What did we learn today?

–Auburn makes tasty sausage victory out of nasty bits of football scraps.

–Tennessee can’t run in the SEC, or against the Big Ten.

–JoePa likes it up in the booth, especially since he can watch old episodes of Barnaby Jones and enjoy a nice glass of scotch during the game without everyone getting all tightassed on him.

–Arkansas has not changed a bit at all in any way–for the worse.

–Wisconsin hasn’t either–for the better.

–The Big Ten doesn’t suck at all, but playing football without a quarterback does.

–Do not play West Virginia in a bowl game. You will lose in aorta-damaging fashion and shave three years off your life in the process.

–Chan Gailey owes Calvin Johnson millions.

–Phil Fulmer, wallowing in his sorrows, was just shot with a harpoon gun as he attempted to wash his cares away with a swim just off Clearwater Beach.

We’re watching the Rose Bowl sans blogging. See you Tuesday.

Bravo, Penn State, to your fans and to that half-assed craft project you call a mascot.

Part three of today’s liveblogging. In the class picture, we’re the kid burning out the remote with both thumbs.

We…can’t…look away…

1:35: PIG SOOIEEE! Felix Jones takes the end-around for a zillion yards to go up 7-3 on Arkansas. Pity the poor Badger defender who had to take on blocker Marcus Monk, who must be like trying to tackle a charging giraffe.

1:42: Holly Rowe on ESPN is wearing her junior Khmer Rouge outfit: black commandante’s cap, black jacket, and presumably an AK-47 stowed somewhere off-camera. Auburn has decided to play offense this half by going deep ball, deep ball, deep ball.

1:51: Arkansas’ 5-2 defense gets adjustments from Wisconsin’s offense; Stocco suddenly getting protection, allowing him to float a beautiful fade to finish off a 91-yard drive. Tennessee/Penn State a punt fest.

1:58: Cotton Bowl: Auburn goes up by a field goal, beginning the script for a head-cheese tasty victory for Auburn, made up of all spare parts and gristle. The Fox coverage is too ADD even for us: zooming in on individual players, changing angles, and muddying up the continuity of the game in the name of sizzle.

2:02: Some teams die by interception, others by blocked punt or braindead coaching decisions. Tennessee seems to die by fumble: Arian Foster fumbles after a huge Ainge pass play, Penn State runs it back, and exemplary camera work shows Foster suspended inches above the turf with the ball squirting out.

2:07: Holy hell, Gator Bowl’s on, and Holtz might not be retarded: now that Georgia Tech has a quarterback playing quarterback, Calvin Johnson’s playing against the JV squad here.

2:22: Can Calvin Johnson sue Chan Gailey for lost bonus money? Can Tech fire him for the blown potential Tech lost due to his insistance on starting a grumpy, myopic five-foot tall malcontent who couldn’t wrap his hands around the ball properly for four years? Taylor Bennett–that’s football code for no one–has Johnson at 142 yards and two tds already against West Virginia.

Perhaps our rage should be tempered by the fact that WVU’s defense is rank like fermented jockstrap extract. As we type this, Bennett throws another touchdown. The little men bring the great ones down one mismanaged decision at a time.

2:36: Tennessee couldn’t run. Penn State could. Barring anomolous disaster, Tennessee will lose to Penn State, putting the Big Ten in the win column and ensuring a rapid rise in the stock price of fried steak nuggets in the Tampa Bay commodity markets. The SEC is 1-3 in the last four Outback Bowls. As with all things Tampa, we blame Judas Priest, the official soundtrack of the 813, for all those problems.

Owen Schmitt is giving wood to all fullback-lovers out there in the Gator Bowl, bowling over defenders and closing in on a hundred yards.

2:50: If you combined Wisconsin and Arkansas, you might have a complete kickass offense. Arkansas’ all run, Wisconsin’s all pass. Big Ten forcing SEC to eat its cake today.

2:54: “It is not the national championship, but it sure feels like it.” ESPN/ABC/Disney/Cthulu Inc. has one BCS bowl, dammit, and you will pay attention. The nonstop propaganda stream blazing out of the spigots at the WWL might be cresting right now. On the other hand, we saw a flyer for the Orange Bowl featuring Wake Forest and Louisville at a MARTA station. If we watch it, we might win a free hat!

3:00: Auburn, true to form, finishes the tasty sausagemaking of an Auburn victory by nullifying Nebraska for a 17-14 victory. Bill Callahan meets Tuberville at midfield, calls him “a fucking redneck,” and walks away pouting.

3:43: Oh wow. We take a break and Georgia Tech Gaileys out and blows a huge lead to West Virginia, which should leave approximately zero persons passed out on the ground in shock. Did anyone mention that Pat White is from Alabama? And wasn’t sniffed at by Bama?

3:58: Gary Danielson suggests calling Calvin Johnson “the Toilet,” since “nothing hits the ground.” He’s evidently never lived in a bachelor’s apartment, or visited the People’s Republic of China. In many quarters of the world, the borders of a toilet are merely suggested starting points for personal artistic whimsy.

The Toilet.

4:06: Owen Schmitt is bringing manly back in the Gator Bowl, a massive, facemask-destroying fullback forced into a primary role with the injury to Steve Slaton. Between him and the Mountaineer whooping and hoisting his musket while wearing a still-dripping-blood deerskin outfit, West Virginia’s testosterone quotient is unmeasurable with our metrics right now.

4:29: Arkansas does nothing but spin backwards on its possessions. Somehow, after all the fooferaw and hubbub surrounding the new Arkansas offense and the hiring of Gus Malzahn, one of Orson’s rules remains inviolate and true: people never change ever. This Arkansas team looks like every other Arkansas team we’ve watched lose a bowl game.

Wisconsin–huzzah to you. New coach–pas de problem, monsieur. You had a better year than under Alvarez, especially satisfying given all the overrated crap you received from every hack pollster and blogger around (um, yeah, we didn’t say that.) Well-played.

4:35: Paul Maguire just said this: “Ohio State’s not gonna lose.” Does this guarantee a Florida victory? This is a scientific question, not a humorous one. We really believe Paul has the power to antagonistically determine outcomes.

We continue our New Year’s liveblog by flipping back and forth between games. We’re going into a Zen state sometime in the next three minutes or so.

12:20: As if on cue, we turn the channel to the Cotton Bowl and Auburn’s blocking a punt. Wait–no. They’re actually faking a punt on a reverse, which Auburn speedily dismantles. Callahan shows his inner schmuck by making that call, putting Auburn on the NU 15 or so.

Courtney Taylor catches a pass at the one, hits the ground hard, and the camera zooms to catch him whispering the word “damn” to himself. He looks like someone just blindsided him with a sledgehammer.

12:25: The Cutcliffe Classic continues in the Outback: a screen seemingly thrown into a crowd goes for a long touchdown for Tennessee, who ties it up at 10. Blackledge does a nice job showing how a single stiff-arm by Lamarcus Coker broke the whole play open. A Penn State defender looks like he’s about to piss himself and start weeping on the sidelines, chewing on a towel and rocking back and forth.

12:29: Auburn scores on the short field. Callahan just handing out touchdowns if you need ‘em.

12:33: Tennessee breathes on Anthony Morelli after the ball’s out and gets jobbed on a roughing the passer call. A quick out, field goal try, and it’s a very appropriate 10-10 at the half. Holly interviews Fat Phil, who says nothing of interest for the 648th halftime interview in a row.

12:39: Nebraska’s tied it up. Summerall’s ogling the Cotton Bowl’s new scoreboard, which seems to take an average-sized scoreboard and triple its size with garish adspace. The Fox camera lingers sarcastically on it for a second.

12:50: Nebraska’s d-line is blackshirting Auburn’s o-line. Brandon Cox still doesn’t look right, and hasn’t since the Georgia game. He’s shaky, indecisive, and getting milliseconds to properly throw the ball.

12:53: Lou Holtz mocks the paycheck ESPN hands him by picking Georgia Tech in the Gator Bowl against West Virginia.

The Nutrisystem commercials are killing us–John Kruk exclaiming “My wife says I’m not as disgusting as I used to be!” Share your inner pain with us, Krukkie.

Now they call him skinny! Everyone weighs less without a Super Bowl ring.

12:59: We’ll say it now: a sure sign Auburn will win this game is that they are tied at the half despite eating their own ass braised in a tasty burgundy broth as served by Nebraska. They’ll cobble together a lead on a blocked punt, a pick, a fumble, some motley collection of factors adding up to a win. It’s the Tuberville way.

1:03: Sometime in the 1950s, a young David Cutcliffe was beaten senseless by a thuggish wideout in Pee Wee ball. This must be the only explanation for his insistence on teaching his quarterbacks to hang out wideouts to die in Cover 2, which is just what Ainge did to Jayson Swain in drastic fashion. He’s down at the commercial break. ESPN shows us Eric Wilbur’s fucking punt block at Auburn again, you bastards, you bastards, you bastards.

1:13: On the screen, ESPN wins audio kudos: on the busted screen following the PI call against Meachem, ESPN captures someone on Penn State screaming “SCREEEEEEEN! SCREEEEEEN!” Posluzny ends the drive with a form tackle and brainy recognition.

1:19: AHHHH. The Capital One Bowl is on, and we’re officially overstimulated. And it’s sooooo goood.

It will be a truly, truly epic day of bowl watching. Remember to hydrate well and stretch.

Hydrate well.

We begin with the Outback Bowl, which like all games we’ll be liveblogging today. TAMPA RULZ, BABEEE!!! If you squint, you can almost smell the Franzia through the screen.

11:06: Morelli’s been turned loose against Tennessee. They’re doing the Monday Night Football thing where they allow a defensive player to introduce the starting lineup. He refers to the Tennessee defense as “the REAL UT defense.” Take that, Texas: we want your acronym.

Field goal wide. Unlike Bobby Bowden, he does not have to be told what just happened as he slams his fist down on the table in the booth.

11:18: Penn State’s got some juju working today–Tony Hunt’s running nine yard seams through the Tennessee defense. Are we supposed to be WOO SEC partisans here? Rusty does not describe the way they look today, especially on defense.

11:21: And yet, Penn State punt punt punt. Screw that Capital One commercial; as a kid we would have loved to have flown to Orlando on a crop duster driven by a drunk, toothless madman. These people are not Vikings.

11:25: Jayson Swain jukes and shimmies for a long gain on an otherwise innocuous-looking short curl. It’s the first pass play of any real significance. Ainge must have died after last season and was replaced by an android, because this is not the same player.

11:34 (Stranko) Happy New Year Orson! I think that guy in the crowd stole your fake Elvis hair mask.

11:36: The same to you and yours, Stranko. Tennessee’s Inevitably Accurate Kicker (James Wilhoit in this case) puts them up 3.

ESPN’s gone Google Earth Mad lately. We so want them to zoom in on the flaming wreck of Glen Mason’s house in Minneapolis. That little black spot in the snow is Mason, weeping.

11:40 (Stranko): Fair catch at the 4. That’s a Knoxville Education for you.

11:42 (Stranko): By the way. I finally took the plunge and am watching this bowl season in spectacular High Definition. It is soo wonderful it may make Florida’s offense look good. I may never leave my coach again. Although I will say Jenkins does not belong in HD

11:46: Holly Rowe on the sidelines is piping in Vol offensive planning. If JoePa watched tv, this might help Penn State.

And in the middle of a Cutcliffe Classic drive, Tennessee gets too cute on an end-around, fumbles, and gives the moribund Penn State offense field position.

11:49: (Stranko). I wasn’t sure you saw that play since I found out the tournament of Roses parade is on like 15 different channels. I thought it was TCOAN getting some revenge on you.

11:50 (Stranko): By the way, are you thinking about getting a hot tub? I have a strange urge to watch Bowl games in hot ass soup for some reason.

11:54 (Stranko): Off to go eat Pizza at the folks house (with Football on of course). Check ya later.

11:56: Penn State scores on a field goal after Turk McBride in effect ends the drive by popping through unblocked and swallowing Tony Hunt on a run. 3 all–feel the vibration!

12:08: Announcing foul on Blackledge, who despite having the poise to mock his 1982 12 hair mustache commits an unpardonable when he refers to an end-around as “a reverse.” Boo.

12:12: After nifty fullback screen and mansome Tony Hunt runs, Anthony Morelli unleashes a very un-Uncle Ricoish pass down the sideline to put the Lions on the three.

12:14. Second down and goal is the new first down and goal. We blame Charlie Weis for the fad, but Galen Hall’s been stealing everyone’s stuff lately: Morelli skies a play-action pass to the tight end to put Penn State up 10-3 over Tennessee, who is playing patently dumb football right now.