Just as we were about to post another wacky Ohio story, our own choice state of residence sprouts this unnatural news tumor:

Georgia was giving the Jacksonville Dolphins a 93-77 pounding Tuesday night at Stegeman Coliseum when the teens allegedly ran from their seats to the court floor and — according to a university police report — attacked the two mascots.

Mascotin’ ain’t easy, and in this case it led to two drunken 18 year olds attacking both the costumed mascot and inflato-mascot with knives. This case clearly manifests not just a real dislike or irrational, displaced hatred vented on an unsuspecting pair of mascots–this is a stabbing, and as you may recall, stabbing=passion.

How anyone musters the passion–and complete disregard for all standards of conduct–to stab a man/woman dressed up like an anthropomorphic dog is beyond us. It should, however, attract the attention of the shadowiest of our government’s paramilitary units. If a person can get enraged enough to stab a mascot with a pocket knife, assassinating foreign leaders with precision weaponry should be a relative walk in the park.


Why couldn’t they have stabbed Lil’ Red? His palsied gait haunts our dreams.