The headline bears repeating: any story involving “Memphis” and “10 Lb Bag of Marijuana” is going straight to the top of the site. This represents a matter of both personal experience and scientific fact forming opinion.
Meeting someone from Memphis, one should go ahead and congratulate them to making it to whatever ripe old age they are, since all residents of Memphis are liable to be eventually caught in the swirling vortex of graft, violence, and mayhem surrounding the city like a fetid puddle. Survival is no guarantee.
If they do live, they will surely either wear an eyepatch, walk with a pegleg, or emerge drastically changed, perhaps sporting a jailhouse tear tattooed beneath their eye and insisting on being called “Red” or “T-Nutz” afterwards. Point being: Memphis is mad sketchy and we know this to be biblical truth.
Science backs us up on our anecdotal evidence, as well. Don’t believe us? Well, Mr. Chart says suck it, since Memphis has been scientifically proven to be synonymous with “mad sketchy.” Never, ever argue with Microsoft Paint:
Our premise irrevocably proven, we move on to the actual sketchy Memphis story.
FACT [/schrute]: University of Memphis football player Maurice Jones has been suspended from the Tigers’ football team for misdemeanor weed possession. (No one smokes pot in Memphis, right? It’s weed, lawya.) This arrest comes in connection with the concurrent arrest of two former University of Memphis football players in a theft ring, which is the part of the story we’ll rely on really interesting message board innuendo for, and will hold off on for now. Jones suspended, weed possessed, one Fulmer Cup point makes Memphis rust and sag with pride as they enter the college football offseason’s Felonious 500.
With the facts out of the way, let’s go by the really reliable, interesting stuff: message board innuendo about the case. Again: we spray a whole tub full of ALLEGED ALLEGED ALLEGED solution all over this whole thing. Consult the chart, however, to see if any of this would be surprising.
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