The weekend’s riotous news and notes. We mean the riotous part.

–Congratulations to Appalachian State University on winning the D-1 AA football title over the University of Massachusetts. Clearly too HOT HOT HOT to handle, ASU topped UMass 17-14 28-17 in a godless format called a playoff. The title is ASU’s second in a row–there’s a university that’s going places.

Congratulations, Appalachian State. You stay right over there, we don’t hug.

UMass students, furious they were forced to play through a bracket of competition just to get to the final and lose, vented their anger through rioting as only Northeastern college football fans can: by throwing bicycles and lighting small fires.

“Why can’t we have a bowl system in D-1 AA! WHYYYYY?!?!?” said a UMass student who does not exist, because no one would ever say this.

University officials promises “swift” punishment, a word only used by university administrators when they want to give the whole “mighty as an angry and capricious god” tone to their communique.

–In other “Jesus, we thought Southern fans were restraining-order-bonkers” news: Anthony Morelli receives death threats at Penn State. The lid-flipping quote here from Morelli: “I kind of expected it,” Morelli said. Well, sure. Remind us to bake Chris Leak some cookies. The kind without arsenic in ‘em, because though we might have lost fistfuls of hair and bar tab cash watching him, we don’t want him dead. This is something you have to be clear on, evidently.

–Neal Calloway, UGA offensive line coach, gets the head job at UAB. Head Blazer Job allegedly to Jimbo Fisher first, but oversight board claimed Fisher “too expensive.” Your Alabama conspiracy theory of the day is that Fisher conveniently became tai gui le when the board–whose members include Paul Bryant, Jr.–kept UAB from taking one of Big Daddy’s emergency coaching candidates. Paul’s already scoping out new OL coaches on Georgia Sports. Tramp.

–Montana State is concerned over three arrests in the past year. Early Fulmer Cup stocks for MSU just fell through the floor, since a program concerned about three arrests clearly does not have the makings of an FC champion. Best on Arizona State, however, should be through the roof.

–Belatedly mentioned: noted Euro-American Fisher DeBerry retires from Air Force. Possible replacement candidates include Gary Barnett. Possible return of Barnett, Neuheisel, and Dennis Erickson in one year: we just typed that, and if loving that idea is wrong, we don’t wanna be right.

Oh, and someday we want to be introduced as “the man who put love in your eye.”