[NAME REDACTED]: PICTURE HIM ROLLIN’.
How does [NAME REDACTED] convince brawny, less than brainy recruits that he’s the guy for them? Um…like this?
We’re at a loss for words. Discuss below.
December 28, 2006
COWS IN WOMEN’S UNDERWEAR: DESPERATE TIMES AT THE TEXAS BOWL
Rutgers ended the season badly by dropping two (TWO!?!) games, sinking to a miserable 10-2 previously unheard of at Rutgers–unheard of because they haven’t gone 10-2 or anything close since 1976, when they were rolling over the Colgates of this world on they way to an 11-0 record of dubious merit.
The Texas Bowl won’t shine the beltbuckle of too many Rutgers fans on its own merits. While other teams rip down Lowe’s Motor Speedway at 180 mph or even go “south of the border” (WOO!!! Donkey show for you, student-athlete!), the boys from Rutgers are in Houston throwing shit around and dressing up cows in underwear. Literally.
Players from Rutgers gamely participated in the rodeo bowl, a competition involving roping, dung-tossing and dressing cattle in women’s underwear.
At Kansas State, this constitutes dating. Wocka-wocka! ZING! ZOWEE!!! Our favorite quote from the whole article, though, comes late in the piece:
Off to one side, a rodeo instructor named Dick Hudgins tried to improve the accuracy of Mike Teel, the starting quarterback for Rutgers. When Teel made an errant toss with his lasso, Hudgins asked him, “You’re not a quarterback, are you?†Teel did not respond.
Sign that man to a scouting contract–now.
No cowboy: Mike Teel, bad with a lasso.
BOWLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL ‘06-’07: THE HOLIDAY BOWL
Subcommandante Wayne, the Ohio State fan who defaces this blog every week until Jan. 8th with a can of scarlet spray paint and his inimitable diction, arrives late for his guest column today, which will be his breakdown of the Holiday Bowl. As always: um, enjoy?
Name: The Holiday Bowl, which sounds totally gay to the Subcommandante. Especially after his own holiday to Vegas last week ended up soooo busted-up and shitty. Holiday, my ass. You try finding a legal hooker in East St. Louis. It’s like they don’t even know prostitution is legal, man.
Subcommandante Wayne says that East St. Louis is not worthy of his rockedness.
Motto: The Pacific Life Holiday Bowl: suck my ass, world! That’s not the motto of the bowl, man, but it should be, since I’m telling the whole world to do that this week in any way I can. Case in point: last night with my mom.
Scene: the kitchen.
Mom: “Wayne, when are you going to get the Grand Am fixed?”
Me: “Soon, Mom, gaaaaaww. I’m all tapped out from getting it towed from St. Louis.”
Mom: “You could get a job and stop playing that craft game you’re always talking about.”
Me: “Suck my ass mom!”
Actually that’s not what I said at all. (more…)
BOWLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL ‘06-’07: THE INDEPENDENCE BOWL
Name: Sadly, not the Poulan Weed Eater Bowl anymore: no, just the bland, old, trustworthy Independence Bowl, sans Poulan Weed Eater. For those of us that remember the glory of the Poulan Weed Eater Independence bowl, the shine of this game will never wax as bright as it did when named after a lawn tool.
Motto: Shreveport or Die! Again, no real motto to this one. Though we’re all about “Shreveport or Die,” since it sounds like a song your local bar band Dad likes would play. (You know, white boy stomp music for the Delbert McClinton-listening, “I-tuck-my-golf-shirt-into-my-jean-shorts” crowd.)
Fake Bowl? Hardly. The Independence Bowl gots history, sir: lest you think the pre-Christmas bowl game began as yet another fecal creation of the Worldwide Leader, the Independence Bowl began its life as a December 13th bowl game in 1976 between McNeese State and Tulsa.
Intrusive Corporate Sponsor: PetroSun. They drill for oil, a likely suspect for a sponsor of a bowl based in the industrial heartland of Louisiana. Weirdly enough, they do not have a corporate website. We must therefore assume they are run by a shadowy global conglomerate, and that their every move is plotted by a one-eyed majordomo bent on world domination. Expect Jason Bourne to interrupt halftime festivities with a spectacular fight scene where he kills an internationally renowned assassin with a clarinet.
Tradition Rating: Older than most, and very nearly approaching venerable. The top hits of 1976 included Lou Rawls’ “You’ll Never Find a Love Like Mine,” so we’ll call the Independence Bowl at a rating of Lou Rawlsish. When else are we going to find an excuse to post a clip of Lou Rawls giving a prostate exam to Damon Wayans?
Setup: SEC/Big 12. After years of shuffling around, the matchups here have been quality eatin’ over the past few years. Last year’s furious Missouri comeback was the latest in a chain of good games. Something about middling SEC and middling Big 12 teams equals viewing gold. This gives you yet another excuse to plead explosive diarrhea, leave the office with your hand placed theatrically over your ass, and then run home to catch the game at 4:30.
Location. Shreveport, though the city’s pushing for wider brand recognition of the name “Shreveport-Bossier.” When you’ve got a brand name like “Shreveport,” though, we don’t know why you’d ever mess with it.
We know two reasons why Shreveport is cool, though. (more…)
DAMN YOU, UCLA: FOILED AGAIN!
The Subcommandante will be along in a bit. First, foozball news.
Never outsource your dastardly plots. Never! There FSU was, all tied to the railroad tracks, down 27-23 and getting run over by UCLA, a team that couldn’t run its way through soggy drywall all year. If it was us in charge of this dastardly plot, we would have twiddled our inky black mustache, secured the Seminoles to the track tightly with only the newest, bleached-white rope, and then backed away and let the 4:23 inbound from Portland do the work.
Alas: not all help is created equal. UCLA just sat there, locked at 27-23 for five minutes or so, and when the inevitable rush came flying back for FSU, they collapsed. Yes, they did get off the rails with the assistance of a positively negligent no-call on a pass-interference play where Greg Carr tossed a db to the ground and caught the patented Jeff Bowden Jump Ball for a touchdown. (Jeff Bowden’s reaction shot nearly made us throw up our cough medicine.)
But UCLA let Polly Trueheart off the tracks, and even loosened a few coils of the rope just to make things fair. Nestor and the rest of Bruins Nation weren’t even surprised, right? 4th and nothing on FSU’s goal line, and Dorrell opts for the field goal despite running at will on FSU’s defense to that point. That’s how you end up losing 44-27 to a team Wake Forest blanked at home.
Never, ever send someone else to do your dirty work. Nevah!
Always, always tie the maiden to the tracks yourself. You never know how other people will do it.
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