BLOGTOBERFEST! TEN THINGS WE HATE ABOUT COLLEGE FOOTBALL EDITION

by Orson on Feb 1, 2007 3:16 PM EST

Blogtoberfest...um...it's like he's fucking my wife, but with hyperlinks included.

Yay, hate! Boo, hating things we like. Ever see one of those realigned maps of the world not placing the United States at the heart of the entire universe? If you look at most of them, it's actually more like they're putting the island of Curacao at the center of the universe, where it certainly is for Andruw Jones and people who like getting drunk on blue liquor.

That's precisely the vibe we get when reading Tallahassee.com. Everything seems normal; nay, even exceptional at times. You're sailing through a quality piece like "Ten Things We Hate About College Football," enjoying a snappy, perfectly digestible piece of snark:

1. College Gameday intro music- My idea of starting Saturday off right does not include Big and Rich or Bubba Sparxxx in any form or fashion.

w00t WWL hate! Hate hate hate! Cruising smoothly before we ran into this:

4. Gainesville- This would make a top ten list of things I hate about planet Earth. There's nothing to do there but smell the urine-soaked streets and try like heck to get somewhere else. Oh, and you can also sell jean shorts.

Gainesville does not stink of urine. It does stink of rot, thanks to loamy soil, piles of rotting plant matter, and the combo of relentless humidity and an "aggressive" microbe community. But urine? He has the entire 352 confused with Bobby Bowden Field, which does in fact reek of piss from Florida marking its territory. Since the field was renamed after Satan, Florida is 3-0 against FSU and 2-0 in the town marked by the giant middle finger Florida shoots to the world.

At least they didn't say they were "clean," and "articulate." Guilford College will continue its own investigation, but local police in Greensboro are closing their inquiry into a fight involving three Palestinian students and "several" Guilford football players. Guilford's mascot? The pacifist Quaker, of course.

There's one other Quaker we thought of who liked to fight. Just ask the entire nation of Laos.

Did you find Rule 3-2-5-e 1. Awesome, 2. Really Awesome, or 3. Speechless with delight and quivering in awe of it's total fucking awesomeness. Please choose one. In the Bleachers takes a look at the NCAA's coaches' survey sent out to the signal callers of the nation and wonders: is it meant to flub the whole process by boring coaches comatose from the start?

The first question asks not about 3-2-5-e, but instead about granting variance to the rule requiring road teams to wear white jerseys. Important? No, unless you take the NCAA's naked attempts to corporatize the game commitment to the integrity of the game into account and ask: how many viewers flee broadcasts when white pants pick up brown ass-stains from the dirt, thus creating the illusion that players have soiled themselves on the field? See? Losing fifteen viewers right there alone.

From cocks to bulls. One of Steve Spurrier's first high-profile converts to Cock livin' has fled the coop and transferred to University of Tennessee-Martin. Cade Thompson, former Mr. 4-A football for the state of Tennessee, left South Carolina after Blake Mitchell won the starting job over the highly touted Thompson.

This note appears for two reasons and two reasons only.

1. The writer's name is "Bob Heist," a semantic cousin of "Orson Swindle" in the name department. It is not his real name, and he has warrants for his arrest in Guatemala and Uruguay.

2. UT-Martin has a real, live rodeo team. If football doesn't work out for Thompson, there's always the bright lights of that danged old rodeo and the attendant buckle bunnies. Just something to keep in mind.

Mike Leach, magic man. Mike Leach can never die; we declare this by edict and all the powers that accompany us. For the 2005 offseason, Leach's hobby was learning about pirates; for 2006, he got in touch with his inner Viking. And for 2007? He's attempting to turn himself into the next Doug Henning/Tony Wonder:(HT: Dave)

From the Star-Bulletin:

Mike Leach worked his magic, and Texas Tech has its first recruit ever from the islands.

The Red Raiders football coach visited the home of Sam Fehoko on Tuesday night, and yesterday, Fehoko called Lubbock to give Texas Tech an oral commitment to play football.

"We fed him lupulu (corned beef and taro leaves) and he was doing magic tricks with my brothers. It shows he's a down-to-earth guy," Fehoko said. "He was trying to do the haka in our house too."

We have a fresh, hot, and perfectly intact kidney ready for extraction for the person holding a copy of that video in their hand. Every Mike Leach story turns our dreary old one hundred dollar bill of a day into one hundred glorious, gleaming, shimmering copper pennies of joy.

Our Boy A's getting off probation. It's a holiday in Alabama, and we're not talking about Charlesbarkleyween. (Shhh. Don't tell them he's black--they think he's just a jaundiced, really big half-Mexican.) Alabama is officially off house arrest, and is totally out of that anklet alarm thing and can come to the club 'n all that.

While Nico sees no need to celebrate, we dissent. For the first time in 15 long years, Alabama's clean and sober with the regulatory powers-that-be. Play some Free Bird, burn something. Call Antonio Langham and have him over for pot roast. Sacrifice a beer or two to your Bear Bryant Shrine. Give Mike Dubose a hug the next time you see him before you punch him in the balls.

Or invite a few friends over, maybe:

Recruiting is creepy, cont'd. SMQ has numbers on athletic investment, and they're slightly surprising. (Then again, of course Vanderbilt will claim the highest amount invested in an athlete. They're a private institution with lots of digits associated with their total cost.) The one thing we could possibly agree on? Merchandise sales, which benefit third parties because...well, because they said so.

Brian chimes in with a typical recruiting season anecdote regarding five-star cornerback prospect Ronald Johnson. How does an 18-year old kid go from beloved future son-in-law to the bride that is your football team to scrub who gave your baby genital warts? Only through the magic of recruiting season.

The Wheel of Pain. The House Rock Built details the Wheel of Pain that is recruiting. Like most things, it ends with someone's bike getting stolen.

And finally, a "late qualifier." A glossary to recruiting phraseology comes from BlogCritics.com, who obviously know their subject matter when it comes to recruiting:

•He had one off the field incident: Gunned down eight people in a dispute over an X-Box.
•He's a workout freak: Doesn't go to class.
•His Dad's involved in the recruiting process: Poor kid is subjected to his father's lifelong dream. Will end up like Todd Marinovich.

Points to you, sir. Points-a-plenty.

Namath, qb prospect. Cannon arm. "Likes to enjoy his free time."

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Comments

How are you going to lump Alabama fans in with those bottles of piss throwing, seat shitting, couch burning West Virginians?

Also be careful with the Joe Willie references. Joe is a potential baby’s daddy for at least half of this state.

by Cool Hand Mike on Feb 1, 2007 3:27 PM EST reply actions

No. We just love that clip and use any excuse we can find to post it.

by Orson Swindle on Feb 1, 2007 3:45 PM EST reply actions

Now Mike we’ve been through this before, it’s baloons of piss and turdgate never happened.

by John Radcliff on Feb 1, 2007 3:49 PM EST reply actions

…and thanks for the link O.

by John Radcliff on Feb 1, 2007 3:50 PM EST reply actions

It is not his real name, and he has warrants for his arrest in Guatemala and Uruguay.

To whom are you referring, Mr. Swindle, yourself or Mr. Heist?

by beast in 'bama on Feb 1, 2007 3:54 PM EST reply actions

Both?

by Orson Swindle on Feb 1, 2007 4:01 PM EST reply actions

“Give Mike Dubose a hug the next time you see him before you punch him in the BALL.”

Corrected it for you Orson. Mikey D only has one…UT ripped one off when he was a linebacker at UA.

No kidding….

http://www.answers.com/topic/mike-dubose

by KT on Feb 1, 2007 4:11 PM EST reply actions

Every day a revelation, KT. Wow.

by Orson Swindle on Feb 1, 2007 4:14 PM EST reply actions

No sir…that’s a wang.

by irishoutsider on Feb 1, 2007 4:15 PM EST reply actions

That building in Tallahassee doesn’t look like a middle finger…it looks like something else pointing upward, very “mormon-esque” quality to it. Probably due to Jenn Sterger and the like.

by Roaminggator on Feb 1, 2007 4:16 PM EST reply actions

That FSU child-toucher hates JoePa but loves Bowden? Change “bespectacled” to “stupid wicker hat endowed” and the paragraphs are interchangeable.

by Mike Honcho on Feb 1, 2007 4:27 PM EST reply actions

How are you going to lump Alabama fans in with those bottles of piss throwing, seat shitting, couch burning West Virginians?

The piss throwing was the U.
The seat shitting never happened.
The couch burning is a time honored tradition that is often imitated but never duplicated (looking at you tOSU).

Cool Hand, you didn’t have a problem w/ West Virginians when you were trying to theive our coach. And since we’re on the subject, Nick Saban is from Fairmont, WV. AND trust me, NO ONE wants to be lumped in with Alabama… unless they’re getting paid $4M a year.

by CouchBurnin'Girl on Feb 1, 2007 4:42 PM EST reply actions

Jesco White…. WHY MUST YOU HAUNT US SO?!?!?!??!?!

by CouchBurnin'Girl on Feb 1, 2007 4:43 PM EST reply actions

Wow. Mike Boone needs some sunshine.

To his credit, there is a block of University Ave between Balls and Gator City that smells urine-esque on the weekends.

by EconoMz. on Feb 1, 2007 4:45 PM EST reply actions

Regarding the white jersey for road team question in the survey, I know that’s something that people have expressed interest in for at least the USC-UCLA games.

Are there any other teams/games that would like to see both participants wearing their home jerseys, or did that one make it on there because The Humanitarian deemed it so?

by Boy Howdy on Feb 1, 2007 4:51 PM EST reply actions

EconoMz, that’s not urine. It’s just free Natty Light at Grog House on Saturday nights.

by Lumpkin rhymes with Blumpkin on Feb 1, 2007 5:00 PM EST reply actions

“Sam” Fehoko? He’ll never make it to the all-name team with players like Jabu Lovelace and Jim Bob Cooter still out there.

by Gator KK on Feb 1, 2007 5:03 PM EST reply actions

Ass Kicker Dept:

Couch Burning Girl: That was one heck of a beating over the Alabamians. Congrats.

I don’t think there is any state that Alabamians look down upon (with merit). Maybe Misssssissssippppiiii?

by Stacy Keibler Loves Me on Feb 1, 2007 5:15 PM EST reply actions

Every Mike Leach story turns our dreary old one hundred dollar bill of a day into one hundred glorious, gleaming, shimmering copper pennies of joy.

Thus leaving you $99.00 in the red . . . or maybe that was the point.

by Doug on Feb 1, 2007 5:23 PM EST reply actions

#18, we look down on two states – the State of Sobriety and the State of Fidelity.

by NewAZTiger on Feb 1, 2007 5:58 PM EST reply actions

Dear Coach Leach,

I heard you went to Hawaii and got a good player. Far out. I like Hawaii, too. They’ve got great surfing, beautiful girls and super cool luaus with Don Ho and everything. And I guess they’ve got good football players, too. Ha Ha. Oh well, enjoy your offseason and good luck next year.

Sincerely,

Greg Brady

PS – Whatever you do, DO NOT, wear the tiki necklace Bobby gave you. It will not bring you luck. It is evil.

by Dinknflicka on Feb 1, 2007 7:52 PM EST reply actions

Boy Howdy #15,

Whatever your thoughts about PC, he is dead on in wanting to have both teams wearing their home jerseys for the ’SC/ucla game. That tradition was awesome.

by SeaTrojan on Feb 1, 2007 9:22 PM EST reply actions

Watching the ConsumptionJunction video answered a long held question for me: Whatever happened to the people from Heavy Metal Parking Lot?

by SeaTrojan on Feb 1, 2007 9:23 PM EST reply actions

As someone who’s lived in many states of the South, I look down upon:

1. West Virginia
2. WV’s bastard cousin, Arkansas
3. East Tennessee
4. Lower Alabama
T5. South Carolina’s Upstate
T5. Westen North Carolina

Commence with the umbrage.

by Newspaper Hack on Feb 1, 2007 11:37 PM EST reply actions

Jesus. That’s “western.” Hate clouds the eyes again.

by Newspaper Hack on Feb 1, 2007 11:38 PM EST reply actions

When it comes to the seat shitters, remember the movie The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance.

“When the legend becomes fact, print the legend.”

by Cool Hand Mike on Feb 2, 2007 9:43 AM EST reply actions

CouchBurnin’Girl,

You’ve got to be kidding me—anyone who’s ever been to West Virginia knows it is easily the single most backwoods state in the country. And I’m not sure how attempting to hire the current WVU coach suggests that Alabama fans want to “lumped in” with you bunch of sibling-loving skanks (by the way, I think I speak for all UA fans when I say thank God RR is the dirtbag he is).

Here’s an idea: you guys win something (other than the distinction of making Buckeye fans look classy), and then consider running your mouths.

by Rainmaker on Feb 2, 2007 9:46 AM EST reply actions

Oh, and CBG, I’m betting you’re some kind of beastly.

by Rainmaker on Feb 2, 2007 9:47 AM EST reply actions

cbg…we never wanted your mexican coach

by matt on Feb 2, 2007 9:50 AM EST reply actions

I disagree with that Top 10 list; Bubba Sparxxxxx is the perfect way to start off a Saturday morning.
But its hard to disagree with a Political Science and Religion major from FSU, he’s going places. Guess he couldn’t squeeze in that Clown School major, too.

by AUAlum on Feb 2, 2007 9:54 AM EST reply actions

Political Science and Religion…and clown school? A hypothetical:

“The eventual shift of the formerly archconservative but increasingly libertarian evangelical vote will coincide with the maturation of the movement as it slowly recognizes its own power. No longer paying fealty to the Republican Party, it will go to the polls for the candidate that reflects the values and interests of the voting bloc regardless of party affiliation. A third party is no guarantee; the demise of the conservative Reaganite majority, though is.

In conclusion…"

HONK! HONK!

by Orson Swindle on Feb 2, 2007 10:12 AM EST reply actions

Dear Rainmaker,

First of all, I find it more amusing than offensive when people refer to all West Virginians as “sibling-loving skanks” – or something along those lines – because it’s not like I haven’t heard those before. How about having an original thought?

Second, I was defending West Virginia against Cool Hand’s comments. This is something I do from time to time when negative comments (that aren’t true) are made about WV. Born, raised, and educated there (shocking, I know), I’ve grown a bit fond of the state over the last 26 years… call me crazy.

Also, I wasn’t the one that said they looked down on the state of Alabama. Since this is a COLLEGE FOOTBALL COMMENT PAGE, I said – much like Cool Hand not wanting to be lumped in w/ WVU – that I wouldn’t want to be lumped in with Alabama. This is called “responding in kind”. Very rarely do I actually attack another state/school on this board (unless it’s the Univ. of Pittsburgh).

Oh, and thanks for being a dick and calling me ugly… I TOTALLY deserved that.

Kisses,
CBG

by CouchBurnin'Girl on Feb 2, 2007 11:05 AM EST reply actions

Forgot to close the italics. My bad.

by CouchBurnin'Girl on Feb 2, 2007 11:06 AM EST reply actions

I personally love Abalama. There are like the poor mans Florida State. You might say Abalama is “the U’s” less talented little brother.

by SEAWOLF on Feb 2, 2007 11:50 AM EST reply actions

“Jesse can be three people: He is Jesse, he is Jesco, and he is Elvis. Jesse is the most beautiful man that I could’ve ever loved. But Jesco, he, – he’s somebody else. He’s the devil in hisself. Uh, nothing satisfies him – he can’t be happy. Nothing you do for him makes him happy. "

and paraphrasing from memory

“Woman…I told you to stop making me those sloppy slarmy eggs”

by nixforsix on Feb 2, 2007 11:58 AM EST reply actions

Actually, we cannot believe CBG is not hot, since those who survive 26 years in the wilds of West Virginia need to be nimble, lithe, and quick with a knife to endure.

And with all the DDR’ing going on now, there’s more reason than ever to believe West Virginia is Wild and Wonderful.

by Orson Swindle on Feb 2, 2007 12:17 PM EST reply actions

Kick Ass Babe Dept:

Once again, the Couch Burning Girl does it again, and whacks another Alabamian – Rainmaker.

If this were a prize fight (C. B. Girl against Alabamians) it would have been stopped a long ago on points in favor of the Babe.

Note to Alabamianites: Don’t pick a fight with a babe with a brain. Stick to pounding each other (Bama fans vs. Auburn fans).

Although I can somewhat relate to the plight that Alabamians have in defending their little sorry state.

I am from Los Angeles, and the Northern Cals (SF and vicinity) see LA as a vast cultural wasteland. The Lower Cals (San Diego) see LA as an unfriendly big city with weather not as nice as theirs. Forget what the New Yorkers and Second Citiers say about LA, it is also bad. And when Southern Cals buy a second home or move into the nearby boonies (Oregon, Idaho, Nevada…), they get mad that we are buying up their property and raising prices.

But, all in all, I still see a lot more outsiders coming into Los Angeles, than Angelinos going to live in their areas. Like Jim Rome says: SCOREBOARD!

by Stacy Keibler Loves Me on Feb 2, 2007 1:42 PM EST reply actions

SKLM, you’re quite the little caker, aren’t you?

by RIP Logan Young on Feb 2, 2007 5:52 PM EST reply actions

You gotta play Bubba Sparxxx at USC games, because of the quarterback

by Matt on Feb 2, 2007 6:23 PM EST reply actions

I’ve visited 42 states and every single one of them has a bunch of poor, ugly pitiful people. Unless North Dakota is somehow different, I suspect there’s a little bit of trailer park in all of us.

As far as this comment goes: “I still see a lot more outsiders coming into Los Angeles, than Angelinos going to live in their areas.”

The south is the fastes growing region of the country and it’s not just Latin Americans coming.

We were raped and pillaged in the Civil War, but now that tech jobs and high paying factory jobs for low skilled workers are goning overseas, things are evening out.

by bama_buck on Feb 2, 2007 8:47 PM EST reply actions

Whoops. I indirectly showed some love for Tennessee.

I’d like to burn that state to ground, except for Memphis, of course.

by bama_buck on Feb 2, 2007 8:52 PM EST reply actions

We were raped and pillaged in the Civil War, but now that tech jobs and high paying factory jobs for low skilled workers are goning overseas, things are evening out.

I hardly know where to start… so for once I won’t.

by DC Trojan on Feb 2, 2007 11:53 PM EST reply actions