Don’t pity the Poinsettia Bowl, tomorrow night’s opening act for the bowl season. It’s got TCU, who’ve at least got an interesting mascot, and Northern Illinois’ Garrett Wolfe, who ran rabid on Ohio State earlier this year, so it won’t be a total and complete crapfest. (Especially with the prospect of watching Wolfe, a short guy who runs in a flail-armed, Tasmanian Devil-style frenzy.)

It’s also got the prospect of going first, which has dual benefits. First, you’re first, and thus the mangy appetizer quickly and hungrily scarfed down by the shaking, detoxing college football fan.
Second, if you emerge completely unprepared after a long night of drinking and cheap Mexican prescription drug use in Tijuana, very few people will remember it. (Remember: NOT the Super Bowl here.)

Fortunately, the Poinsettia Bowl will not be confused with the Super Bowl ever ever ever. For further proof, just ask Google Image Search. The first image associated with the Super Bowl is Janet Jackson’s boob, a result more expressive of the internet’s priorities, perhaps, than of actual relevance. The Poinsettia Bowl’s first image? This:

Make-a-Wish kids get all the luck, dammit. Maybe not, though. Imagine the Make-A-Wish Kid sitting there, writing out diligently on the form “SING NATIONAL ANTHEM AT FOOTBALL GAME.” She’s thinking flyovers, celebs, champagne with the campaign and all, first row seats on the fifty in between caviar courses. At least an NFL game, right? Then the Make A Wish people show up with this, smiling nervously. It’s a bowl game! Right here in San Diego!

The kid then explodes with rage. You’re killing me, Make-A-Wish! Fuck-king killing me here. And I’m already dying! The Poinwhattia Bowl? In my hometown? I DON’T EVEN GET TO GET ON A GODDAMN PLANE??? I’m trying to make something click here, get a little something in the career going before the lights go off and you’ve booked me for the POISONOUS PLANT THAT KILLS TODDLERS BOWL? Go to hell, Make A Wish!!! YOU GO TO HELL AND DIE!!!

We’ll just quote Tucker Max and say that yes, we know it’s too late for us, and that we only hope that our life serves as a warning to others.