The Onion had a great article on Bill Parcells’ this season summing up how many coaches actually seem. The headline read: “Bill Parcells: ‘I’ve Always Hated Football,’” and gave an in-depth and we have no doubt entirely accurate depiction of Parcells’ deep, unabiding hatred for the game he coached. He may deny it, but we’re sure Parcells is on tape somewhere uttering every word of the piece.

Bobby Ross has resigned at Army after going 9-25 in three seasons. It’s a fair enough ride for a coach to stay somewhere for three years in this era, especially at Army where even in a turnaround a few murderous seasons of losing are a certainty. Track records don’t evaporate overnight, though; Ross has shown happy feet wherever he’s gone, even when the getting was good and steady (see his work at Georgia Tech and San Diego, two prime jobs where he succeeded, reached or won championships and then left for little or no reason.) That he was anything but leftovers rapidly sprouting green hair in the fridge is a lie told by those who don’t remember Ross dropping the Lions’ job because he was “emotionally drained.”

The best thing about Ross being gone will be not watching his wizened, miserable visage pace the sidelines next season. Ross radiated bad vibes, pacing like he’d just downed black coffee with tacks in it. It was as if he were pissed off that his job kept him from the dog track or his garage shop where he was halfway through this great scale model of the U.S.S. Yorktown, and just needed to paste a few Hellcats to the deck to complete the damned thing.

Hopefully Army can get themselves someone capable and willing to replace Ross. Barring, that, though–there’s always EDSBS hero Hal Mumme, who could bolster his claim to the job by citing his deep and documented passion for fightin’ turrorists.


Bobby Ross: living proof that coaching the Detroit Lions kills your soul forever.