Subcommandante Wayne will be along in a bit. There’s some actual news going on, and let’s not let Wayne near that, shall we?

In an era where some professors cower and even abet the scullduggery associated with many D-1 football programs’ academics, one professor has stood up and said NAY to grade-fixing. That brave soul refused to give yet another break to a shiftless student, stood up for the standards that made that university great, and simply said: the line must be drawn hyah!

(And actually, we’re pretty sure they said exactly that and in that voice, since this is Georgia Tech, and that’s exactly what Picard said versus the Borg when he flipped out at Alfre Woodard, except he said “Reggie Ball” wherever he’s talking about the Borg. Oh, and he probably didn’t accuse Ball of decimating whole worlds, either, though Tech fans rightfullycould.)

That brave professor may also be acting entirely of spite and self-interest as a football fan, too: their actions in effect ended Ball’s career one game shy of its likely dismal coda in the Gator Bowl. Ball has been declared academically ineligible along with cornerback Kenny Scott, and has played his last game as a Yellow Jacket. (Pause for cheers, tears of relief, peals of bells ringing through the humid air of Atlanta, sound of one undergrad whooping as he achieves level 60 in WoW.) Taylor Bennett, a backup with little experience outside of mop-up duty against Duke, will start for the Jackets in the bowl. He cannot be worse, and this is mathematical fact you cannot contest or challenge without looking foolish.

Calvin Johnson had no comment at the time, but his hands did issue this statement through a representative:

We’d like to say that we’re relieved that our long, personal nightmare has come to a conclusion. Working with Reggie may have made us look brilliant, but we’re tired of trying to make foie gras out of pig snout, five rusty bolts, and a pile of pencil shavings. We’re pro, but we’re not David Blaine, for chrissakes.

Love, peace, and chicken grease,

#21’s hands

Though university officials could not comment directly on the ineligibility issue, inside sources have leaked allegations that Ball’s ineligibility stems from his age. Rather than the declared 22 he claims to be, some suspect Ball’s age to be much lower than previously thought, with one source claiming to have a copy of a birth certificate showing Ball as having a birthdate of August 13, 1990.

This would make Ball an extremely mature-looking 16 year old, something Tech fans have long suspected. When asked about this, coach Chan Gailey had no comment.

Ball, meanwhile, plans to continue his studies at Stone Mountain High School in May, and is excited about the prospect of playing college ball for a big team. “I think I can catch on with a HBCU or maybe even a MAC team,” said Ball from his dorm at Georgia Tech on Wednesday. “I’m going back down to the developmental leagues for a bit, but it’s gonna be good for me. The opportunities are limitless from here.”


Ball: optimistic.