CLAY TRAVIS, EVOLUTION'S FOOL.

Fuck! NOW you tell me.

Wow, that was good. This chick’s name wouldn’t happen to be Caddy Compson, would it?

Man, Evolution’s Fool sound like the perfect title for my column.

Either that or the campaign slogan for Kansas’s next governor.

“Praying for death” can also apply to early morning fishing trips.

While I cannot disagree on the whole with Clay’s rankings, I am shocked at the lofty perch he gave Auburn. Clay must really be impressed by fat calves in dusty cowboy boots that is topped off with a Lewinsky-esque dress.

And I mean Lewinsky-esque in both style and stains.

Whoa. Hitting theFaulkner a little hard this afternoon, Orson?

massive eyeroll

Yes, the death by Ole Miss Bride is long and painful. The Death by Florida Bride is short and sweet – as the pendulous arm fat slaps your head and severs your spine.

Claynation is obviously a glutton for punishment.

We’re Ashley Simpson! We’re Ashley Simpson!

Pretty as long as we don’t open our mouth.

This makes sense seeing that we’ve been “lip-synching” football down here since 1992. Now we have the stage and will have to sing for real.

I hope this is not an Orange Bowl performance all over again.

Alright, what was her name?

No way was this a (very nicely written) hypothetical.

Kissypoo Carmichael. She’s in the Florence King Reader.

I do declare, I seem to have the vapors…

The fact that Vandy is #3 in any list other than “Nerds that Drink” clearly shows how skewed the Claynation’s perspective is. Erroneous!

My god this is the funniest thing you have ever written. Having spent a considerable amount of time growing up in Atlanta (Capital of the would-be SEC empire) I have seen first hand the various stages of marriage among southerners (thanks to my parents havign freinds decades older than them at the time).

The truthiness of this post is more infallible than the Pope.

“Does makeup mean a no-go? Certainly not. Most women wear to shut other women up.”

Brilliant…and true.

I used to say South Carolina’s girls were the best, but the cleavage ratio among the Georgia girls at this year’s game was simply too much.

Actually, I take that back. It can never be too much.

While Orson may be right in believing that UF should be ranked higher, Clay’s list is right on with Ole Miss being #1…fight as you may, it’s a universally accepted truth which can NOT be disproven.

I also have a hard time with Auburn being so high, and Vandy at 3…LSU should definately be higher. Regardless, the clear #1 is Ole Miss.

Ridiculous. Ole Miss first and Mississippi State last? They’re the same girls. They’re from the same neighborhoods in Tupelo, Brandon, Moss Point, and Olive Branch. One girl becomes magically superhot because she went to Oxford instead of Starkville?

The more likely difference is the peer pressure in Oxford transforms these girls-next-door into formal attired, clown makeup-wearing, cocktail swilling, super sorosluts.

To summarize, if you’re looking for a cheap, freaky shag, Oxford’s the place, but like Orson says, be sure to protect the navy blazer. If you’re looking for a wife, check out Starkville.

Vandy is the college of future “sugar mommas”.

That has to be commended. Beauty is only skin deep yet money is gorgeous no matter how you look it.

I’m a whore, I know.

Cool Hand, as always, your scathing honesty demands respect.

Georgia #2 overall, but #1 in boobs? I will take that and run with it, sirs.

TCOAN,

still chuckling over your retort.

The mantis clip is great! She eats his head first.

my friends and i discovered a very important rule along these lines – the bell jar maxim. make it to the bedroom and there is a copy of anything by plath in plain sight, run like the wind.

1. of course they come from the same towns, but the oversized girls know where they belong, in starkvegas with the cows, they know they can’t go to Oxford and fit in.

Fresh: I would agree with you except my Bulldog-loving ass married an Ole Miss sorority girl.

BTW, I emailed Clay writing essentially the same thing. These girls are from the same freaking gene pool. The only reason MSU girls were ranked so low was because Clay chose to go a LF game. Mostt of the girls have the good sense not to show up to an 11:30 game featuring the worst team in the SEC. * OR * they were still nursing their Ricks/Kappa Sig House fueled hangovers.

Orson: you nailed the Ole Miss mating ritual. All my wife’s stories about Ole Miss football games involve her being annoyed in the Grove while her bourbon-adled exboyfriend ran around with a giant rebel flag. Good times.

I used to dig chicks that read Plath. I considered it a challenge, you know, bringing them from the “other side”.

Sure they may one day have a higher natural gas bill than most but I was always drawn to high mantainance women.

Of course girls from the same towns go to different schools, just the ugly ones go to starkvegas and the hot ones go to oxford, dated lots of them, but I knew better than to marry any of them. Every school in the SEC has gorgeous women, just in oxford 90% are unbelievable.

Wow. That Florida entry was downright uncharitable. Sounds like it was written in the same spirit as that of a Michigan freshman who broke up with his high-school girlfriend in August, but is frustrated because he’s spending his Saturday nights drinking with his buddy’s lonely Canadian RA.

Tim Tebow once moved a Florida coed’s extra 10 lbs. from the back of her arms to her chesticle area using only the power of his mind. I know, I saw the “after” picture.

i live next to ASU, the supposed #1 party school, where there’s like 5 different cosmectic surgeons who advertise in the student newspaper. and while there are plenty of hot chicks wearing next to nothing, they cant top southern girls. never seen any rebels in person, besides an old humanties teacher. she was mean, but now that i’m older, i understand that she was probably a good lay. (probably 37-40 and still single by now, maybee i should look her up)

Fresh, comment # 17, you are the classic case of a bitter man who is scorn only because you could never have the opportunity of being with an Ole Miss girl. Let it go….just let it go!

Seriously, get yourselves the picture of Tebow’s girlfriend. He loves him some fun bags.

Reb, that’s actually his sister, according to internet moles of ours.

If that’s his sister, I need to look into being an Evangelical preacher. Because those were not cheap, she had to go to McNamara/Troy to get those doubles put in correctly! And if pappa Tebow didn’t buy those, well, I’m sure she’s gotten the fire and brimstone chat a few thousand times.

I believe that the spirit just moved me.

I must add my own personal corollary to point #3: if the girl refers to her father as ‘Papa’, then rest assured that there is a cordial father figure around who will let you sample the bottle of Southern Comfort or other less expensive grades of bourbon. Once you are allowed to nip from the same bottle, flask, or other container of Jack Daniel’s, or especially the Gentleman Jack, you are essentially a made man. Let your mother know that she will be contacted for the wedding arrangements.

The only way out of this predicament involves either a pine box or relocation to a remote part of the world.

Sophia Vergara, Shakira ect. are all Colombians. That chick from Maxim with the tight bubble butt is Cuban, I think. Most Miss Universes are from Latin America. What I’m getting at, and what is overlooked by Clay, is that Ole Miss has one type of girl (with tons of makeup so you really can’t tell what she actually looks like) and that excludes Latinas. Florida, on the other hand, has a large latin population giving us some diversity of beauty. And, as a husband to a latina, what a wonderful diversity it is.

Isn’t there a rule against multiple posts about a girl’s boobs without linking a picture? If not there should be.

Having lived in Gainesville since 1989, I have to admit a noticeable drop-off in quality in the last three years….just as our scholarly ranking rises. Damn those honor students. Can’t they go somewhere else and leave room for the hot girls? Like Vanderbilt, for example

Here’s tebow’s girlfriend or sister. As long as he knows difference, right?

Or transfers to Marshall or WVU.

(Hey, sometimes the cheap joke is the best joke.)

Yes, but Stranko, your wife is one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever met— not every lawya is so lucky.

Wait, does this only apply to Ole Miss girls from Mississippi? What if you are dating one from Birmingham? Should I be making a phone call right now?

Maybe he ranks Florida so low because they come with Yankee inlaws. I have to agree with Ole Miss #1 and will stand up for my Auburn girls.The trick there is to remember that no one actually makes a holstein pattern skirt so if she’s wearing one, you may have stumbled into the cow pasture by mistake…

Vandy #3? Why not? I likes ’em smart. They can use physics and find ways to catapult their bodies off the headboards are frightening speeds.

As for Tebow’s sister/lover? Damn.

Thank you TCOAN. ;)

Todd, you may be all right. But just to make sure: if you feel pincers on the back of your neck during mating, stop, drop, and roll away quickly.

“To summarize, if you’re looking for a cheap, freaky shag, Oxford’s the place, but like Orson says, be sure to protect the navy blazer. If you’re looking for a wife, check out Starkville.”

Hello, Delta? I’d like one ticket to Oxford, Mississippi please.

Your “internets” and “ebays” frighten and confuse me, therefore I can only cut and paste the following. I see no evidence in this photograph to support the “sister” theory.

http://www.btea.org/staff/tebow.htm

Hey, look at that! I don’t have to work the internet, it works for me. Sweet!

Well, now you’ve dashed all my dreams. But I think there is one group of women who have them beat in all respects. The indominitable girls from Texas. Ever heard the term “More upkeep than a North Dallas Blonde?”

A post truly borne out of jealousy and spite.

Besides, if you look closely enough you can see that male mantis smiling. Totally worth it.

Personally I’m not a fan of the Ole Miss ladies, but I wholeheartedly agree with 2-4, and his descriptions fit perfectly as well.
The people insulting Vanderbilt women have either never been there, hate beautiful women, or are gay. Head up to Nashville sometime and wait until the second half of a game, they don’t show up until then.

Good job, Clay.

Stranko hits it right on the head. Not only does Florida have the lovely southern girls, we have tons of latin girls, AND a huge asian population.

Oh yea, I just remembered my favorite Ole Miss quote: “The school that red-shirts Miss Americas.”

Exactly #53, that’s why Ole Miss is at the top. It’s arguable whether Vandy should be #3 or slightly lower, but they’ve certainly got their share of lookers, with the bonus that they can actually hold a conversation. You know, if you are into that kind of thing every once in awhile.

The Numbers Game Dept. or Too Much Time on my Hands:

I checked the SEC undergrad enrollment figures and listed them below, highest to lowest. I assumed females were half of the student body, and it seems quite clearly to me that the odds of there being hot chicks is greater at Florida than Ole Miss, given that there are twice as many females in Fl as there are at Ole Miss. (I could go into a bell curve analysis, blah, blah, blah, but I would only confuse myself silly, since I struggled through stats class.)

No. Univ. Undergrad Females

1 Florida 34,612 17,306
2 LSU 28,423 14,212
3 UGA 25,236 12,618
4 Bama 23,875 11,938
5 Tenn 20,100 10,050
6 Auburn 19,780 9,890
7 Kentucky 18,492 9,246
8 S. Car 18,362 9,181
9 Ole Miss 16,300 8,150
10 Arky 14,873 7,437
11 Miss St. 12,555 6,278
12 Vandy 6,402 3,201

SKLM—yes, and using your reasoning, the odds are that there are twice as many ugly girls at UF, too.

When did Tennessee Williams get in here?

Ragin Man Logic:

Take a sample of SEC women, which are a typical homogenous population. (Florida diverse babe population duly noted.)

Rate the babes. I bet you will get the usual percentages, 10% hot, 20% pretty, 50% average looking (duh), 10% one baggers, and 10% two-baggers. I have seen this same bell curve type thing almost everywhere I have been to, excpet the Ivy League, but that is not representative of humanity.

Playing this simple numbers game will clearly show you that for Old Miss to beat out Florida or even UGA they need to have a hugh percentage of hot babes, which is not possible or defensible.

of course there is a very good reason i spend more than half of each year living in peru.

I have made it to 10 of the 12 SEC schools for games and I think UK should be WAY up this list. Maybe we just got lucky and stumbled into the right bar after the game, but it was impressive. Then again, maybe I am just getting old and any bar containing college age girls is impressive to me now.

There’s no way Ole Miss has 16k undergrads. That includes the graduate/med school numbers. http://www.ihl.state.ms.us/newsstory.asp?ID=422

(Pardon all my recent past spellyng mistaykes. I am still in a fog over Tebow’s bodacious babe picture – it is not his sister!)

Bean Counter Dept:

Travis: I just used undergrad population figures, to keep things equal. Grad students are sometimes not in the same main campus, plus, other factors, which I will not bore this thread with….

SKLM: “for Old Miss to beat out Florida or even UGA they need to have a hugh percentage of hot babes, which is not possible”

Clearly you have never been to Oxford. I think a UF fan summed it up best when he said “I can’t swing a dead cat in the Grove without hitting a hot girl.”

Rebel Fan:

I have not been to Rebel land, nor Gator land. True.

But, until there is something besides anectdotal evidence, I am sticking to my logic, since the whole South is pretty much homogeneous, (not that there is anything wrong with white-bread white women)

I bet you will get the usual percentages…

Everyone knows that only 5% of the population is attractive. It’s like a 20:1 shot.

-“No way…”
-“Have ya been to the Motor Vehicle Bureau? Its a leper colony there.”
-“So, basically what you’re saying is 95% of the population is undatable?”
-“UNDATABLE.”
-“So how are all these people gettin’ together?”
-“Alcohol.”

JJ:

“5% of the population is attractive…” Seinfeld quote?

That is probably true, but that is of the COMPLETE population pool.

But, if you just judge the college age population – 18 to 22 or so, you get the babes, before they have let themselves go, hence, my higher percentage of hot and pretty babes on college campuses.

What with all this discussion of numbers and statistics? Surely a strapping, virile buck with the right JAY-NAY-SAY-KWAH can attract any lovely damsel, whether there are 5 or 5,000.

Do you all plan on doing the Boomhauer technique on women? Which is summed up by “piss off 10, attract 1.”

As a SoCal native I’ve only had the pleasure of visiting Athens and Oxford in the SEC. The women of Ole Miss have sinister Southern Belle capabilities. It starts with a smile that is viciously captivating followed by an over the top feminine accent that can cripple the unprepared. Faulkner blows and blows…and blows; his women do not. Besides, oral sex is overrated.

I will have to agree with the ranking of Ole Miss. However, I do not agree that Florida or Kentucky should have been ranked so low.

I dunno. Growing up in Gainesville, I saw years and years of gorgeousness come through that school. The gorgeous mosaic of diversity that is the State of Florida serves its flagship school very well.

As for Clay’s #7 (UT),
“Once there was a girl on rocky top,
Half bear the other half cat.”

Yeah, I’m gonna join the chorus in diagreeing with Fresh. They do NOT come from the same towns. Olive Branch girls may go to Miss St., but Ole Miss gals come from just across the line. I think a good third of the senior cheerleaders from my HS went to Ole Miss (Germantown ‘90). They were a smokin’ bunch; now they’re all Warm Leatherette.

SKLM: your figures are wrong. OM has close to 15k total population at Oxford, while State has over 16k. I hate to get into a pissing contest over silly numbers, but we State fans don’t have much to crow about so I want every one to be clear, MSU is not smaller than Ole Miss. [nerd fight over]

Orson, I don’t understand, you make the old-school Ole Miss girl marriage sound like a bad thing. If you can’t compete with Daddy, then you’re effectively off the hook for having to try at all. Substitute sporting clays for duck hunting and I’d be willing to give it a go… because frankly being married to a Vassar alumna is too much like hard work.

Well, now we’re just debating gradations of hell here, DG. Like: Spicy Southwestern Ranch Hell vs. Honey Dijon Damnation.

1. - So Florida is a haven for porn lovers. Oh wait – isn’t that where the BangBus trolls?

ah, glad to see you reported on this afterall…

i can’t tell you how pissed i was about being removed from the south before my last year of high school and subsequently winding up in a midwestern university. granted the arkansas women are supposedly only #10 of 12 but still…

however, for a MAC school, we grow ’em nice in Mt Pleasant and I picked me a winner I figure

The arguement that the girls at Ole Miss come from the same towns as the ones from Mississippi State is very misleading. Ole Miss is around 40% out of state, and when you start to consider the sororities, I would easily say that they are more than 50% out of state. Granted most of these girls are from the south, but not the same towns as the girls in Starkville. Basically, Ole miss pulls the best talent in Mississippi, but also has some great recruiting bases in the cities and suburbs of Memphis, Nashville, Birmingham, Mobile, New Orleans, Atlanta, and Dallas.

This is a late post, so if you are reading this far, you don’t have enough to do during your day… good for you

I have traveled extensively throughout the Southeast for many years… spent many nights in dinky towns like Starkville, Auburn, Tuscaloosa, and Athens. Just as many nights in the big towns as well, Nashville, Knoxville, Miami, etc. I am going to vouch here and now that there is something so definitively unusual about Mississippi as to be eerie when it comes to the lovelies….. and here is my proof: Go to Miss…. travel from Yazoo City to Olive Branch, from Gulfport to Tupelo….. visit every Waffle House and/or Shoneys… even the McDonalds…. check it our and you will see a level of ladies working even at these basements of beautyland that will astound you. I am in the midst of a study that should prove what I speculate to be fact: the folks in Mississippi kill more female babies every year than the Chinese do…. but they are ALL UGLY FEMALE BABIES

In all other states you get a regular x-section of pretty and ugly. As for Florida, only someone with extreme bigotry or racism clouding their eyes would not notice the beautiful blondes mixed with the stunning Latinas. The Asian population is far prettier out west, but adds to the Floridian potporri in a significant way. If simple blonde and brunette broth is to your liking, Auburn is very nice, but the “city strumpet” factor in Athens is heady.

As for the bottom of the list, Arkansas has squarely landed with it’s unpedicured feet on that spot. I know there exists a spattering of comely lasses there, or else the whole state would become a hunter’s refuge, unfit for anything but bachelors and fleeing husbands. As proof I have only to point to our 42nd President, and remind you that he was a good catch in his day, obviously skilled at oral persuasion, and look what he cast his net over. Nuff said.

I’m glad that it was definitively decided that Tim Tebow was not banging his hot sister. That’s just how ugly Internet rumors about incestuous boy wonder SEC QBs get started. Anyways, I though Tebow was beyond silly classifications like gender, having attained a certain asexuality on his higher plane of existence.

Futbawl Fan, did you really just describe Knoxville as a big town???

Oh and SKLM the major flaw with your numbers besides the idiotic assumption that the south is homogeneous, is that all the universities you mentionted have the same female population percentage. Not true, and it is above 50 for a lot of them.

I’m from Mississippi and have been to UF and UGA numerous times. Those schools have lots of girls who are slightly above average, say 6 or 7, but not many 9s or 10s. If you see one the light is shimmering around her and people are parting like the red sea. However, go to the grove or go out in Oxford and you see hundreds of girls that are 9s and 10s. This causes depression in the 6, 7s and even 8s. You can be a total jerk to these girls and still pick them up in oxford.

I will admit the makeup and pagentry does push girls that are 7s and 8s into 9 and 10 territory, but they are so damn consistent. Every night they dress up, even when they are going for a run. It is just not even close how much better the girls are at Ole Miss than the rest of the SEC.

Oh, also… as a grad student at the university of texas I am severely disappointed in the talent out there. It is much like UF. Lots of slightly above average girls and no 9s and 10s.

“Having said all this, if Tim Tebow were a woman, I’d rank them No. 1.”

what exactly was he getting at with that one? Not that their is anything wrong with it…

1. DC Trojan,

I would think being married to a Vassar Alumna would increase your chances of the FFM threesome, no?

#78:

Typical Ole Miss homerism BS.

Your “percentage of out of state” numbers, first of all, are speculation on your part, and secondly, you can say that a percentage of students come from out of state at any other school, too.

All the other comments on here about “the ugly ones going to starkville” is more BS. The talent in Starkville is on par with the talent in Oxford, and anyone who says otherwise is a damned, certifiable fool.

Alabama-Tuscaloosa isn’t getting enough love in that poll, either. The leg quotient is very nice there. I would have to put Georgia-Athens as number one in my poll. Ole Miss has beautiful women, but to say they’re #1 and MSU is #12, when the two schools are 80 miles apart in the same state, is retarded.

#72…all kinds of kids go to State from Germantown, too. Half of MSU’s baseball team, it seems, is from Houston and Germantown high schools.

As a MSU grad, I will defer to the ladies of Ole Miss hands down as the best in the state and SEC. The problem with The Grove is wading through the sea of d-bags with bangs and matching red pants with [insert color] Izod shirts that comprise the male population of Ole Miss.

#78: The reigning Miss Mississippi is from MSU. Just sayin’.

Well if nothing else, I expected someone to throw out “Wasted on bourbon eating catfish and hitting on Ole Miss girls at Taylor Grocery.” as the start of what would no doubt be a great story.

Wooderson:
Marrying a Vassar alum means you get to hear about all the FFM threesomes and moresomes, but you don’t actually get to participate.

There’s a big, big difference.

As a UF grad who spent a year in Jackson, MS, let me say this. Ole Miss girls are definitely more open than UF girls. They dress like they are suppressing..but they smoke and drink and, as you all know, that means they will scrog…….this is good, good news, but they do morph, eventually, into the domineering ball-breaker described above.

They also much more forward than UF women. Now, I married a Savannah, GA girl who’s family meets most of the stereotypes noted above. But, she attended college at UF, and, low and behold, she became a delightful human being……so change is possible…at the right university, of course….

I second Stranko on the Latin women too…although I didn’t marry one, I loved “driving the bus” while in college….

#74 DC Trojan, I would think being married to a Vassar Alumna would increase your chances of the FFM threesome, no?

No, that’s Wellesley, as I found out too late. Apparently if they’ve taken the bus ride to Harvard for a change of pace, they feel they must make the trip worthwhile…

And Vassar went co-ed in the early 70s so it’s not so much on the ladies-loving-ladies front these days.

Marrying a Vassar alum means you get to hear about all the FFM threesomes and moresomes, but you don’t actually get to participate. There’s a big, big difference.

The operating principle at Casa DC Trojan is like the recitation of the specials of the day at a restaurant: if it’s not available now, don’t tell me about it. Everyone’s happier that way.

ole miss, sure, my dawgs second, that’s also reasonable. Lets not discount a Tx girl. My wife was homecoming queen from Houston Baptist Uni. Masters in finance, and trust me, very easy on the eyes.

#49: In recent years, there has been an influx of hot Texas girls into the Ole Miss student population. Unfortunately, there has also been an influx of guys from Texas as well. This has been well documented in Oxford. In fact, the takeover has been so noticeable, the in-state students regularly bitch about the Texans trying to take over Oxford. (Though, no one is complaining about the most recent Texan immigrant – Jevan Snead.)

#58: The problem is you have obviously not been to Oxford. The bell curve goes out the window. The ratio of hot women to ugly women is staggering. Herein lies the reason for Ole Miss’ reputation. How many places can you go where you literally have to look hard to find an ugly girl when you’re among thousands of people in one place at one time? Our walkons would be starters at most schools.

Orson: If it means that much to you, I’ll be glad to make a trade for the 2007 season. We’ll take the fat chicks and give you the beauties. You take Yaw Yaw and Brent Shaeffa and give us Urban and Jesus. I’m sure the OSU win can last you through one bad season on the field.

State fan: Quit being such a homer. If only it were as simple as claiming the’re all from the same town. The talent in Oxford is comprised not merely of Mississippi girls, but of the hot blondes of suburbian Houston and Dallas, the daddy’s girls of Mountain Brook and Mobile, the rebellious coonass beauties of Baton Rouge and New Orleans who chose to attend Ole Miss over LSU just to piss off their families, and, oddly enough Missouri. Unfortunately for the Missouri schools, we seem to get what little talent they have up there. Throw in a handful of yankees who come from Southern lineage, and you’ve got the reason we keep attending football games and partying in the Grove regardless of the wins and losses on the field.

#86….I’m confused now. You’re talking about baseball players? WTF? I think you just made our point. Thank you and good night.

#87: Vineyard Vines, bitch.