Blogtoberfest…um…it’s like he’s fucking my wife, but with hyperlinks included.
Yay, hate! Boo, hating things we like. Ever see one of those realigned maps of the world not placing the United States at the heart of the entire universe? If you look at most of them, it’s actually more like they’re putting the island of Curacao at the center of the universe, where it certainly is for Andruw Jones and people who like getting drunk on blue liquor.
That’s precisely the vibe we get when reading Tallahassee.com. Everything seems normal; nay, even exceptional at times. You’re sailing through a quality piece like “Ten Things We Hate About College Football,” enjoying a snappy, perfectly digestible piece of snark:
1. College Gameday intro music- My idea of starting Saturday off right does not include Big and Rich or Bubba Sparxxx in any form or fashion.
w00t WWL hate! Hate hate hate! Cruising smoothly before we ran into this:
4. Gainesville- This would make a top ten list of things I hate about planet Earth. There’s nothing to do there but smell the urine-soaked streets and try like heck to get somewhere else. Oh, and you can also sell jean shorts.
Gainesville does not stink of urine. It does stink of rot, thanks to loamy soil, piles of rotting plant matter, and the combo of relentless humidity and an “aggressive” microbe community. But urine? He has the entire 352 confused with Bobby Bowden Field, which does in fact reek of piss from Florida marking its territory. Since the field was renamed after Satan, Florida is 3-0 against FSU and 2-0 in the town marked by the giant middle finger Florida shoots to the world.
There’s one other Quaker we thought of who liked to fight. Just ask the entire nation of Laos.
Did you find Rule 3-2-5-e 1. Awesome, 2. Really Awesome, or 3. Speechless with delight and quivering in awe of it’s total fucking awesomeness. Please choose one. In the Bleachers takes a look at the NCAA’s coaches’ survey sent out to the signal callers of the nation and wonders: is it meant to flub the whole process by boring coaches comatose from the start?
The first question asks not about 3-2-5-e, but instead about granting variance to the rule requiring road teams to wear white jerseys. Important? No, unless you take the NCAA’s naked attempts to corporatize the game commitment to the integrity of the game into account and ask: how many viewers flee broadcasts when white pants pick up brown ass-stains from the dirt, thus creating the illusion that players have soiled themselves on the field? See? Losing fifteen viewers right there alone.
From cocks to bulls. One of Steve Spurrier’s first high-profile converts to Cock livin’ has fled the coop and transferred to University of Tennessee-Martin. Cade Thompson, former Mr. 4-A football for the state of Tennessee, left South Carolina after Blake Mitchell won the starting job over the highly touted Thompson.
This note appears for two reasons and two reasons only.
1. The writer’s name is “Bob Heist,” a semantic cousin of “Orson Swindle” in the name department. It is not his real name, and he has warrants for his arrest in Guatemala and Uruguay.
2. UT-Martin has a real, live rodeo team. If football doesn’t work out for Thompson, there’s always the bright lights of that danged old rodeo and the attendant buckle bunnies. Just something to keep in mind.
Mike Leach, magic man. Mike Leach can never die; we declare this by edict and all the powers that accompany us. For the 2005 offseason, Leach’s hobby was learning about pirates; for 2006, he got in touch with his inner Viking. And for 2007? He’s attempting to turn himself into the next Doug Henning/Tony Wonder:(HT: Dave)
Mike Leach worked his magic, and Texas Tech has its first recruit ever from the islands.
The Red Raiders football coach visited the home of Sam Fehoko on Tuesday night, and yesterday, Fehoko called Lubbock to give Texas Tech an oral commitment to play football.
“We fed him lupulu (corned beef and taro leaves) and he was doing magic tricks with my brothers. It shows he’s a down-to-earth guy,” Fehoko said. “He was trying to do the haka in our house too.”
We have a fresh, hot, and perfectly intact kidney ready for extraction for the person holding a copy of that video in their hand. Every Mike Leach story turns our dreary old one hundred dollar bill of a day into one hundred glorious, gleaming, shimmering copper pennies of joy.
Our Boy A’s getting off probation. It’s a holiday in Alabama, and we’re not talking about Charlesbarkleyween. (Shhh. Don’t tell them he’s black–they think he’s just a jaundiced, really big half-Mexican.) Alabama is officially off house arrest, and is totally out of that anklet alarm thing and can come to the club ‘n all that.
While Nico sees no need to celebrate, we dissent. For the first time in 15 long years, Alabama’s clean and sober with the regulatory powers-that-be. Play some Free Bird, burn something. Call Antonio Langham and have him over for pot roast. Sacrifice a beer or two to your Bear Bryant Shrine. Give Mike Dubose a hug the next time you see him before you punch him in the balls.
Or invite a few friends over, maybe:
Recruiting is creepy, cont’d. SMQ has numbers on athletic investment, and they’re slightly surprising. (Then again, of course Vanderbilt will claim the highest amount invested in an athlete. They’re a private institution with lots of digits associated with their total cost.) The one thing we could possibly agree on? Merchandise sales, which benefit third parties because…well, because they said so.
•He had one off the field incident: Gunned down eight people in a dispute over an X-Box.
•He’s a workout freak: Doesn’t go to class.
•His Dad’s involved in the recruiting process: Poor kid is subjected to his father’s lifelong dream. Will end up like Todd Marinovich.
Points to you, sir. Points-a-plenty.
Namath, qb prospect. Cannon arm. “Likes to enjoy his free time.”
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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