We continue our New Year’s liveblog by flipping back and forth between games. We’re going into a Zen state sometime in the next three minutes or so.

12:20: As if on cue, we turn the channel to the Cotton Bowl and Auburn’s blocking a punt. Wait–no. They’re actually faking a punt on a reverse, which Auburn speedily dismantles. Callahan shows his inner schmuck by making that call, putting Auburn on the NU 15 or so.

Courtney Taylor catches a pass at the one, hits the ground hard, and the camera zooms to catch him whispering the word “damn” to himself. He looks like someone just blindsided him with a sledgehammer.

12:25: The Cutcliffe Classic continues in the Outback: a screen seemingly thrown into a crowd goes for a long touchdown for Tennessee, who ties it up at 10. Blackledge does a nice job showing how a single stiff-arm by Lamarcus Coker broke the whole play open. A Penn State defender looks like he’s about to piss himself and start weeping on the sidelines, chewing on a towel and rocking back and forth.

12:29: Auburn scores on the short field. Callahan just handing out touchdowns if you need ‘em.

12:33: Tennessee breathes on Anthony Morelli after the ball’s out and gets jobbed on a roughing the passer call. A quick out, field goal try, and it’s a very appropriate 10-10 at the half. Holly interviews Fat Phil, who says nothing of interest for the 648th halftime interview in a row.

12:39: Nebraska’s tied it up. Summerall’s ogling the Cotton Bowl’s new scoreboard, which seems to take an average-sized scoreboard and triple its size with garish adspace. The Fox camera lingers sarcastically on it for a second.

12:50: Nebraska’s d-line is blackshirting Auburn’s o-line. Brandon Cox still doesn’t look right, and hasn’t since the Georgia game. He’s shaky, indecisive, and getting milliseconds to properly throw the ball.

12:53: Lou Holtz mocks the paycheck ESPN hands him by picking Georgia Tech in the Gator Bowl against West Virginia.

The Nutrisystem commercials are killing us–John Kruk exclaiming “My wife says I’m not as disgusting as I used to be!” Share your inner pain with us, Krukkie.


Now they call him skinny! Everyone weighs less without a Super Bowl ring.

12:59: We’ll say it now: a sure sign Auburn will win this game is that they are tied at the half despite eating their own ass braised in a tasty burgundy broth as served by Nebraska. They’ll cobble together a lead on a blocked punt, a pick, a fumble, some motley collection of factors adding up to a win. It’s the Tuberville way.

1:03: Sometime in the 1950s, a young David Cutcliffe was beaten senseless by a thuggish wideout in Pee Wee ball. This must be the only explanation for his insistence on teaching his quarterbacks to hang out wideouts to die in Cover 2, which is just what Ainge did to Jayson Swain in drastic fashion. He’s down at the commercial break. ESPN shows us Eric Wilbur’s fucking punt block at Auburn again, you bastards, you bastards, you bastards.

1:13: On the screen, ESPN wins audio kudos: on the busted screen following the PI call against Meachem, ESPN captures someone on Penn State screaming “SCREEEEEEEN! SCREEEEEEN!” Posluzny ends the drive with a form tackle and brainy recognition.

1:19: AHHHH. The Capital One Bowl is on, and we’re officially overstimulated. And it’s sooooo goood.