireside while you froze outside and waited for the jackals to finish you off. And you would be right.

Second, I promise to give nothing but the most lackadaisical of efforts to my classes.

I will sip protein shakes in the back of "Growing Fruit for Fun And Profit;" I will stuff burritos in uninterrupted chains down my gullet in "Hispanic Studies" (3 credits!) at Mamacita Flores Mexican Restaurant across the street; and lastly, I will play Madden on my PSP in the back of Fundamentals of Mathematics, and you will stand in awe as I thrash fellow recruit Cro Beardsley of Glendale, California with the lowly Arizona Cardinals. (You want math? Me plus the Buzzsaw= infinite losses for you and yourz in the Maddendome. And that's real.)

If you're looking for me in any of these classes, I'll be the one with a protein shake in one hand and a hefty 12-inch Idongivafuck sandwich in the other.

Third, I plan on repping to the fullest in whatever temporary, open-for-this-season-only club my football teammates frequent, despite the fact that I am 19, underage, and likely not supposed to drink alcohol under my training regimen. I will get into at least one fight of dubious cause and yet avoid having the incident enter the public record. Moreover, I will astonish you with my dance moves, including my fantastic Matrix (strictly clownin'), my heartstopping two-step, and most impressive of all, my bewitching Shoulda Lean. Again, should you want to find me, I'll be the one dumpin' and punkin' monkeys at (Single, flammable word like "FUEL" or "Blaze"), Club (your area code here), or someplace named something like "Shankey's Hideaway."

My girl got a girlfriend.

Fourth, I plan to stay frosty. Just warning y'all. The car is my mother's, and she likes her screens to drop and just kill all the haters, too; where do you think I inherited my fine appreciation of haterevader technology? She just lets me use it. Every. Day. The bling is not fake, and I am willing to risk suspension during the two meaningless opening games of the season if I am accused of wearing ersatz ear candy by your punk ass.

Lastly, my apartment shall look like I held Ty Pennington at gunpoint and convinced him that it was not me, but instead a needy 26 member immigrant family living in it, and that the refit best include two flat screens or someone's ass is gonna get an Extreme Makeover they won't forget.

Say aloha to my new friend.

In conclusion, I thank you for the welcome, and invite you to say hello when you see me on campus, and that unless you are purple ribbon fine, you may not ride in the White Light, a.k.a. my my mother's amazing Tahoe. (You see the white light, you die, right? That's what happens when you see my--um, mom's car.) If you are fine, you may ride both the car and the Octagon. That's right. I just dropped an Anchorman reference without sweating.

That's just how complex I am.

Yours,

(Insert recruit's name here.)

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Comments

If you have any questions for my prostate, it is on vacation, having just run its own version of the NFL combine. It should be back on Friday to address your inquiries.

Coffee. Meet monitor.

by Maize n Brew Dave on Feb 8, 2007 12:23 PM EST reply actions

Where can I pick up one of those sandwiches? Would it be made with real cheese stolen from Tennessee?

by Geaux Irish on Feb 8, 2007 12:28 PM EST reply actions

Are you sure a recruit wrote that? It sure sounds an awful lot like the Open Letter that Coach Meyer wrote back in 2005.

I’m just sayin’.

by Aerobab on Feb 8, 2007 1:02 PM EST reply actions

Shankey’s Hideaway…otherwise known as “Moondogs” in Atlanta.

by Brian on Feb 8, 2007 1:11 PM EST reply actions

Wait a minute, I didn’t know Will Leitch signed with somebody.

by italiangator on Feb 8, 2007 1:16 PM EST reply actions

A turn of phase one generally avoids when talking about 18 years olds:

‘No doesn’t always mean no, so you keep pushing"

[NAME REDACTED]

by canuck on Feb 8, 2007 1:30 PM EST reply actions

Special UGA sentence: “And I guarantee I will be arrested at least one time while driving/stealing Mudcat’s car.”

by Dawg 05 on Feb 8, 2007 1:33 PM EST reply actions

Brian/#4, Moondogs is unrivaled by any pathetic hideaway! Where else can you take a shot with Reggie Ball, take a piss while looking up at porn, and be greeted with the fresh smell of vomit every time??

by JG on Feb 8, 2007 1:36 PM EST reply actions

To whom it may concern:

This attempt at humor is sick. I can read between the lines and realize that it is meant to mock myself and my style of coaching and recruiting.

Well…Fuck off! I am no longer employed at that piece of garbage university on the river that was too close to Kentucky for my liking.

Go to hell, whoever wrote this.

Coach Bob H.

by Bob H. on Feb 8, 2007 1:39 PM EST reply actions

kiwi on huevos rancheros!?!! BLASPHEMY!

by kleph on Feb 8, 2007 1:47 PM EST reply actions

I bet this recruit would use a Rick Ross lyric as his senior quote.

by AUAlum on Feb 8, 2007 1:50 PM EST reply actions

AUAlum
“Who ever thought that fat girl would grow into Oprah
Or that boy Rick Ross will be moldin the culture
I push and i push
We breakin the mold
We push and we push
We breaking the hold”
- Ricky Ross

Also shoutout to Peanut, Roofie, Nuk Nuk, Trap, Chick, Quent, and Alabaster.

by Chili on Feb 8, 2007 2:09 PM EST reply actions

That had better be a 1080p, I got [name redacted] on speed dial.

by maskedavenger on Feb 8, 2007 2:10 PM EST reply actions

would be nice if we used this to do a little better in the recruiting effort.

by Rabid Badger on Feb 8, 2007 2:16 PM EST reply actions

Recruits at Da U know Noriega…the real Norieaga, he own them like a hundred favors

by juanmiguel on Feb 8, 2007 2:25 PM EST reply actions

Always though Rick Ross was either cheating or totally brilliant in this verse. Still unsure which one it is:

Don’t tote no 22s, magnum cost me 22
Sittin on them 22s, birds go for 22(10)
Lil mama super thick, she say she 22
She see them 22’s, we in room 222

Rhyming the same thing seven times in a row. Wow.

by Orson Swindle on Feb 8, 2007 2:32 PM EST reply actions

Slight modification for USC signees: “I would also like to thank Matt L. for showing me around on my trip, and his Hollywood harem.”

by Signal to Noise on Feb 8, 2007 2:35 PM EST reply actions

Additional slight modification for USC-“I would also appreciate it if you would not tell anyone that my family is living for free at a plush mansion with unlimited car access, and I’m not going to pay for anything while I’m here”

by bhors on Feb 8, 2007 3:00 PM EST reply actions

Shankey’s Hideaway = Pavlov’s in Columbia, SC.

Fantastic post.

by GamecockTony on Feb 8, 2007 3:14 PM EST reply actions

Bhors- “and really, why should I (the recruit), pay for anything”

Aerobab- very nice. I believe Meyer was a little more suble. Refering to "positions such as the lotus spinning…. as “formation changes, audibles and line shifts”, but other than that its the same letter.

“Myles Brand. Holla at ya nino”

very nice orson, but I prefer it as ’Myles brand: holla at ya nino, Que, Que!

by tzubear on Feb 8, 2007 3:15 PM EST reply actions

I predict that Rick Ross takes over Luther Campbell’s former role as unofficial ambassador of the football team and leads Da U back to its dominant ways.

Randy Shannon won’t save your program, but Ricky Ross will.

by AUAlum on Feb 8, 2007 3:22 PM EST reply actions

I’ve never seen Reggie Ball there. Although Im pretty sure that Travis Bell has his own personal hangover cot in the back somewhere.

by Brian on Feb 8, 2007 3:24 PM EST reply actions

I always thought the Columbia, SC version of Shankey’s was Flipside.

by rob on Feb 8, 2007 3:26 PM EST reply actions

12-Inch Idongiveafuck Sandwich is my new cockname. Move over Little Piper, you’re being replaced with something far more boastful.

by RowdyRoddyPiper on Feb 8, 2007 3:43 PM EST reply actions

Mine’s nicknamed Peterbilt. LIke tha truck. The other name is “The Committee.”

Is LSU the only school to have it’s own on campus escort service for recruits? They are called the Bengal Belles. Always wondered if lots of cucumbers were used for their orientation.

by MCab on Feb 8, 2007 4:04 PM EST reply actions

living for free at a plush mansion

Ah yes, the “generic subdivision house that’s about 3000 square feet” mansion.

Seriously though, plainly Reggie wasn’t thinking this through; when the people trying to bribe you can’t come through with a joint that’s better than middle-management material, find some new crooks.

by DC Trojan on Feb 8, 2007 4:14 PM EST reply actions

bhors, the “I’m not going to pay for anything while I’m here” is repetitive. Assumptions have already been made.

by Signal to Noise on Feb 8, 2007 4:39 PM EST reply actions

As for the recruiting escort service, Texas has the Texas Angels. I think orientation includes riding Bevo. Yes, like that.

by Charles on Feb 8, 2007 4:51 PM EST reply actions

I thought they eliminated the campus recruit skanks from every school. And btw, from the looks of the website, the Bengal Belles are 45 year old fat alumni.

by Brian on Feb 8, 2007 5:02 PM EST reply actions

“the Bengal Belles are 45 year old fat alumni”

yes, but they have a shiny new mercades.

by tzubear on Feb 8, 2007 5:26 PM EST reply actions

Dear Student Body of Mississippi State University,

Thanks fo lettin me rock No. 2. I figure you got to look good to play good, and I don’t look good with double digits on my chest. I gots to rock my no. 2. So thanks for that.

Love,

Robert Elliott
“The Deuce Rocker”

by RaginCajunRebel on Feb 8, 2007 6:36 PM EST reply actions

#22

You’re right; he certainly is a fixture there, but he’s standing on leased property from one-JG. Im surprised youve never seen Reggie there! He can been seen there on Saturday nights, stroking his sweet-stache, thinking about how cool it’ll be to play football in MSG…

by JG on Feb 8, 2007 6:56 PM EST reply actions

Indoor Plumbing Dept.:

DC Trojan, Comment No. 26: I think that for some ’Bama fans, a house with indoor plumbing is considered a mansion.

by Stacy Keibler Loves Me on Feb 8, 2007 7:25 PM EST reply actions

This one is for JG: Me and Travis Bell at Moondogs.

http://www.ramblinracket.com/images/admin/ClassyAlumni.jpg

by Brian on Feb 8, 2007 10:23 PM EST reply actions

Hey, RCR
If the guy wants to rock Smoot’s number, he better have Smoot’s game. ..(Yes, like that.)

The demanding of single digits was the least weird part of the recruitment, apparently.

by jakldawg on Feb 8, 2007 10:54 PM EST reply actions

I can only imagine what an exausting few weeks it has been on the once delicate loins of our beautiful Gator Getters. They deserve our sincere thanks and some ice.

by DaveP on Feb 8, 2007 11:35 PM EST reply actions

SKLM,

BURN!

by RIP Logan Young on Feb 9, 2007 12:01 AM EST reply actions

Additional slight modification for USC-"I would also appreciate it if you would not tell anyone that my family is living for free at a plush mansion with unlimited car access, and I’m not going to pay for anything while I’m here"

Come on, now. Petie has learned his lesson. Now he just has that former player coincidentally on speakerphone when highly-touted recruits walk by on their way to church.

by SergeantHulka on Feb 9, 2007 12:08 PM EST reply actions

Everyone at Georgia Tech goes to Moondogs, but you’re not supposed to say you enjoy it after freshman year.
I am clueless as to why Brian is proud of the fact that he once asked Travis Bell for a picture.

by Reggie's Advisor on Feb 9, 2007 1:02 PM EST reply actions

And people wonder why Joe McKnight chose USC over LSU … the mansion, silly.

by Briney Mac on Feb 9, 2007 2:36 PM EST reply actions

No, no, it isn’t Flipside or Pavlov’s. It’s the defunct “Rafters.” Jermaine O’Neal tried to get in there one time but they wouldn’t let him or his entourage in because they were wearing jerseys.

What did he do?

Went to Group Therapy instead.

by Newspaper Hack on Feb 9, 2007 5:05 PM EST reply actions