Via Crazy Tom, we would like to salute this guy for doing what Notre Dame’s defense did not do all season:

1. Balance multiple assignments simultaneously.

2. Perform well at USC.

3. Impress on sight with its ability to swallow the opponent’s attack whole.

Two out of these three also apply to any number of adult film stars, sure. But those of you doubting an Irish return to greatness…your irrefutable evidence of its existence is below. Besides: we really do owe you for the MBA tailgating vid.

Coaching holes getting filled furiously in the past twenty four:

–BC will likely hire Green Bay Offensive Coordinator Jeff Jagodzinski. His main virtues seem to be having NFL experience and wanting the job. Bill, for one, is excited.

–Jonathan Tu has an exclusive with Urban…who sounds like an extremely violent man.

–Stanford hires Jim Harbaugh, who Jon Wilner dubs “a huge gamble.” Perhaps, but this sentence cannot/is not be true:

But this is a huge gamble for a program that cannot afford to be wrong.

Umm…Stanford could afford to outfit every incoming freshman with gold legwarmers and sapphire-encrusted codpieces and bikinis. They, more than any D-1 school, can afford Jim Harbaugh, even if he drives his car drunk into any one of the 18 Nobel Laureates wandering the grounds. (Just wait a year, they’ll make more.) He can’t be worse than Buddy Teevens, and that is scientific fact.

–Burnt Orange Nation is Time’s Person of the Year.

–Mario Cristobal to become the head coach at Florida International University, replacing Don Strock following a miserable year culminating in the Orange Bowl fight with Miami. Cristobal, the first Cuban-American D-1 coach, announced at his press conference that A’Mod Ned could do whatever the hell he wanted to, play any position, and take whatever he liked from the locker room so long as he promised not to hurt anyone.

A’Mod Ned: broke the bonds of slavery for Europe, swung crutch of liberty for all.

–Erik found this pic, and we can’t stop looking at the Orgeron glowing with joy over his poaching of transfer Jevan Snead from Texas. WARNING: you may be turned to stone by his glare. Or fall in love. Or both.

He’s like a sexy basilisk, isn’t he?

The Subcommandante has taken over our bowl previews for today. Good luck!

Wassup bitchez! Subcommandante Wayne comin’ atcha from the O-H-I-Oh Oh Oh. Orson–total dick I can type that ’cause it’s my site today hahahahahha!!!–told me to do a bowl preview. I told him to suck it, ’cause the Subcommandante only takes orders from three men: the Commandante Jim Tressel, Commandante Emeritus (that means “dead” in Greek) Woody Hayes, and Lemmy. So again, let’s review the lesson here…oh yeah: suck it, and suck it. Your homework will be to learn this lesson and learn it well. OSU RULZ!!!

Anyway, the Subcommandante’s giving his badass Druid a little breather after a ripping WoW session to give you a bowl preview. ‘Cause again: the Subcommandante knows no master save the Buckeye Lords. And Lemmy.

Name: The Pioneer Pure VisionLas Vegas

Motto: “Whores!” Dude, you can totally get a whore in Las Vegas. So that’s the motto: “Las Vegas Bowl: You need whores, and we’ve got ‘em.”

I’d move there if I had the money. And IF OHIO DIDN’T OWN WITH STEADINESS!!!

Intrusive Corporate Sponsor: The Subcommandante doesn’t see a sponsor here, since I’m thinking the Pioneer Pure Vision thing must be some tribute to the pioneer spirit or something, and how pure it all was when they stopped in the desert a thousand years ago and said: “We need a place for whores and gambling, and this looks perfect.” Whores, man. Ass for cash with class. Again, if not for the Grand Am, the Buckeyes, and all the tasty sweatpant candy rolling around the bars here, man, I’d be rolling the bones in Vegas and livin’ pimpin’ like it was Yahtzee.

Respect must be paid here, though. That’s the spirit that built America, people. Asskickers looking for a place to put their whore corps and just LFMing all over the place in search of loot.

Founded thousands of years ago, man. And Wayne’s feeling the history.

Tradition Rating: Since Las Vegas was founded a thousand years ago, this must be off the scale. Back then they played football wearing armor. That’s why they never passed, because they couldn’t see the ball through the little slit they had in the front. They also let live tigers and shit loose on the field. (more…)

Texas backup qb Jevan Snead was abducted last night from the parking lot of his apartment in Austin, Texas. Witness describe him being swooped up into the arms of a huge man and stuffed into a sack. The man was described as being “kind of like Solomon Grundy, but scarier,” with coal black hair, “fiery, demented eyes,” and a voice that shattered the glass in the windows of nearby cars.

Police only have this note as a clue, left behind by the superhuman abductor:

HOOOOOOWWEEEEEE!!! DAaaeeOrgeron heaheapahappy this ayem. Heeeagothisself abraaandnew kwatahbackah bahdanamuh JEVAN SNEAD. Datdehbowah kenstraightout trow dehbaw. KENRUNTOOHAHAHAWW!!!! WOOOOHHHHOOOOOWWEEEE!

Orgerongonnalaylowindembayous formonthatwoo tildepopo layoffalookin formahnewqb. Dendey thinkheedeadorsomething, thenchangeathename anddagettanew birfcertficutaforhim frommaMexico. Ah alreadaygottanewnamahforhim: TED SCORGERON!!! Yougettit? Huh? HAWHAWHAW!!!

The abductor looks something like this, according to a sketch artist. This may be his website, say investigators.

Greetings all.

The Bowl season is upon us, which presents a unique challenge for the bettor. Some factors to consider:

(1) Motivation–which teams care about the games they are about to play, and which teams have already achieved their goals for the season?

(2) Departing coaches–are teams fired up to win one last game for their beloved coach, or do they give less effort because no matter how strong their performance they cannot save their coach’s job?

(3) New coaches–how quickly can teams adapt to wrinkles in the offensive or defensive gameplanning?

As for myself, for the most part I try to make my initial selections as if the situational factors did not exist, and then, when making my final selections, I add slightly more weight to the situational factors than I would during the regular season. By and large, I try to find the teams that are strong fundamental plays and also have favorable situational factors. Given that I majored in theology and not psychology this is easier said than done.

Remember, being a theology major does not make you a psychologist. It does qualify you for some jobs, though.

For the season, I currently sit at 71-61, a winning percentage of just under 54%–certainly a disappointing season by my own standards, but still more than good enough to make a straight bettor a profit for the season. Here are the bowl selections for the games to be played in calendar year 2006:

12/19: POINSETTIA BOWL, San Diego, CA

Texas Christian (-12) v. Northern Illinois

Northern Illinois’ presence in this game is attributable, largely, to RB Wolfe, who has had an amazing career and had an astonishing first half of the season. (more…)