But now it’s time to announce the winner of this year’s Best Regular Feature Award, a.k.a. the “Bran Muffin,” in honor of the regular, powerful, on schedule mental colon cleanser you look forward to as a reader.
First, the nominees:
Best Regular Feature
FOR: The best recurring feature of the year.
CRITERIA: The feature should be posted weekly and be generally good and stuff.
Deadspin correspondent A.J. Daulerio’s fungal growth, which we wouldn’t touch with a pair of titanium claws manipulated behind several feet of lead plating. That thing should come with a biohazard sign on it.
A kid in our middle school was once paddled by the gym teacher for telling him to “fuck off, drunk-o.” The statement was factually accurate, of course; our middle school gym teacher really was a drop-dead alcoholic on the Nicholas Cage, Leaving Las Vegas-style scale, and succeeded in drinking himself into an early grave. If alcoholism were the Boston Marathon, he would be the Paul Tergat of his generation. There simply were no equals.
Our coach, who could finish a case of beer in the time it took Paul Tergat to run 26.2 miles. Both champions.
Anyway, coach was fun–the evil kind of fun. He had a great speech he rolled off about three times a semester whenever we became dissrespektfool. It went as follows:
“Gettin’ jacked up is surrious. I jack my kids up. I jack my wife up. I jack my dog up. And I will…not…hesitate…to jack you up.”
So after the coach had replaced his testicles (more…)
ProFootballTalk has produced some of the most specious, unfounded gossip you’ll ever hear anywhere. They also have a clip of Nick Saban saying the following on tape, but have bleeped the profanity for reasons we can’t possibly explain. Who doesn’t want to hear Nick “Window Treatments” Saban rolling in the profanity pit as we know he really does? You don’t make grown men who play offensive line weep with goshdarnits, after all.
They have the audio here, but the dialogue reads as well as it sounds:
“My friends are okay with it. The rest of those guys? One of my, one of my guy on the board — you guys won’t be able to put this on the thing — was walking down the street, one of the Board of Trustees guys like these people around here and sitting up on the stage today at LSU, is walking down the street yesterday before the Sugar Bowl. He calls me. There’s a guy working in a ditch. One of those coon-ass guys that talk funny. I can’t talk like him but he can. Most people in Louisiana can. And he says, ‘Hey, you see where Coach Saban signed up with Alabama?’ You know however they talk. And the Board of Trustees guy says, ‘Yeah, I saw that.’ And he says, ‘That son of a bitch. I feel like he’s f–king my wife.’”
Coonass seems to be acceptable usage here as long as you’ve actually logged some time in Louisiana, but expect no serious flak from this. Expect some masterful signs from Auburn fans referencing this one. In fact, please accept our humble submission done with the magic of Microsoft Paint. Should Auburn win the Iron Bowl again in 2007, we beg Tiger fans to use it.
Kind of makes ‘fear the thumb’ take on lascivious meanings you hadn’t considered before.
The Dr. Z Award for Analytical Prowess:MGoBlog. One half of his brain is figuring out his acceptance speech. The other is applying string theory to an analysis of Mike Debord’s deceptively simple offense.
The Best Mainstream Blog Award:Dan Steinberg, for his DC Sports Bog at the Washington Post. Dan Steinberg once answered the phone and, after finding out who it was, still shot the shit with us for 20 minutes or so. That deserves an award all by itself.
And now our belated turn at the podium. I wonder what Deng Xiaoping is thinking right now….
Without further adieu:
The Jenn Sterger’s Rack Award.
First, the nominees:
The Jenn Sterger’s Rack Award
FOR: The best photoshop or other gag of the year.
CRITERIA: Could be a photoshop, a Motivational Poster, an On Notice Board, a fictional post, or something similar, as long as it elicited more than a mere smile.
Sunday Morning Quarterback responds to our Monday piece on recruiting, and of course does so in a cogent, intelligent manner. This of course means we understand none of it. Jos keeeding!
Ees good stuff, Tina Fey. Just look:
Still, athletes aren’t bound to go to college, and have the same option as any potential student: enter school, or enter the marketplace. NFL rules - probably wisely, though the sports’ inherent physicality ensures the “problem” is not on the same scale as the NBA’s - prohibit athletes from coming straight from high school, but there is no general rule prohibiting a player from entering another pro league in the meantime, or, if the exploitation were great enough, for many players to form a three-year developmental league that would serve the same purpose, in terms of the ultimate goal of signing an NFL contract, as college.
A very, very good point, though it may be cruel in the long run to insist on foisting the NFL Europe any longer than is absolutely necessary. (Think of Barcelona and those poor dragons. Those poor, poor dragons.) Athletes are free to enter the market. The Arena League in particular seems positioned to fill this role as a developmental league. Those non-academic qualifiers Michael Lewis and we opine over? Why couldn’t they try out for the Tampa Bay Storm or the local padded wall scorefestmeisters of their choice?
The original point of our post still remains though: we’re trying to explain why recruiting is creepy, not necessarily fix it. Really poor kids with few financial options are being approached by large financial entities offering them opportunity they aren’t prepared to fully exploit. In addition to this, they receive compensation grossly inequal to the work they put in as semi-pros. SMQ’s going to have some numbers, which we’re waiting with scalpel in hand for–warning, impending math use by liberal arts majors!!!–and we can’t wait to see it.
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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