FULMER CUP SCORE! ANY STORY WITH "MEMPHIS" AND "10 LB. BAG OF MARIJUANA" IS A GOOD ONE.
by Orson on Feb 2, 2007 4:05 PM EST
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PrintThe headline bears repeating: any story involving "Memphis" and "10 Lb Bag of Marijuana" is going straight to the top of the site. This represents a matter of both personal experience and scientific fact forming opinion.
Meeting someone from Memphis, one should go ahead and congratulate them to making it to whatever ripe old age they are, since all residents of Memphis are liable to be eventually caught in the swirling vortex of graft, violence, and mayhem surrounding the city like a fetid puddle. Survival is no guarantee.
If they do live, they will surely either wear an eyepatch, walk with a pegleg, or emerge drastically changed, perhaps sporting a jailhouse tear tattooed beneath their eye and insisting on being called "Red" or "T-Nutz" afterwards. Point being: Memphis is mad sketchy and we know this to be biblical truth.
Science backs us up on our anecdotal evidence, as well. Don't believe us? Well, Mr. Chart says suck it, since Memphis has been scientifically proven to be synonymous with "mad sketchy." Never, ever argue with Microsoft Paint:
Our premise irrevocably proven, we move on to the actual sketchy Memphis story.
FACT [/schrute]: University of Memphis football player Maurice Jones has been suspended from the Tigers' football team for misdemeanor weed possession. (No one smokes pot in Memphis, right? It's weed, lawya.) This arrest comes in connection with the concurrent arrest of two former University of Memphis football players in a theft ring, which is the part of the story we'll rely on really interesting message board innuendo for, and will hold off on for now. Jones suspended, weed possessed, one Fulmer Cup point makes Memphis rust and sag with pride as they enter the college football offseason's Felonious 500.
With the facts out of the way, let's go by the really reliable, interesting stuff: message board innuendo about the case. Again: we spray a whole tub full of ALLEGED ALLEGED ALLEGED solution all over this whole thing. Consult the chart, however, to see if any of this would be surprising.
All excerpted from Inside Tennessee, with our comments in between. Feel free to play "Whoop That Trick" to set the mood.
Evidently the U of Memphis bb players, who live in an exclusive U of Memphis apt, 9 BRs, had 10 50" plasmas. The two Memphis football players broke into their apts, from the rear, lower level, while the team was gone to Hawaii. Playstations, tvs, money, and clothes, yes clothes, were stolen. They, Slim and Prat, kept 2 50 ' Plasmas but sold all the other items.
Whoa. Ten plasma televisions costs more than three dollars and fifty cents, the approximate amount of actual cash benefit an athlete may receive. Then again, perhaps it's standard with the apartment. Note that this apartment--NINE BEDROOMS?--seems more standard than others. (cough allegedly cough)
Pat, (Patrick Elkins, as ID'd in the C-A article)the wealthy white soccer player, whose father is a wealthy dentist, lived in a nice home by himself. One of the fb players got the other one to pick Pat up and while Pat was gone, stole all his valuable items. A female U of Memphis athlete told Pat about Prat and Slim having a 50 " plasma, the other one was hid in the closet. Pat put two and two together. Pat's dad put a private detective on the fb players. Pratt sold some marijuana to one of the undercover guys. Pat's dad then went to the Feds, (yes, the Feds, that's what I was told).
Private detectives on speed dial for a dentist? Again, consult the chart.
In the meantime, Pratt and Slim drove to Houston, 18 hours round trip in one day, and with $3,000 purchased the 10 lb bag of marijuana. When I inquired as to how they could make money off of that high a price paid, I was told that here in Memphis you could get $1,500 for a pound(not an ounce), thus you do the arithmetic. Evidently marijuana is a lot cheaper in Houston.
Good to know. It's amazing what freight costs do to everyday goods these days. If only UPS could get in on this. What can brown do for you? Ride dirty, evidently.
The Memphis basketball players DID NOT report all their items stolen because all these plasmas, clothes, etc had been provided by good local alumni and boosters. Their stolen items were replaced by the boosters. Thus, NO police report.
Again, alleged. But any athletic program where the phrase "NO police report" gets mentioned instantly upgrades itself to Erickson/Switzer Class.
After the dentist got enough evidence, he turned it in to the Feds. Prat and Slim's phone had been tapped. Prat on Tuesday changed his cell phone number so the Feds, some 50, raided Pratt and Slim's apt Wednesday PM at approv 5. Maurice Jones, Memphis wr, was there with blunts, going to smoke a joint, when the door was busted down. With guns drawn, pointed at Slim and MO, they looked around with Mo and Slim praying that they NOT look into the closet. They did. The 10 pounds of marijuana fell out; scales were there. Prat and MO were taken to jail. Since Mo was just going to smoke, he was charged with a misdemeanor and released. Pratt gave himself up and is now in jail with Slim. In the meantime, the basketball players told friends they were going to kill the individuals who stole from them if they could find them.
Again, consult the chart for a reference to where this happened. However, if you found out that your school, whomever may hold the keys to your fanatical heart, was engaged in this, would you blink? And worse yet, if you found out that ex-football players were running weed up from Houston, would you be surprised?
Or better still, would you ask them for their pager number while you're at it? We want to talk to them about...an...alumni function. Yes. An alumni. Function.
Alumni services?
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Michael Irvin is WAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY more sketchy than Nigerian scam artists or the high school coach who sold weed. I’ll bet it was Irvin who stole all those tv’s.
by JAF on Feb 2, 2007 4:15 PM EST reply actions
“I don’t sniff the coke I only smoke the sensimilla”
- Pato Banton
by Chili on Feb 2, 2007 4:18 PM EST reply actions
Ben Matlock should be further to the right. He constantly pushed the limits of hearsay and speculation.
by Proctor on Feb 2, 2007 4:22 PM EST reply actions
But the judge allowed it! And unlike Ron Popeil, he was comfortable with his actual skin color. Ron looks like he’s been spending too much time in front of an open Popeil Rotisserie Oven.
by Orson Swindle on Feb 2, 2007 4:26 PM EST reply actions
I agree with #1. You need to give Michael Irvin (the football equivalent of Dr. Rockso) a bump ahem to the right.
by glacialspeed on Feb 2, 2007 4:35 PM EST reply actions
One thing still baffles me about this – how the hell did Marcus Thomas not go to Memphis?
by peachy on Feb 2, 2007 4:40 PM EST reply actions
Reads like an opening chapter to a John Grisham novel.
by George P. Budell on Feb 2, 2007 4:45 PM EST reply actions
If you’ve never been to Memphis and are still unsure after the flow chart above about what “mad sketchy” means just watch an episode of A&E’s “The First 48”. Sure Miami and Dallas make frequent episode cameos but the cases that happen in Memphis involve all kinds of mad sketchyness.
by rjm on Feb 2, 2007 4:51 PM EST reply actions
Memphis is arch-sketchy, but per capita, it has nothing on pretty much any town in Mississippi. (state law forbids comparison of Mississippi with any other locality except on per capita basis, but you don’t want to necessarily be in certain parts of, say, Vancleave at certain times of day. Or if you happen to be of certain ethnic persuasion(s). Not that you would).
by smq on Feb 2, 2007 4:56 PM EST reply actions
Please note: The eastern suburbs should not be lumped into Orson’s Skeezometer. Germantown and Collierville have long been well-heeled training grounds for the blondes of Ole Miss and Alabama. We had high school sororities, fer cryin’ out loud.
[shame-ON]
I have three credit-hours from Tiger High. Took summer accounting class in which the ex-military guy (whose hearing in one ear had been busted ages ago by an exploding tamale stand down Mexico way — hey, you can’t MAKE this sh-t up) teaching the class refused to allow us to use calculators, relying instead on crumbling yellow paper tables. When was this? Well, the graffiti on the seat in front of mine read “Hardaway, Please Stay!” and I listened to Dada’s “Puzzle” that whole summer… so, ’92?
[shame-OFF]
by panhandler on Feb 2, 2007 4:57 PM EST reply actions
Was that ten pounds of weed purchased from Ramonce Taylor and his Jansport Day Pack?
by Orangeblood on Feb 2, 2007 5:01 PM EST reply actions
Good ’ol Memphica…
I must disagree with panhandler though. 90% of the people I have met from Germantown are pretty damn sketchy in their own suburban white boy way.
All they want to do is get drunk, take drugs, and slash tires.
by Kecalf Bailey on Feb 2, 2007 5:09 PM EST reply actions
Glad to see you can “pull a Rueben Houston” in not just Atlanta but also in Memphis.
by Nathan on Feb 2, 2007 5:11 PM EST reply actions
just awesome, pretty much the best thing ive read all week
by fife on Feb 2, 2007 5:27 PM EST reply actions
I assume New Orleans is way off the chart to the right hand side. Either that or somebody called a moratorium on bashing the “big easy” for a while in honor of the victims of Katrina.
by FishFan-GatorMan on Feb 2, 2007 5:32 PM EST reply actions
Regardless of the issue of the degree of Logan Young’s guilt, never forget that after falling down the stairs of his own home and hitting his head on the finial of the bannister at the bottom and causing enough blunt force trama to kill him, he was still able to fix himself a snack and return UPSTAIRS to his bedroom.
Probably WASN’T thinking clearly, but he KNEW he was hungry.
I don’t ever want to deal with the law in Memphis.
by Boclive on Feb 2, 2007 5:35 PM EST reply actions
Nice reference on #2 Chili…I thought I was the only person in the world who’s listened to Pato Banton.
Gwarn!
by Gator KK on Feb 2, 2007 5:39 PM EST reply actions
Newsflash: The State of Tennessee is hereby issuing a warrant for the arrest of Orson Swindle. The Fulmer jokes pissed them off, and this may have been the last straw. Good thing it’s a pseudonym.
Proctor,
Hearsay and conjecture are kinds of evidence.
by J.J. on Feb 2, 2007 5:49 PM EST reply actions
Didn’t Fred Smith’s kid and QB recruit, CANNON Smith, get busted for possession with intent? (side bar: Is there a better name for a QB recruit? ) He was committed to Ole Miss, but thought he needed to get away from the drug culture. So he’s going to Miami or Hawaii. MIAMI!!!
Oh, and didn’t the Orgeron say he was going to build a fence around Memphis? Maybe he was doing that for public safety purposes.
by Travis Swenson on Feb 2, 2007 5:53 PM EST reply actions
Its a Mid South thing, Orson. Remember, we’re only a few years removed from the amazing drug bust of Jermaine Brooks of Arkansas where nvestigators said they found 7 1/2 pounds of marijuana at Brooks’ off-campus home as well as $16,841 in cash, plus a small armory of rifles and handguns, plus drug paraphernalia.
I’m just waiting for Vegas to issue a line on which Mid-South college will have the next major drug smuggling bust, and the over/under on how many pounds of weed will be involved.
by Will on Feb 2, 2007 6:29 PM EST reply actions
LOGAN & MEANS HAVE TO BE IN YOUR GALLERY ORSON. Shit, I had it on caps lock…
That town is more than strange…one of the suburbs is Whitehaven…just sayin
by Doug on Feb 2, 2007 7:48 PM EST reply actions
They had to run to Houston to get the “Nate Newton” out of the trunk of my car hookup. 213 lbs. and 175 lbs. in about a month out of his trunk.
by Zook Line and Sinker on Feb 2, 2007 7:50 PM EST reply actions
Ah, I LOVE my town. Don’t ever think G-Town or C-Ville are ANY less sketchy than Memphis…….Crazy white folks with money do all kinds of weirdnessm, but they can afford better lawyas….
by sjs1959 on Feb 2, 2007 9:01 PM EST reply actions
- -
I thought the State of Missisippi was building a fence to keep The Orgeron from importing kids from Memphis.
Po-tay-to, Po-tah-to, I expect…
by JD on Feb 2, 2007 10:12 PM EST reply actions
- - Just take a look at SJS now, and imagine what kind of lawyers some (but not all) of those kids can afford now…
by JD on Feb 2, 2007 10:14 PM EST reply actions
so, the only reason I’ve made it to 26 is by having moved away from Memphis at 17?
and the reference to Memphrica made me chuckle and chortle.
I need to get my brother and his family out of collierville while there is still time!!
by Chris on Feb 2, 2007 10:20 PM EST reply actions
Same. Most people in Memphis who live past 18 did because they got as far away as possible.
by Tom on Feb 2, 2007 11:02 PM EST reply actions
Wasn’t it Memphis where the prostitute/aspiring actress murdered a client to steal his cocaine stash— which turned out to be cheese?
by craig mclaughlin on Feb 2, 2007 11:22 PM EST reply actions
Cheese, to make a sandwich.
New Orleans is so sketchy, it is in the invisible portion of the spectrum, like x-rays. Truss me, I live here.
by MCab on Feb 3, 2007 1:46 AM EST reply actions
Re #30, it was Memphis where the
cocaine/cheese mixup happened. I would also like the record to reflect, that while it is not a college football hotspot (though I once saw two Brown students carry a goalpost several miles) no discussion of sketchy is complete without Providence, RI. Buddy Cianci, Leggs and Eggs… I could go on.
by Fesser on Feb 3, 2007 9:31 AM EST reply actions
Well you guys have opened my eyes. I left G’town at 17 myself for the warm climes of UF… and now that I think about it , I don’t actually know a single person in that town anymore, save perhaps a friend’s parents. Hm.
by Panhandler on Feb 3, 2007 10:43 AM EST reply actions
Its saturday morning when I read this. As a native Memphrican I can attest to the sketch factor to this town. I just left my girlfriends house in the High Point Terrace neighborhood, and someone had rummaged thru my jeep and emptied out my glovebox and consol. They didn’t take my Merle Haggard cd though.
by james euart on Feb 3, 2007 11:12 AM EST reply actions
Thanks for the Hustle & flow clip….I have one question, though: what is a fine upstanding Gator like yourself doing taking the word of a TENNESSEE board?
by sjs1959 on Feb 3, 2007 11:21 AM EST reply actions
Something about this, I can’t figure out what, reminds me of a press conference or interview Mike Tyson did before he completely lost his tenuous grip on reality. Someone asked him if his performance had been enhanced by taking steroids, and Iron Mike indignantly replied, “I didn’t take no stereos!” Almost as good as the “fade into Bolivian” comment that came years later.
by Doug on Feb 3, 2007 12:10 PM EST reply actions
NSQ inbound: Popeil looks like the newsmuppet on Fire Mark May.
by MCab on Feb 3, 2007 2:21 PM EST reply actions
RE #11 & #13
Don’t think that Memphis hasn’t rubbed off on Germantown as much as the folk there would like you to think. I used to get my truck washed at a car wash in Germantown. First time there, dude takes my car wash order, takes my keys, and asks me how much weed I need.
by George P. Budell on Feb 3, 2007 2:24 PM EST reply actions
Germantown has, shall we say, shifted in its population over the last 10 years or so
by Chris on Feb 3, 2007 3:02 PM EST reply actions
oh, how i mis the mid south and it’s nuanced forms of “racism”. A few years back while attending U of L (as a phoenix area transplant), I was discussing which bar to go to with some friends and one says “oh we dont wanna go to phoenix hill, it’s pretty dark in there” to which i reply “well, dont you want it to be dark, that way you cant see how ugly the broad you’re going to take home is”… everyone starts laughing, and not at my little joke. “what?” i asked. “they got black people in arizona?” my friend asks….
by tempebamafan on Feb 3, 2007 3:32 PM EST reply actions
oh sweet subtle nuanced racism. and classism. and other isms.
done best in the mid-south without a doubt
by Chris on Feb 3, 2007 4:20 PM EST reply actions
It makes sense at least. In the North everybody just hates everybody the same. In the Deep South you just hate those unlike yourself. In the Mid South you get a nice mixture.
by George P. Budell on Feb 3, 2007 4:27 PM EST reply actions
#26, No – Tennessee is building a fence to keep its tax base from moving to DeSoto County.
by smq on Feb 3, 2007 5:26 PM EST reply actions
so say all of this loses its “alleged” coating, how many fulmer cup points would that total up to?
by John on Feb 3, 2007 8:39 PM EST reply actions
Is my memory failing or is the amount of weed that “possession thereof” constitutes a felony offence ten times higher than it used to be?
Heh, my memory’s failing…
by Boclive on Feb 3, 2007 8:53 PM EST reply actions
I wonder how much of Terrance Keil’s purple nurple drank you can get for $3,000.
by KongHorn on Feb 4, 2007 11:14 AM EST reply actions
no discussion of sketchy is complete without Providence, RI. Buddy Cianci, Leggs and Eggs… I could go on.
Oh god, the breakfast special at the Foxy Lady. There was no hangover so bad that I wanted to cure it by watching some 19 year old from Cranston shake her donut-bloated thang at 9 a.m. Ever ever ever.
Free Buddy!
by DC Trojan on Feb 5, 2007 12:44 AM EST reply actions
Being in Memphis, they should’ve used FedEx for that weed, ask Fred Smith’s family how it is done.
Roy Adams, TennStud, is the most legendary internet message board poster around. He, himself definitely belongs on the sketchy power point since I can’t think of any other message board member to be called to a deposition with a bottle of JD in his hand. In past posts, he mentions having Memphis and UT recruits at his house; having been disavowed as a UT booster (I think) he gets away with this despite bragging about helping kids with rent, etc.
Hell, Elvis had his own Mafia in that town. I bet Keyser Soze lives somewhere east of Germantown; that’s a scary-ass town.
by AUAlum on Feb 5, 2007 8:36 AM EST reply actions
For those that don’t know, Memphis’s band plays “Whoop That Trick” at all of their games. It has become a pseudo-fight song for the school.
Most of you probably think I’m kidding, but I’m not. If you ever get a chance, go to a Memphis game and you’ll see. I do recommend you pack some heat though, because each of their athletic facilities are in sketchy parts of town with the major sketchy parts of town only a few blocks away.
Orson is dead on with the sketchy comment. Any school whose band (as in band nerds) plays “Whoop That Trick” and whose alums actually like it, fits into the sketcy mold.
by rebel84 on Feb 5, 2007 10:08 AM EST reply actions
Is it too late to make predictions for this year’s cup? I like Illinois to ride (Name Redacted)’s recruiting prowess and nonexistent discipline standards to a top 3 finish.
by marylandgator on Feb 5, 2007 9:42 PM EST reply actions
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