GUEST COLUMNIST: SLAPPY TRAYLOR
by Orson on Jan 29, 2007 3:54 PM EST
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PrintToday, our guest columnist is Slappy Traylor, ace recruitnik. You may recognize him from Slappy Traylor's Recruiting Straight Shooting, his popular guide to college football recruiting, or from his work at a major network he no longer works for and would not like to talk about. Enjoy.
I'd like to introduce myself, ma'am, sir. I'm Slappy Traylor, and I'm here to eyeball your son. He's thick. He's long. He's tough to catch from behind. And he penetrates with a spurt and power that, frankly, frightens even a hoary old asshole like myself. I want to write about him in my recruiting guide and make sure he makes the right decision on signing day, since I have something completely shocking to tell you. Please sit down.
Your son could be the next Curtis Enis...but faster. And yes, thicker.
Sit down if you have to--he could be the second coming of Curtis Enis.
I know, it's a lot to take in, but bear with me. Let me say first, that I love your house. The drapes are to die for, ma'am. They wave in the wind like the rustle of money in the autumn breeze, something you seem to have more than a passing familiarity with, by the way. Just saying.
And you, sir? Your suit is of a cut so immaculate and fitted an army of tea-chugging Chinamen slaving over it for weeks couldn't possibly craft such a fine piece of perfect career armor. In fact, people should pay you just for wearing it in public. Again, you must fart twenties and sneeze platinum snot rockets. Kudos to you for that.
I've been writing about college recruiting for...well, let's just spare you the big math and say that it's somewhere between one and a billion years.
That's a long time, you say; many a night, pulled off at a rest stop sharing the cold frontseat of my Vega with only a cup of coffee, the sad strains of Jon Secada on the radio, and a randy hobo who later robbed me of everything save for my astonishing ability to spot 300 pound high school football players with my eyeballs, I wondered if it was all truly worth it.
But recruits like your son make it clear to me how worthwhile this all truly is. Sure, you've already gotten calls. Sure, you actually know what a college is, and probably could even make a pretty good decision without old Slappy telling you how little you actually know about the process. But let me ask you this question:
Do you want your son to succeed? Don't you love him? Don't you want me to announce to the world that he's the next Curtis Enis, and send loyal subscribers daily emails announcing this glorious comparison? Don't you want me to call him "hard," "pounding," and most importantly, fawn over him in terms that would embarrass the copywriters for gay porn DVD covers?
Don't you want him to feature in my thrilling exhibition game whose finances absolutely positively do not need to be looked into, most notably by the IRS? And rather than riding the pine, wouldn't you rather have him starting in my thrilling exhibition game, where your thick, pounding son will undoubtedly raise his status in the national eye, and receive a "scholarship" worth more than the one he currently has? Don't you want a fourth--nay!--fifth star attached to his name?
Don't you want the best for your son? Of course you do, unless you do not love him, and see him as a meal ticket towards an early retirement and a luxury automobile of a respectable size and make.
(If that's been your plan all along, old Slappy's fine with that. I've even got a parenting guide and life planner set up just for such a scheme, which is only $14.99 at SlappyTraylor.com. It's called "Making Cash, One Baby At a Time: the Art and Science of Raising Your Little All-Star." It'll teach you how to fake everything from the hug to the concern about grades. The key: furrow your eyebrows. It always looks like concern.)
Slappy Traylor's had tons of success with his program. Just one example ya see there.
And all of this can be yours, parents, for just pennies a day. Nothing's free in this world, y'all. Not even the love of a randy hobo at a rest stop, something I learned through hard, hard experience. I can't ask for money, since that would be unethical. But what I can ask for is your support, which on the open market typically involves a donation of $5,000 dollars for each star on your son's ranking, plus another $5,000 on top of that for a spot in the game.
Adjectives are extra. Right now, I'm calling him more of a "Craig 'Ironhead' Heyward-type." If you're fine with me calling him a fatassed buffet-rapist, you go on with your bad selves. However, for just a few dollars more, I'll have him listed as "deceptively fast," with "quick, nimble feet for such a big kid."
From eating your way off the team to blue-chipper! It's amazing some "concern" on your part will do. And by concern, I mean money in unmarked bills folded in a copy of today's paper. Concern only comes in the variety that folds, people.
I'll be in car trying to decide just how thick your son really is. Slappy'll be waiting with a McChicken sandwich in one hand and your son's fate in the other. Lemme know which one I'm eating tonight.
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The many days Slappy is on the road each year probably orevents him from getting to see his illegitimate son Tom Lemming too often.
by jon on Jan 29, 2007 4:07 PM EST reply actions
So this is the guy who will scout the yearly college football equivalent of Sidd Finch.
by Cool Hand Mike on Jan 29, 2007 4:10 PM EST reply actions
as a Bears fan, I’d prefer it if we just let Curtis Enis stay dead. Any statements to the contrary will be hounded down. aggh. worst waste of a draft pick in the history of sports
by kwmorris on Jan 29, 2007 4:26 PM EST reply actions
- - I think the Chargers might have something to say about that, regarding Mr. Leaf.
by tOSU_radar on Jan 29, 2007 4:32 PM EST reply actions
#6
What about Saleem Rasheed?
The Original Ricky Williams!
by Cool Hand Mike on Jan 29, 2007 4:36 PM EST reply actions
kwmorris —
The worst draft pick honor has to go to my Atlanta Falcons, who selected Aundray Bruce (who?) over Tim Brown, Michael Irvin, Icky Woods, and Thurman Thomas.
by Alex on Jan 29, 2007 4:51 PM EST reply actions
Yes I would like to learn more about getting a Thicker Enis
by cowboycane on Jan 29, 2007 4:54 PM EST reply actions
Hahahaha! From Wikipedia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saleem_Rasheed
“He will over-pursue on many plays and take poor angles to the ball and will get blown off the ball at times. He has had a lot of problems with injuries.”
Must have been taken from his yearly performance review.
by tOSU_radar on Jan 29, 2007 4:56 PM EST reply actions
#6
And with the second pick in the 1984 NBA draft….the Portland Trailblazers select….Sam Bowie from the University of Kentucky.
by Geaux Irish on Jan 29, 2007 5:04 PM EST reply actions
Oh, and dude, chinamen is not the preferred nomenclature.
by RedDevilEA on Jan 29, 2007 5:10 PM EST reply actions
Ah shit. My fault!
I’m getting my muslim football players from the 1990’s confused. I meant Rashaan Salaam for the Bears fan. One of the great Heisman Trophy draft bust in recent history.
He’s the original Ricky Williams.
by Cool Hand Mike on Jan 29, 2007 5:15 PM EST reply actions
Saleem Rasheed = former MLB at Alabama, second round pick
Rashaan Salaam = former Heisman winning RB from Colorado
Learn the difference.
by RIP Logan Young on Jan 29, 2007 6:05 PM EST reply actions
And next time, I’ll read ALL the comments before I correct someone like the asshole I am.
by RIP Logan Young on Jan 29, 2007 6:05 PM EST reply actions
Can I get a hundred dollar handshake for that one, Logan?
Roll Tide Roll!!!
by Cool Hand Mike on Jan 29, 2007 6:11 PM EST reply actions
Re #11, Sam Bowie is not in the same league as the football players mentioned. He was an above average center whose career was destoyed by injuries. The others were complete busts who lacked either the talent or desire (or both) to live up to their draft status.
Besides, the Blazers already had their 2G of the future in Clyde Drexler, drafted the previous season. Even if you could have guaranteed the Portland front office (or whoever else had the #2 pick) that Jordan would become an All-Star SG, most of them would have preferred the big man, since no one had yet built a dominant franchise with a 2G as the cornerstone.
by Chg on Jan 29, 2007 6:11 PM EST reply actions
This is a ripoff of an article posted on another blog. I read this just a few weeks ago on Loser With Socks. I will try to pull up the info.
by carlos on Jan 29, 2007 7:21 PM EST reply actions
Funny read, but to a father of two above average size and athletic boys – terrifying. I know this is parody, but I can imagine that some of the slimeballs running these recruiting sites acting a lot like this.
by Atlantadomer on Jan 29, 2007 7:49 PM EST reply actions
I give ’em out like candy, Mike. Or I used to, before some thugs hired by Roy Adams broke into my house and smashed my face in.
by RIP Logan Young on Jan 29, 2007 8:19 PM EST reply actions
“That new voice of yours is a gold mine, that’s right, a mine fulla gold!”
by John on Jan 29, 2007 8:27 PM EST reply actions
Mike – I thought you meant Rashaan Salaam, but when I looked up the other guy, it was fairly apropo.
by tOSU_radar on Jan 29, 2007 8:39 PM EST reply actions
These aren’t the guys that built the f’ing railroads, reddevil.
“fatassed buffet-rapist.” Mmm hmm, sounds right. Have we met, Slappy?
by Big Jon on Jan 29, 2007 8:42 PM EST reply actions
A plagiarism charge—our favorite! Please pull up whatever it is and we’ll let the people decide.
BTW—if you’re referring to the use of the Fulmer Geico video from Youtube as “content theft,” you’re very, very wrong. Reader Craig, credited in the post, sent us the link. We credited the genius who put the video together in the post.
But again, we’re an open book. Bring the evidence.
by Orson Swindle on Jan 29, 2007 9:19 PM EST reply actions
Nope, here we go.
This post:
http://loserwithsocks.wordpress.com/2007/01/22/penis-floss-recruiting-and-beefcake/#more-241
…which we allegedly ripped off in the form of this post:
http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/?p=3069
That two blogs would both write about recruiting during recruiting season? Shocking. Especially when we’ve never
written about Tom Lemming, recruitniks, or how creepy it all seems to us.
But we let the people judge.
by Orson Swindle on Jan 29, 2007 9:47 PM EST reply actions
Saleem Rasheed. I’ve read more about that guy this week than in the past four years.
The fucked up thing is that when I ordered my Alabama replica jersey in 2001, it was No. 11. Who was No. 11 at the time? Saleem Rasheed.
Fucking A.
by Newspaper Hack on Jan 29, 2007 11:19 PM EST reply actions
#29,
It was a Big Lebowski reference. If you haven’t seen it, go to Blockbuster – it’s hilarious.
by RedDevilEA on Jan 29, 2007 11:39 PM EST reply actions
i was at the exhibition game back in the mid-90’s where rashaan salaam doushed his knee in detroit… the sad thing was that it occurred on his first play ever as a bengal even before he hit the line on an inside run. i’m not sure whether the fact that the injury was non-contact made the catastrophic injury any less less bizzarre (or funny, depending on who you ask)- he just sort of ran up to the line, his leg wobbled at the knee a little too much on a cut back and he hit the astro-turf.
don’t sweat it too much bengals fans- soon afterward you discovered chemistry killin’ corey dillon~
by rjsplow on Jan 30, 2007 7:41 AM EST reply actions
rjs, are you talking about Salaam or Ki-Jana Carter?
by RIP Logan Young on Jan 30, 2007 8:43 AM EST reply actions
All Slappy’s trying to do is put the boy on a Path Forward to Success and ultimate Victory.
by Ohiodawg on Jan 30, 2007 9:43 AM EST reply actions
#33,
I’ve seen it. Several times. Went as the dude for halloween. If you recall, the dialogue goes as such:
Walter: The Chinaman is not the issue here, dude! Oh, and dude, Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian American, please.
Lebowski: These arent the guys that built the f’ing railroad, Walter.
Hence the joke.
by Big Jon on Jan 30, 2007 9:47 AM EST reply actions
Logan:
yeah, i was talking about Ka-Jana, my apologies. that’s what happens when you try and think before your first cup of coffee in the morning. that, and i tend to get my early first-round running-back busts confused…
by rjsplow on Jan 30, 2007 9:57 AM EST reply actions
You cut me to the quick.
We still mourn Curtis Enis. I’ve always said that he “broke my football heart.” We loved him, and his love for the game. Joe adored the kid; he talked him up like no other athlete before (Joe was notorious for never saying nice things about the players, so this wasn’t a very high bar – Paterno has mellowed in the last 10 years – he’s definitely a “gentler, kinder” variety now). We thought that he was the real thing – only to find out that he was real crazy. Yeah, the stupid suit, in stupid Harrisburg was stupid – but his actions and demeanor after leaving PSU was more of a concern. It was a while before I was able to love again; sure, you go through the motions and give what you can, but it wasn’t until Zack Mills (don’t laugh – 324 was a magical game) that I gave my football heart again (it was a rocky relationship, but still worth the effort).
Of course 1997 (Jan 1, 1998) was the year PSU played Florida – when Spurrier “took pity” on his favorite coach and the broken Penn State team – thanks for reminding me – Hate Spurrier.
by PSUgirl on Jan 30, 2007 10:24 AM EST reply actions
I read both articles. Clearly, you have ripped off another site.
Using the Plagiar-O-Matic® 3000, I analyzed all the text in both articles. The characters “recruit” appear four times in the Socks article and a stunning six times in the EDSBS article.
So, not only did EDSBS steal others words, then then went out and abused them. Have you no shame?
by OmarBradley on Jan 30, 2007 10:59 AM EST reply actions
Big John, you got me. Two Buckeye stickers will be removed from my helmet. I see that you indeed are not a dip shit with a nine-toed woman.
by RedDevilEA on Jan 30, 2007 11:30 AM EST reply actions
To correct my comment, I meant “worst waste of a Bears draft pick”. since he was worse even than Cade McNown. I completely agree with Ryan Leaf. and Rashaan Salaam at least rushed for 1,000 and 10 tds in 1995. Enis the Penis did nothing. Also, Joe Pa called him a “con man” so i dont know if thats talking him up
by kwmorris88 on Jan 30, 2007 12:28 PM EST reply actions
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